The Petai » East Malaysia

Santa’s coming to town

admin — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 10:22:42 +0000

Kuching, 18 Mar 2011 – With his ruddy cheeks, balding crop of silvery hair, and rotund figure, it’s not surprising that speculation is rife that a visit by Prime Minister Najib Razak will be akin to a visit from Santa Claus. We ask people for what they expect from an early visit by the jolly fat one:

Baru Bian (Leader of PKR Sarawak): I promise to be a good boy this year just like how I was a good boy last year and every year before that, unlike some other person with white hair. So I hope Santa will remember me this year instead of stuffing stockings with coal for his power plant in Sabah which, thanks to PKR, has ceased to exist. I also hope Santa will tell his white-haired elf to shelve the Bakun dam project and leave our Sarawak alone and in the dark. He can leave his presents for us here, but he is personally not welcomed to loiter around here just like drunkards are not welcomed around the Jalan Main Bazaar waterfront.

Dato’ Sri Peter Chin (Energy Minister and SUPP secretary): I wish for Santa to resolve the meltdown crisis in Japan so I can ask Santa for billions of ringgit to build my atomic toy. I spoke to Santa just the other day via telegram and he said he will gift Sarawak the nuclear plant project so we can reap the rewards. Low white blood cell counts are collateral damage that will be more than paid for in the bucket loads of electricity tariffs we will harvest from the Peninsular.

Dato’ Sri Idris Jala (Minister in PM Dept and committed Sarawak Christian): I’m not saying Santa should belong to any religion or anything, but I just wished Santa would spread his goodwill to all men of all religions and let us have our Bahasa bibles.

Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz (Yet another Minister in the same PM Dept and de-facto Law Minister): Santa should only allow Sarawak to have its Bahasa bibles and withhold the Selangor ones, unless he wants to violate the North Pole Enactment. Yes we are still living in the same country and decisions are still made in the same cabinet, even if we may have different laws in different parts of the land.

Dato’ Seri Hishammuddin Hussein (Home Minister): (twiddling his thumbs, with his eyes darting around nervously) … … … Oh were you looking at me? Sorry I can’t comment on this since I don’t have anything I want from Santa. Here, my Publications Secretary can answer any questions you have (pushes a lady forward and runs off).

Datuk Zaitun Ab Samad (Publications and Quranic Text Secretary): (rolling her eyes while clearing her throat) The Home Ministry has decided to release certain religious materials, but they must be stamped to clearly show they are not violating any laws, customs or sensibilities… What I want from Santa? Really? (Whispers) Between you and me, actually I really want Santa to give me a new boss. I can’t stand the old one anymore.

Tan Sri Dr George Chan (Sarawak DCM): I already have my present from Santa. He has given me a secret weapon last week for the election, and SUPP will deploy it as soon as nomination day is announced. It is a really nice and shiny weapon that I polish everyday whenever I come back from work. I just love caressing it… oh yes… my preccciousss… (goes into a daze)…. Huh? Where was I? Oh yes – love. We need to learn how to love and not make war… hey wait where are you going? Come back here!

Edmund Stanley Jugol (SNAP Secretary-General): I wish Santa will come to Kuching more often than just once every election cycle. He should build a Puterijaya here in Kuching and divide his time here with Putrajaya. So he can spend Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays in Putrajaya, while Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays are spent in Puterijaya. After all, if Sarawak is BN’s fixed deposit, shouldn’t Santa spend as much time here as he does in his cabin? Also I wish Santa would bring more jobs with him for the Dayaks. I know many will want to work in his workshop. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have access to all those toys?

Sibu: Contenders vying to outdo each other in porcine consumption

admin — Mon, 17 May 2010 01:42:42 +0000

SIBU, May 17 – First it had been campaign billboards with not-so-subtle hints that electing a DAP representative would mean the end of kampua mee as locals know it. Then came the rebuttal from DAP candidate Wong Ho Leng (while tucking into a plate of the delicacy) that he was committed to defending the “Sibu way of life” and that his family loves kampua mee. We assume, of course, that Wong meant that the Sibu way of life equates to non-halal kampua mee and that non-halal kampua mee equates to the very heart of Sibu.

Now it seems both sides are slugging or, dare we say, pigging it out to convince voters that they can keep their favorite foods once the dust settles and Sibu returns to its quiet normalcy.

“Sibu voters are smart enough to know that a vote for me is a vote for kompia done right,” proclaimed SUPP candidate Robert Lau Hui Yew as he demolished a stack of the pastries stuffed with savory meat filling.

“With SUPP, you may keep your kueh cap, but will you enjoy it? DAP will ensure the portions stay the same and your stomach stay satisfactorily full,” trumpeted DAP campaign director Chong Chieng Jen who helped himself to heaps of pig offals braised in dark sauce.

Even independent Narawi Haron is getting into the act by endorsing a chikuteh joint.

“As someone who is half Malay and half Chinese, I’m very disappointed in Barisan and Pakatan for espousing subliminally discriminatory messages. What’s wrong with the taste of halal kampua mee? It doesn’t matter what the ‘proper’ taste of food is so long as people like it.”

Natives threaten to use force to defend land

Editor — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 09:59:57 +0000

A Kenyah native showing what he thinks of the oil-palm company

(TPT) – MIRI: Workers of an oil-palm company were chased off by angry Kenyah natives. The Kenyah natives arrived in full force, together with women and children, once they received news of the workers presence. Emerging from their longhouse and banishing sticks and stones, they managed to force the workers into retreat. Speaking to reporters, Chief Tuai Rumah Nyalang Tahe claimed that the workers were trespassing through their customary rights land.

Sabah wildlife to be filmed for American TV

Editor — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 09:36:01 +0000

Sabah wildlife gets ready to appear on “Jungle Jack’s” TV show

Many Sabah leaders unfazed by foreigner statistics

Editor — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:14:26 +0000

An Endangered Species worthy of WWF protection…

(TPT) – KOTA KINABALU: Several Sabah political leaders are unfazed by the Home Ministry’s statistics of the high proportion of foreigners here. Sabah Deputy Chief Minister Raymond Tan explains that the figure was in fact much smaller than he expected, especially given that “as all my children are currently Australian PRs in the process of obtaining their citizenship – technically they will all be considered foreigners”.

State Tourism, Culture and Environment Minister Datuk Masidi Manjum commented that this clearly showed Sabah and hence Malaysia’s superiority in the economic sphere where “talent from all over the world congregate to the manificient opportunities that Sabah has to share”. Interestingly, this sentiment was shared by PKR Vice-President Datuk Dr Jeffrey Kitingan, who revealed that the current PKR Sabah State Chief Azmin Ali was from the “former British colony of Malaya” and definitely not Sabahan.

Indeed, Sabah Chief Minister Musa Aman was quick to provide statistics that proved that Sabah needed these foreigners to exist. He estimated that 80% of plantation workers in the state were Indonesians while about 70% of workers in the construction sector are from the Phillippines – and most importantly 100% of the unemployed workers in Sabah were Malaysian. “Quite clearly someone has to be working in order for the economy to grow” he said.

Following the Sabahan leaders’ strong support for foreigners in the state, there are reports that many Sabahans have been destroying their MyKads and claiming alien status in order to apply for jobs which are available to many of the foreigners here in Kota Kinabalu. Wilfred Kurup, a 28th generation Sabahan told The Petai of his failed attempt to “enter Sabah on fast speed boat” was detected by authorities and upon being discovered to be a true-blue Dayak bumiputra, he was thrown back to his longhouse with little prospects and opportunities instead of the ample and well-paying occupations available to foreigners in Sabah.