PUTRAJAYA, 8 July 2010 – According to the Star, a total of RM10 billlion was overpaid by over 800,000 Malaysian taxpayers. And now Mr. Taxman wants to return the money to all those who have overpaid (yeah rite!).
The Petai would like to advise all good tax-paying Malaysians to go immediately to the Inland Revenue Board office in Pandan Indah to re-claim your excesses. Going by what has been learnt from the Internet, it is not going to be an easy affair. As such, it will be a good idea to bring along your receipts, your proof of spending, your explanation, your mother’s KP, your father’s KP, your neighbor’s KP – be prepared for anything and everything when visiting them.
It is a well known fact that most UMNO politicians do not read the papers, let alone reading itself – so it will take some time before the UMNO guys get wind of this “golden windfall”. So please do go down as soon as possible and get your hands on your money before they get their hands on it. Good Luck!!!

KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 2010 – PKR advisor and de facto leader Anwar Ibrahim is fuming mad and stamping his feet over how Prime Minister Najib Razak has turned the PR tables on him. The alleged (alleged by Anwar himself) Zionist regime-linked public relations firm Apco Worldwide is being accused by Anwar of pulling off a spectacular media stunt by convincing B’nai B’rith, the world’s oldest pro-Israeli group, to attack him and asking Anwar’s American chums like best friend Paul Wolfowitz not to fraternize with him anymore.

Suitably incensed, Anwar has hit back at Najib saying he had proof that Najib was the bigger Zionist. “I just want to tell the world that Najib is the world’s biggest Zionist!” – claimed Anwar. Referring to a list of companies that have a track record of supporting Israel, Anwar singled out Coca-Cola, saying it was a well-known fact that Najib consumed Zionist beverages.

Najib consuming the Zionist beverage Coca-Cola with other Zionist looking people

Our TPT reporters went down to the Prime Minister’s Office to try and find out just who the bigger Zionist was. When asked about claims that it was “Always Coca-Cola” for the Prime Minister, the staffer dismissed this saying that Anwar was in fact, “the biggest Zionist of them all” and that he used Zionist products “everywhere and anywhere”.

“We have it on good authority that Anwar buys and uses Kleenex tissues, a Zionist product, in copious amounts.” Sniggering, the PMO staffer added “He uses it after some of his ‘private meetings’ and we also happen to know he likes a Kit Kat or two afterwards.

KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 7, 2010 – MIC President Sany Vellu today blamed the Anti-Samy Vellu Movement (GAS) for instigating a problem that has plagued him ever since.

“Ever since GAS starting blowing stinky wind in my direction, I have been placed in numerous embarrassing situations that have tarnished my image as MIC leader,” Samy Vellu said when at an MIC members event in which we noted that onion naan was served during lunch. When probed further, he refused to elaborate on what those embarrassing situations were.

The Petai Times however managed to speak with some MIC members who had recently interacted with Samy Vellu and spoke on condition of anonymity. Rajoo (not his real name) claimed that he noticed Samy Vellu had bought a large amount of air fresheners for his office and car. Anthony (not his real name) also claimed that he noticed several people standing near Samy Vellu were wincing and took a step back after a loud noise on the verge of sounding like a motorcycle revving up was heard.

After the MIC members event was over, The Petai Times understands that secret orders were given never to serve any food containing copious amounts of onions at any future MIC events as they could produce “dangerous gases” that were detrimental to the olfactory system.

KUALA LUMPUR, 01 June 2010 – Several prominent socialites have come out in support of Malacca Chief Minister Ali Rustam’s recent statements over animal testing. The Chief Minister had defended Indian company Vivo BioTech’s plans to build an animal testing medicine lab in Malacca, saying that God created monkeys and rats for experiments to benefit human beings.

Ali Rustam has received unexpected but enthusiastic support for his views from some of Malaysia’s most prominent and stylish socialites.

One of them, who spoke to TPT on conditions of anonymity, but who later changed her mind and wanted to be known only as “Simone”, as it sounded sexier, had this to say: “I don’t really follow local news as it can be soooo boring but this issue really spoke to my heart and I wanted to come out in support of Chief Minister Ali Rustam.”

“Simone” brandishing a victory sign

“I fully agree that animals were created by God so that they could benefit human beings. And not only just for medicinal purposes, but also for clothing and accessories. Our ancestors used to wear animal skins and till this day, we have carried on this tradition”, said Simone who went on to brandish her chic pink crocodile skin handbag to our TPT reporter.

When asked about her religious credentials, Simone chirped “Oh I don’t sit in [the church] all that often, maybe only for special occasions like Christmas but I do go down once every few months when I clear out my wardrobes of things that I’ve worn at least once and donate them to the church. Who says you can’t wear Prada when you’re poor?”

PUTRAJAYA, 28 April 2010 – MACC Deputy Chief Commissioner (Operations) Datuk Mohd Shukri Abdull had declared war on bribe givers. According to him, without the bribe givers, there would be no corruption involving public servants, especially enforcement officers (a.k.a. policemen).

Just like the wild life activist war cry against the killing of endangered animals – “When the buying stops, so will the killings” – we at The Petai truly believe the same can be applied for the fight against graft. However, would it not be more effective if it was a multi-prong attack. Going after the small as well as the big. How about those instances where money changes hands not via a hand shake, but through secret bank accounts or lavish trips to some exotic country or paid renovation works for some beneficiary (a.k.a. high ranking government officer or even higher than that).

It is no use if we are just going to prune the tree but ignore the roots – if we take care of the roots by removing the weeds, harmful bugs and at the same time nourish the soil with fertilizer, the tree, on its own, will grow into a beautiful and healthy tree.

CHERAS, Apr 05 – Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein assures the public that the Hulu Selangor by-election will be free from unruliness and that he personally guaranteed that the event will be carried out responsibly.

“Due to the high stakes involved and the importance attached to this district, the Home Ministry will be extra vigilant to ensure people do not take matters into their own hands.”

“Instead, FRU (Federal Reserve Unit) and UTK (Special Action Team) will take this matter into their responsible hands by means of a special deployment to protect voters from intimidation and to ensure that they vote responsibly. Hulu Selangor residents should know what I mean,” Datuk Seri Hishammuddin said ominously while giving a wink to reporters at a press session held after a shooting test at PDRM’s General Operations Force Central Brigade headquarters in Cheras yesterday.

The Home Minister then went into a long-winded tirade of sorts, touching on seemingly unrelated issues such as responsible driving, responsible spending, and responsible care for the aged and the under-aged. Brandishing a PDRM Walther P99 service pistol and gesturing excitedly with it (causing some reporters to wince just like when he once wielded the keris Panca Warisan when he was Chief of UMNO Youth), he also talked about how responsible voting is synonymous with responsible usage of firearms.

“Say if I were to put a live round into this pistol, cock it and mistakenly fire at a passerby. Not only would I be held responsible for a crime, but I would forever live in remorse of my mistake. Similarly, we advise Hulu Selangor constituents to choose responsibly in this by-election. Make sure you can sleep soundly with your decision.”

The Home Minister dismissed accusations that he was trying to assert undue influence over the upcoming by-election.

“I’m just fulfilling my responsibility as Home Minister to ensure there is law and order in this country.”

Despite repeated letters from the Chinese community over the years, the Government has yet to respond to any of them. The Chinese are understandably upset at the Government’s silence. One of the letter writers was close to tears as he recounted all the letters he had written but had been met with no reply.

In an attempt to address the problem, Deputy Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin spoke out about the Government’s apparent disinterest in the Chinese community’s affairs. He asked the Chinese community not to jump to conclusions.

“The Malaysian Government cares about everyone in the country. Just because we don’t reply your letters for many years doesn’t mean we don’t love you.” Muhyiddin explained that the Government gets so many fan mails everyday that it is impossible to reply to all of them. The Government had to hire three full-time staff just to go through all the letters.

The Government is currently reviewing methods to streamline the letters-sorting process. Muhyiddin hopes it will mean that they will have time to reply some of the fan mail sent to the Government. Of course malay fan mail will be attended to first, followed by chinese and indian fan mail.

On the feedback, suggestions and complaint letters sent in by members of the public, Muhyiddin explained that there was a separate process for these letters altogether as seen below.

WISMA PERTAHANAN, Feb 17 – The Malaysian Armed Forces has announced another innovation to add to its arsenal of fearsome weapons, including a submarine that cannot dive and an airplane that cannot fly, that it plans to deploy against foreign aggressors.

“Just like the submarine, the tank is a psychological weapon as much as it is a weapons platform. The mere presence of a submarine is enough to drive panic into the enemy’s navy, and likewise, the presence of a tank is enough to scatter the enemy’s infantry,” said a flustered Defence Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi who had been responding to queries regarding a flaw in the engines of Malaysia’s PT-91M main battle tank that rendered it immobile.

“The problems with the engines of our PT-91M is nothing to worry about. It is not totally immobile because of this. We can still move our tanks atop tank carriers specially modified from container trucks.

“Our Army has found it necessary to make adjustments to our fighting techniques in light of this situation, and these adjustments have been found to be satisfactory.”

When pressed for details on the adjustments, Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad could not elaborate further, reasoning that doing so contravened national security concerns. He would only allow that tank crews have been instructed to hold fast onto their positions in the face of enemy fire and to fight to the very end. The Petai feels that this is not a very challenging prospect given that the tanks themselves are immobile.

WISMA PERTAHANAN, Feb 8 – A ‘tired and emotional’ Defence Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi assured Malaysians that his ministry was doing everything it could to prevent a recurrence of leakages of national secrets to foreign countries.

“Fortunately for Malaysia, we have a ‘lean and mean’ intelligence team that managed to nab the culprits before too much damage was done.

We are examining security at all levels in the ministry and are putting in place measures to remedy the situation. We may be ‘a day late and a dollar short,’ but it’s ‘better to be late than never.’”

One of the measures proposed by Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad to combat the ‘cloak and dagger’ international arena was the installation of a hall of mirrors and a smoke generator in his office.

“Essentially we are employing a ‘smoke and mirrors’ strategy against would-be enemies. I can guarantee you that foreign agents who enter my office with the intent of stealing our secrets will be caught in a situation of ‘between the devil and the deep blue sea.’

There is no where for them to run or hide in this game of ‘cat and mouse.’ We will catch them and we will crush them. There is no room for errors, and there can only be ‘the quick and the dead’ when ‘all is said and done.’”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also noted that it was important to react firmly to this latest crisis embroiling the Defence Ministry as security issues were its ‘bread and butter,’ and that this crisis was ‘one too many’ in the wake of the theft of the Air Force’s F-5 jet engines.

As for the foreign agents who were ‘caught with their fingers in the cookie jar,’ he said that the Malaysian government has decided to practice a policy of ‘live and let live,’ but that his ministry would ‘take no prisoners’ in its treatment of similar cases in the future.

“I have this message to foreign agents who think they can outsmart us: ‘fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’”

The Petai notes that Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad had been punctuating his press conference with plenty of air quotes, and that military men in the room have been struggling to keep a straight face.

A two-tier entry requirement is to be introduced for would-be travelers to the country, Malaysia’s Home Ministry announced recently. This new set of tough measures is aimed at weeding out the negative influence of foreign nationals.

Home Ministry Secretary-General Datuk Seri Mahmood Adam said that the plan, derived and copied wholesale from the US’s two-tier system would eliminate any threats to Malaysia’s culture and leave it as pure as possible.

Dismissing any suggestions that this might put off travelers from coming to the country burdened with slow and long queues at immigration, SG Mahmood countered that the country’s fragile culture and ecosystem would only suffer, weakening further the identity of Malaysians and the indigenous population. Everything was done with the people’s interest in mind, he asserted.

Part of this slew of requirements entail immigration attaches stationed at foreign missions reading the body language of incoming foreign nationals. These specialist officers, trained to lookout for unsavory foreign characters would prevent them from entering the country. Amongst the list of to-be-barred-body language includes foreigners looking sleepily undressed or unshaved men. It was understood that unshaved women would also not be excluded from the list.

According to insiders, this entry requirement is part of a Malaysian-wide project to safeguard the country’s precious culture from foreign attacks. Past initiatives have included considerations of an Internet filter and asserting that nasi lemak belongs to the country.