PUTRAJAYA, 17 Aug 2010 – Malaysians have in recent times been reading about the horror of babies being dumped. Going by what we have been reading, this is usually done by teenagers, who get caught up in the moment of things, or heat of the passion, and are unable to cope with the consequences. The government is mulling on whether to charge these baby dumpers with murder. Is this really going to solve the problem? Since 2004, Datuk Seri Shahrizat Jalil has been telling people not to discard new-borns, but that has not changed anything. Everybody knows that dumping a baby is wrong – but why does this keep on happening?
This problem, which is not only peculiar to Malaysia but is a world wide phenomenon, can never be eradicated; it can only be minimized. The only way to do this is to approach the problem with a “multi-prong attack”.

Education
First there must be education, that sex is a part of life. It is as important as breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping etc – and the sexual energy that is in all of us is intertwined with our DNA. As such, we have to accept that people have sex. Teach our children to protect themselves.

Shelters
Half-way houses must be set up to help girls who are pregnant but want to give up their child for adoption. These houses must be located far away from prying eyes so that there is privacy.
The easiest way out of this child dumping problem would be to sentence to death a few dumpers and the message would get across. However, the wiser thing to do would be to educate and provide facilities for our children so that they can take the necessary measures to protect themselves. Let’s give POWER to life!

“We need to fix him (Ibrahim Ali). Permanently. How about a gender change?”

Khairy Jamaluddin has always been described as one of the more astute and malleable political creatures of the Dewan Rakyat. We examine Khairy’s psyche in this exclusive…

Thurs, Aug 5, 2010

A year is a long time in politics. Just look at Khairy “call me KJ” Jamaluddin. The scion of the admittedly lacking Abdullah Badawi legacy, KJ has, since his father-in-law’s departure in 2009, become something of a black sheep in UMNO. We see this in his epic battle over the Pemuda leadership when KJ, mucked by accusations of corruption, went on to be shunned by Najib. Tengku Razaleigh accused KJ of inaction, and some in Pemuda agree that the latter was licking his wounds and failing to keep his eye on Malay rights. There are already sporadic accounts of revolts, first at a February exco meeting when some expressed their displeasure with their new chief, and then more recently with rumors of mutiny, plots, and intrigues. Strangely, there seems to be a shortage of coverage on this revolt in KJ-friendly media, most notably The Malaysian Insider and The Nut Graph. Joining an elite group comprising only Free Malaysia Today (for now), The Petai speaks to Khairy on his political survival and gets some surprising answers that no one expects him to say in public.

TP: Do you feel any pressure to swing a keris around at exco meetings?

KJ: Everyone asks me that and they always give me a strange look when I tell them I don’t like swinging kerises around. Look I know you all think this is what Pemuda does but you’re wrong! Before (Home Minister and former Youth Chief) Hisham started this nonsense, Pemuda chiefs only had to threaten to use a keris. Just look at Ops Lalang. All Najib had to do was threaten to soak a keris in Chinese blood. Things have gone downhill since Hisham took over and swung an actual keris around. I don’t blame him for it though. He was under a lot of pressure in 2005 to vindicate his leadership to the hardliners. I can still remember that day as if it was just yesterday. He broke down in tears during an exco meeting and begged for mercy before conceding to the keris waving proposal. I swore then that I would never bow down to such embarrassment.

TP: That was really insightful. A lot of people don’t realise the stresses faced by Pemuda leaders. It’s that bad huh?

KJ: It is! You always have to play to the faithful and appear overly-enthusiastic on matters you could care less about. And then there is this feeding frenzy mentality from the young wannabe ikan yu. All these hounds who are braying for blood, nipping on your heels, pestering you to go further, faster and louder, and they are all hoping that when you’ve gone too far, too fast and too loud you’ll fall from grace and they can replace you. And when your instincts tell you to moderate the more extremist demands, they go the other way and say you’re lesu. And they still plot behind your back to replace you.

TP: But why are you so stubborn on the keris waving? Isn’t it easier to concede? Many past Youth leaders have given in and yet went on to bigger and better things.

KJ: When you give them a hand, they’ll take an arm. They even tried to make a conciliatory gesture by asking me what other weapon I am willing to swing at meetings. I told them I will only swing a real M-16 around. This, I said, was because keris swinging is too humdrum in UMNO and has lost its shock value. If I had a real M-16 with real rounds, I think I can do better at exciting UMNO delegates. A few shots and they will be crying for mommy and crapping their pants. Of course they couldn’t get me an M-16. (KJ had spent a month training in the Territorial Army.)

All those years grinning and bearing as Hisham’s deputy taught me that waving a keris has other implications too. Like polishing the blade for too many hours instead of doing something more productive like rousing a mob in the streets. Or preparing press releases to convince people that Hisham has not gone bonkers. I’m so glad Hisham took the Panca Warisan with him to Home Affairs. I hear he’s developed a taste for swinging it and now uses it to cow people like (Attorney-General) Abdul Gani Patail and (Inspector General of Police) Musa Hassan into submission. I’m afraid the keris has changed him irreparably and meetings at Home Affairs are never the same again. I hear they are now S&M sessions with whips and latex costumes.

I know a lot of Malaysia’s leaders made a name for themselves as pretend-ultras. The only exception was (former Prime Minister) Mahathir, who was a natural-born ultra. That one didn’t need any encouragement to soak kerises in anyone’s blood. He will not only tikam someone, he will twist the keris and smile while doing it. But I’m convinced we need change. And to all who doubt Pemuda can change, I only have nine words for you: Yes we can, and that’s because I say so.

TP: You described yourself as a “centrist radical” to Malaysiakini. Care to explain what that means?

KJ: A centrist radical is someone who will lead protests against the Great Satan America and its Zionist Pakatan spies and at the same time encourage free trade with the world’s biggest economy while sending your military to participate in peacekeeping missions to develop international goodwill.

TP: Isn’t that contradictory? First you attack America and then you want to trade with it.

KJ: That’s just like how I attack Anwar and Pakatan vehemently and then I borrow ideas and sound bites like “Little Napoleon” from them. If you didn’t know already, I’m a politician. This is what we politicians do. We look at which way the wind blows and we try to lean in the right direction. Grow up man. It’s just business. If you don’t have the stomach for it, get out of the kitchen.

TP: You mentioned that there’s a lot of pressure on Pemuda leaders. One recent source of pressure is Tengku Razaleigh…

KJ: I think Ku Li is getting old and has lost his marbles. How can he say Pemuda is responsible for the Perkasa goons? Has he even seen some of the reports the Youth Lab has prepared? Does he even know how modern Malay youths think? Unlike old timers like Ku Li, Mahathir, Ibrahim Ali and Khir Toyo, I know everything about how Malay youths think. Facebook, Twitter, MSN, Maple Story and DotA. I’ve spent every waking hour tinkering with these… things. So I can say I know everything about youths. I know youths nowadays are only concerned about parties, money, and branded goods. It’s all about consumerism. Anything that has ‘i’ in it will get their passions up. You know, like iPhone, iPad or iPod. Only old fogies think that youths use Blackberry, or have time for intellectualism or existential questions like Malay rights. Malay youths look at all these arguments and ask “Just what is this Malay rights thing and what’s in it for me?” Can Malay rights ensure that the iPhone 4’s antenna is fixed before it’s released by Maxis? Or that the white iPhone will be on sale in Malaysia? Can Malay rights ensure that StarCraft 2 multiplayer servers will not suck? Can Malay rights lower the prices of Gucci and Prada handbags? Or Jimmy Choo shoes? Youths live in the present, and think of the future. For them, the past is irrelevant and tomorrow couldn’t come sooner.

If Ku Li thinks he can do a better job, he should try contesting Pemuda’s leadership next year. Unfortunately, he’s too old. He’s better off trying to start a “Warga Emas UMNO” to run as his personal fiefdom instead of butting into Pemuda’s business. His ex-Semangat 46 comrades can join him too.

TP: So it’s true you’re stepping down as Pemuda chief. Why?

KJ: I will always be a youth at heart. Even when I’m very old, I will still get on a bike and terrorise the Rembau ‘hood. I think Pemuda is generally made up of nice people. First you need to know the secret handshakes and gang signs. And get a couple of tattoos and a rap sheet with the MACC so you can build your reputation. But it’s worth all the trouble when you get into the family. It’s just the old troublemakers that spoil the fun. They always pile the blame on convenient scapegoats like me for their performance issues. I think they should take some Viagra before they talk about other people’s performance.

TP: Does this have anything to do with the mutiny reported by Free Malaysia Today that is going on behind the scenes against friendly state chiefs?

KJ: I don’t understand what these people want from me. They say my branch leaders are underperforming. Just what kind of performance do they expect? A Dusun song and dance ceremony with a spear and shield, replete with threats to dip the spear in the blood of certain races?

I have a message for troublemakers in Selangor, Perak and Johor: You think you can take me on? Try me. I’m waiting for you. Give me your best shot. My ass is dangling out here, waiting for you cowards to make your move. If you can’t muster the courage to come out of the closet, get the f*** out of my Pemuda.

TP: I think Ku Li and the Pemuda rank and file are concerned that the organisation’s traditional responsibility is being challenged by Perkasa.

KJ: Here we go again with the Malay rights thing. When will you people understand that Malay youths are apathetic about Malay rights? With a 65% Bumiputera majority that is growing exponentially given the decreasing numbers of Chinese and Indians, just what is this concern about Malay rights? If emigration and falling birth rates keep up, there won’t be any Chinese or Indian left. Then what will UMNO do when everyone’s a Bumiputera? Fight for only “Malay” Malays against Orang Asli, Penan, Ibans, Kadazan-Dusun, and the like?

Besides, defending Malay rights isn’t just Pemuda’s job. It’s not for Perkasa or UMNO to say that oh we’re the knight in shining armor for the Malays. Malay rights is something that all Malaysians – Malays, Indians and Chinese – play a role in.

TP: … huh?

KJ: Indians and Chinese have an interest in defending Malay rights too. Because when we Malays feel secure, they too are secure. This requires a mindset change to accomplish. My youth lab is looking into how MCA and MIC Youth can persuade Chinese and Indian youths to believe that Malay rights are also their rights.

TP: But can the Indians and Chinese –

KJ: We love all, we don’t discriminate.

TP: You can’t expect them to agree to –

KJ: Oh yes we can.

TP: … moving on –

KJ: Let this be a warning to any turncoat in Pemuda. My people are looking into the FMT report. My Worldwide Loyalty Team is looking into the FMT report and will submit a lab report on any mutinous or seditious influences on the ground. When we’re done with the investigation, spies caught will get to sleep with the fishes. With concrete boots. This stinks of a Khir Toyo stay-behind operation and we’ll get to the bottom even if there’s collateral damage.

TP: That sounds ruthless even for you.

KJ: When dealing with Brutus, one can never be too careful.

TP: In the past month you’ve found an unexpected ally in Wee Ka Siong.

KJ: I’m surprised how close I’ve become to Wee. We started cautiously, both trying to feel the other out. I mean, you never know which orientation the other guy bats for. Someone could be straight as a whistle and yet secretly harbour a longing for forbidden pleasures. That’s exactly how Wee is. I started by sending a message to test the waters during the scholarships fiasco and he reciprocated. One thing led to another and before we know it, we were exchanging regular messages both on Facebook and Twitter. We even started making arrangements for intimate rendezvouses, and this one time, we made reservations for a room at –

TP: Glad you two have a good relationship. Let’s talk about Ibrahim. I’m sure Petai readers are going to be interested in your take on your formidable adversary.

KJ: Ibrahim formidable? That’s a joke right? He’s a turncoat and an attention hog leading a flock of vultures. Just because he has a fly-by-night NGO at his beck and call he thinks he can hold UMNO hostage. And the worst thing is, he actually believes he is popular. That’s what you get when you have a worm eating too much s*** for too many years. Somebody should fix this abomination. Permanently.

TP: What do you think should be done to fix him?

KJ: I can’t tell you offhand what should be done to him without being impolite. Let’s see… how about a gender change? I’d love to hear him sing like a girl after that. Or surgery to shut his trap?

TP: (Clears throat) Right. You said Ibrahim is an attention hog. Aren’t you in the news very often too?

KJ: Unlike him, I only say something to the press when I have reason to. Like when I need to sling muck at Ibrahim for example, or when I’m trying to gain political mileage. I even told my Pemuda members that hogging attention of any kind is very annoying. They should only speak when they’re spoken to. They should sit down and listen to their leader. Or they can leave Pemuda. We have to end this “entering the frame” culture. Malaysian politics is not a 24-hour CNN news cycle.

TP: Ibrahim had some unkind things to say about you in a recent interview . What do you have to say about his allegation that your only qualification to run Pemuda is your relationship with former PM Abdullah?

I’ve read that interview. Of course being the son-in-law of Abdullah helps. Let’s be frank here. If I had not known Abdullah or my wife, I wouldn’t have joined politics. I’m an Oxford man with certifiable bumi qualifications. I could’ve been out and about swimming in billions of ringgit, wine and dine with Paris Hilton, party in socialite New York clubs and living it up with Hollywood starlets on Cristal champagne like Joh Low, who isn’t even bumi. Instead, I am here dealing with jaguh kampung like Ibrahim. Sometimes I think life isn’t fair.

TP: Is this what we can expect from Khairy Jamaluddin in the coming months? A shift to the middle and quick punches against the right?

KJ: I don’t think there’s a shift. It’s more a coming of age. I’ve cleaned up my act. I had to get rid of my thuggish past and pray people forget about the whole Mat Cemerlang fiasco. And then there’s those “fourth-floor boy” accusations. There’s also plenty of tough self-introspection. You know one of the advantages of stepping down as Ketua Pemuda is I can finally be my own man. No more Jekyll and Hyde transformations between bleeding-heart liberal and cold-heartless ultra. There were moments when I honested didn’t know what I was doing. Wielding placards and swearing bloody murder at people I didn’t know were one of the more illogical things I had to do as a card-carrying member of Pemuda. Now I’ve decided that I’ll stay true to myself. You may call me names now. But I don’t think you’ll find many changes in my politics 10, 20 years down the road. As for the punches, yeah I do sometimes find I need to work off steam against certain people. Speaking from personal experience, having a knuckle duster really helps.

TP: So what’s the difference between old Khairy and new Khairy?

KJ: I think the old Khairy would be very puzzled by the inconveniences taken by the new Khairy. The old Khairy would’ve preferred to work silently to double- or triple-cross his enemies. He would certainly hold onto the Pemuda leadership post for as long as his cold dead hands can hold. New Khairy had been accustomed to things like not getting favours from Bapak Mentua, groveling for positions after being left out, and being snubbed by just about everyone. The new me is more resilient for it, and doesn’t hold grudges as easily as the old me.

TP: Where do you go from here? A lot of people are interested in the post-Pemuda Khairy. Some speculate you might be targeting a supreme council post. The skeptics seem to think you’re angling for a better job by attenuating your message to be 1Malaysia friendly.

KJ: I take that you’ve read the report in The Star . They’re very kind to me you know? They even said I was tall, dark and handsome.

TP: Well you are tall and dark. I’m sure many women would consider you handsome.

KJ: Don’t let my wife hear that! Otherwise Bapak Mentua will have my head on a platter. I’m serious, don’t laugh. You all think Abdullah is a sleepyhead who’s out of touch with people around him. Actually these people around him are being had! Abdullah is the Godfather of Penangite politics before the young upstart Lim Guan Eng stepped into the picture. Even now, Abdullah is plotting and counter-plotting against Mahathir. It’s a chess game played out over the generations, and people like Najib, Hisham, Mukhriz and me are pawns on the board. The only difference is Mahathir is noisier than Abdullah, who prefers the silent kill. Don’t make the same mistake I made and underestimate Abdullah.

Despite what you hear, even I don’t know where I’m headed. I know many people think this departure is some strategic ploy to buy time for some grand master plan. But the new Khairy doesn’t have time for strategy, unlike the old Khairy. It’s all shooting from the hip like the Wild West from here on out.

An earlier interview with Khairy when he was moonlighting as a taxi driver can be found in the following video clip. In it he describes his enthusiasm for Malaysian football, the English language and party-hopping.

PUTRAJAYA, 8 July 2010 – According to the Star, a total of RM10 billlion was overpaid by over 800,000 Malaysian taxpayers. And now Mr. Taxman wants to return the money to all those who have overpaid (yeah rite!).
The Petai would like to advise all good tax-paying Malaysians to go immediately to the Inland Revenue Board office in Pandan Indah to re-claim your excesses. Going by what has been learnt from the Internet, it is not going to be an easy affair. As such, it will be a good idea to bring along your receipts, your proof of spending, your explanation, your mother’s KP, your father’s KP, your neighbor’s KP – be prepared for anything and everything when visiting them.
It is a well known fact that most UMNO politicians do not read the papers, let alone reading itself – so it will take some time before the UMNO guys get wind of this “golden windfall”. So please do go down as soon as possible and get your hands on your money before they get their hands on it. Good Luck!!!

KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 2010 – PKR advisor and de facto leader Anwar Ibrahim is fuming mad and stamping his feet over how Prime Minister Najib Razak has turned the PR tables on him. The alleged (alleged by Anwar himself) Zionist regime-linked public relations firm Apco Worldwide is being accused by Anwar of pulling off a spectacular media stunt by convincing B’nai B’rith, the world’s oldest pro-Israeli group, to attack him and asking Anwar’s American chums like best friend Paul Wolfowitz not to fraternize with him anymore.

Suitably incensed, Anwar has hit back at Najib saying he had proof that Najib was the bigger Zionist. “I just want to tell the world that Najib is the world’s biggest Zionist!” – claimed Anwar. Referring to a list of companies that have a track record of supporting Israel, Anwar singled out Coca-Cola, saying it was a well-known fact that Najib consumed Zionist beverages.

Najib consuming the Zionist beverage Coca-Cola with other Zionist looking people

Our TPT reporters went down to the Prime Minister’s Office to try and find out just who the bigger Zionist was. When asked about claims that it was “Always Coca-Cola” for the Prime Minister, the staffer dismissed this saying that Anwar was in fact, “the biggest Zionist of them all” and that he used Zionist products “everywhere and anywhere”.

“We have it on good authority that Anwar buys and uses Kleenex tissues, a Zionist product, in copious amounts.” Sniggering, the PMO staffer added “He uses it after some of his ‘private meetings’ and we also happen to know he likes a Kit Kat or two afterwards.

KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 7, 2010 – MIC President Sany Vellu today blamed the Anti-Samy Vellu Movement (GAS) for instigating a problem that has plagued him ever since.

“Ever since GAS starting blowing stinky wind in my direction, I have been placed in numerous embarrassing situations that have tarnished my image as MIC leader,” Samy Vellu said when at an MIC members event in which we noted that onion naan was served during lunch. When probed further, he refused to elaborate on what those embarrassing situations were.

The Petai Times however managed to speak with some MIC members who had recently interacted with Samy Vellu and spoke on condition of anonymity. Rajoo (not his real name) claimed that he noticed Samy Vellu had bought a large amount of air fresheners for his office and car. Anthony (not his real name) also claimed that he noticed several people standing near Samy Vellu were wincing and took a step back after a loud noise on the verge of sounding like a motorcycle revving up was heard.

After the MIC members event was over, The Petai Times understands that secret orders were given never to serve any food containing copious amounts of onions at any future MIC events as they could produce “dangerous gases” that were detrimental to the olfactory system.

Kuala Lumpur, 4 Jun 2010 – It was reported in the local papers that MCA chief Viagra Chua Soi Lek has raised the matter of 1,304 high achieving and deserving students to PSD director-general Tan Sri Ismail Adam who were left out of the scholarship award. VC (Viagra Chua) stated that students from all races should be treated equally without a fixation of the quota for the different races.

The Petai feels that this is a very noble and innovative (as far as Malaysia is concern) thought – for the MCA chief to raise this. We at The Petai were so amazed by it that all our reporters gathered around the article and scrutinesed it word by word. After about ten minutes, we dropped everything and walked out to the car-park and looked at the sky. Because we knew that we would have a better chance of seeing a Pig Fly, than see PSD giving a level playing field for children of all races. Oink-oink!

KUALA LUMPUR, 01 June 2010 – Several prominent socialites have come out in support of Malacca Chief Minister Ali Rustam’s recent statements over animal testing. The Chief Minister had defended Indian company Vivo BioTech’s plans to build an animal testing medicine lab in Malacca, saying that God created monkeys and rats for experiments to benefit human beings.

Ali Rustam has received unexpected but enthusiastic support for his views from some of Malaysia’s most prominent and stylish socialites.

One of them, who spoke to TPT on conditions of anonymity, but who later changed her mind and wanted to be known only as “Simone”, as it sounded sexier, had this to say: “I don’t really follow local news as it can be soooo boring but this issue really spoke to my heart and I wanted to come out in support of Chief Minister Ali Rustam.”

“Simone” brandishing a victory sign

“I fully agree that animals were created by God so that they could benefit human beings. And not only just for medicinal purposes, but also for clothing and accessories. Our ancestors used to wear animal skins and till this day, we have carried on this tradition”, said Simone who went on to brandish her chic pink crocodile skin handbag to our TPT reporter.

When asked about her religious credentials, Simone chirped “Oh I don’t sit in [the church] all that often, maybe only for special occasions like Christmas but I do go down once every few months when I clear out my wardrobes of things that I’ve worn at least once and donate them to the church. Who says you can’t wear Prada when you’re poor?”

SIBU, May 17 – First it had been campaign billboards with not-so-subtle hints that electing a DAP representative would mean the end of kampua mee as locals know it. Then came the rebuttal from DAP candidate Wong Ho Leng (while tucking into a plate of the delicacy) that he was committed to defending the “Sibu way of life” and that his family loves kampua mee. We assume, of course, that Wong meant that the Sibu way of life equates to non-halal kampua mee and that non-halal kampua mee equates to the very heart of Sibu.

Now it seems both sides are slugging or, dare we say, pigging it out to convince voters that they can keep their favorite foods once the dust settles and Sibu returns to its quiet normalcy.

“Sibu voters are smart enough to know that a vote for me is a vote for kompia done right,” proclaimed SUPP candidate Robert Lau Hui Yew as he demolished a stack of the pastries stuffed with savory meat filling.

“With SUPP, you may keep your kueh cap, but will you enjoy it? DAP will ensure the portions stay the same and your stomach stay satisfactorily full,” trumpeted DAP campaign director Chong Chieng Jen who helped himself to heaps of pig offals braised in dark sauce.

Even independent Narawi Haron is getting into the act by endorsing a chikuteh joint.

“As someone who is half Malay and half Chinese, I’m very disappointed in Barisan and Pakatan for espousing subliminally discriminatory messages. What’s wrong with the taste of halal kampua mee? It doesn’t matter what the ‘proper’ taste of food is so long as people like it.”

Kuala Lumpur, 11 May 2010 – What is happening to Malaysia? First we have the Selangor Police Chief’s car stolen, then a few days later we have the Deputy Foreign Minister A. Kohilan Pillay’s car stolen.

What are these Malaysian car thieves up to – having a game of who dares wins?  Do these guys know who they are playing against? Let’s run thru’ the list of what Malaysian police would do to you if you were to “cross” their path:

1. For running away from them – a bullet to the head (case ref: Aminulrasyid);
2. For riding a motorcycle in zig-zag manner – a shot in the hip (case ref: Mohd Azizi); and
3. For watching other people get shot – a bullet to the chest (case ref: S. Surentiran).

Can you imagine what the Malaysian Police would do to you if you were caught by them stealing one of their bosses’ cars? No wonder the thief (or thieves) who stole the Selangor Police Chief’s car returned it with a note stating “Sorry, PDRM, stole the wrong car”. He is a wise man – it is not worthwhile losing your life for a car.

PUTRAJAYA, 28 April 2010 – MACC Deputy Chief Commissioner (Operations) Datuk Mohd Shukri Abdull had declared war on bribe givers. According to him, without the bribe givers, there would be no corruption involving public servants, especially enforcement officers (a.k.a. policemen).

Just like the wild life activist war cry against the killing of endangered animals – “When the buying stops, so will the killings” – we at The Petai truly believe the same can be applied for the fight against graft. However, would it not be more effective if it was a multi-prong attack. Going after the small as well as the big. How about those instances where money changes hands not via a hand shake, but through secret bank accounts or lavish trips to some exotic country or paid renovation works for some beneficiary (a.k.a. high ranking government officer or even higher than that).

It is no use if we are just going to prune the tree but ignore the roots – if we take care of the roots by removing the weeds, harmful bugs and at the same time nourish the soil with fertilizer, the tree, on its own, will grow into a beautiful and healthy tree.