Going back to the matter of Sulaiman’s alleged death, there is still no clear indication if he is truly dead. According to some eyewitnesses who have come forward to share their accounts, Sulaiman had last been seen skiing in the Italian Alps – though they could not confirm if he was still alive at that point. Some speculated the figure seen in Turin was merely a diversionary tactic in which Sulaiman’s mummified body was propped up on skis and allowed to slide down the slopes. Given the wealth of the disgustingly rich Taib clan, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to expect such an elaborate deception to distract onlookers from the demise of the notorious scion and black sheep of the family.

Another story making its rounds in the grapevine is that the man thing staggering around downtown Kuching (especially its pubs and clubs) is either a zombie, a vampire, or something else equally unholy created by one of the many Bomohs kept on the Taib family tab. Sulaiman, as the story goes, has had the dead blood sucked out of his body, and is kept alive by constant injections of “new and fresh” blood from unwilling “donors.” And this has somehow caused Sulaiman to be schizophrenic (as if the raving maniac needed more personalities in him), and the man thing walking around town supposedly has so many personalities that nobody can quite tell if they’re talking to the real Sulaiman Abdul Rahman Taib.

The third, equally far-fetched, theory that only a tabloid like The Petai will even mention (we are being honest here, unlike the old media), is that Sulaiman has been an alien all this while, and he had come to earth (Sarawak, of all places) to mingle with humans (during which he has had intense “interpersonal communications” with fine female specimens of our species) and to study us. With the end of his study and experiments, he has departed hastily for his home planet after a brief (and cryptic) call with the Director of the UN’s Outer Space Affairs (and Malaysian) Dr Mazlan Othman. Sulaiman’s sudden departure had caught the Taib clan off-guard, and they have been left with few options other than to churn out rumours on Sulaiman’s death.

As for the validity of these stories, we leave it to our esteemed readers to be the judge. Better still, we would like to call on our readers to share any information on the status – dead or alive – of Sulaiman Abdul Rahman Taib.

If he is dead, may his soul rest in peace; if he is alive, may Tuhan save Sarawak’s women.

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Top 7 reasons why Protons are used in suicide attacks:

1. It is damn bloody cheap.

2. Easily available – most can be procured from your friendly neighbourhood junkyard.

3. An idle Proton is least likely to raise suspicion – because it is normal to see a broken down Proton along the road. Terrorists need only remember to place a pail or warning sign behind the car.

4. Able to travel the first 500 meters without any problem – the distance that terrorists usually launch their attacks from.

5. Every part of the Proton is guaranteed to act as a splinter in an explosion – they already fall off on their own without any help.

6. The design is so ugly that it already strikes fear into the heart of the enemy.

7. People would be so stunned to see a moving Proton that they would not know how to react and just stare in awe.

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Education
First there must be education, that sex is a part of life. It is as important as breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping etc – and the sexual energy that is in all of us is intertwined with our DNA. As such, we have to accept that people have sex. Teach our children to protect themselves.

Shelters
Half-way houses must be set up to help girls who are pregnant but want to give up their child for adoption. These houses must be located far away from prying eyes so that there is privacy.
The easiest way out of this child dumping problem would be to sentence to death a few dumpers and the message would get across. However, the wiser thing to do would be to educate and provide facilities for our children so that they can take the necessary measures to protect themselves. Let’s give POWER to life!

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KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 2010 – PKR advisor and de facto leader Anwar Ibrahim is fuming mad and stamping his feet over how Prime Minister Najib Razak has turned the PR tables on him. The alleged (alleged by Anwar himself) Zionist regime-linked public relations firm Apco Worldwide is being accused by Anwar of pulling off a spectacular media stunt by convincing B’nai B’rith, the world’s oldest pro-Israeli group, to attack him and asking Anwar’s American chums like best friend Paul Wolfowitz not to fraternize with him anymore.

Suitably incensed, Anwar has hit back at Najib saying he had proof that Najib was the bigger Zionist. “I just want to tell the world that Najib is the world’s biggest Zionist!” – claimed Anwar. Referring to a list of companies that have a track record of supporting Israel, Anwar singled out Coca-Cola, saying it was a well-known fact that Najib consumed Zionist beverages.

Najib consuming the Zionist beverage Coca-Cola with other Zionist looking people

Our TPT reporters went down to the Prime Minister’s Office to try and find out just who the bigger Zionist was. When asked about claims that it was “Always Coca-Cola” for the Prime Minister, the staffer dismissed this saying that Anwar was in fact, “the biggest Zionist of them all” and that he used Zionist products “everywhere and anywhere”.

“We have it on good authority that Anwar buys and uses Kleenex tissues, a Zionist product, in copious amounts.” Sniggering, the PMO staffer added “He uses it after some of his ‘private meetings’ and we also happen to know he likes a Kit Kat or two afterwards.

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KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 7, 2010 – MIC President Sany Vellu today blamed the Anti-Samy Vellu Movement (GAS) for instigating a problem that has plagued him ever since.

“Ever since GAS starting blowing stinky wind in my direction, I have been placed in numerous embarrassing situations that have tarnished my image as MIC leader,” Samy Vellu said when at an MIC members event in which we noted that onion naan was served during lunch. When probed further, he refused to elaborate on what those embarrassing situations were.

The Petai Times however managed to speak with some MIC members who had recently interacted with Samy Vellu and spoke on condition of anonymity. Rajoo (not his real name) claimed that he noticed Samy Vellu had bought a large amount of air fresheners for his office and car. Anthony (not his real name) also claimed that he noticed several people standing near Samy Vellu were wincing and took a step back after a loud noise on the verge of sounding like a motorcycle revving up was heard.

After the MIC members event was over, The Petai Times understands that secret orders were given never to serve any food containing copious amounts of onions at any future MIC events as they could produce “dangerous gases” that were detrimental to the olfactory system.

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Kuala Lumpur, 4 Jun 2010 – It was reported in the local papers that MCA chief Viagra Chua Soi Lek has raised the matter of 1,304 high achieving and deserving students to PSD director-general Tan Sri Ismail Adam who were left out of the scholarship award. VC (Viagra Chua) stated that students from all races should be treated equally without a fixation of the quota for the different races.

The Petai feels that this is a very noble and innovative (as far as Malaysia is concern) thought – for the MCA chief to raise this. We at The Petai were so amazed by it that all our reporters gathered around the article and scrutinesed it word by word. After about ten minutes, we dropped everything and walked out to the car-park and looked at the sky. Because we knew that we would have a better chance of seeing a Pig Fly, than see PSD giving a level playing field for children of all races. Oink-oink!

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KUALA LUMPUR, 01 June 2010 – Several prominent socialites have come out in support of Malacca Chief Minister Ali Rustam’s recent statements over animal testing. The Chief Minister had defended Indian company Vivo BioTech’s plans to build an animal testing medicine lab in Malacca, saying that God created monkeys and rats for experiments to benefit human beings.

Ali Rustam has received unexpected but enthusiastic support for his views from some of Malaysia’s most prominent and stylish socialites.

One of them, who spoke to TPT on conditions of anonymity, but who later changed her mind and wanted to be known only as “Simone”, as it sounded sexier, had this to say: “I don’t really follow local news as it can be soooo boring but this issue really spoke to my heart and I wanted to come out in support of Chief Minister Ali Rustam.”

“Simone” brandishing a victory sign

“I fully agree that animals were created by God so that they could benefit human beings. And not only just for medicinal purposes, but also for clothing and accessories. Our ancestors used to wear animal skins and till this day, we have carried on this tradition”, said Simone who went on to brandish her chic pink crocodile skin handbag to our TPT reporter.

When asked about her religious credentials, Simone chirped “Oh I don’t sit in [the church] all that often, maybe only for special occasions like Christmas but I do go down once every few months when I clear out my wardrobes of things that I’ve worn at least once and donate them to the church. Who says you can’t wear Prada when you’re poor?”

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DEWAN RAKYAT, Tues Mar 30 – Former Perak Menteri Besar Mohammad Nizar Jamaluddin spoke nervously to The Petai after the state assembly sitting this morning in Ipoh, clearly traumatized by the experience during the morning’s events Police personnel were standing “in a threatening manner” and clearly blocking the way for a number of Perak Assemblymen who were anxious to get into the state assembly to get a good seat. Dr. Zambry Abdul Kadir was also asked by The Petai on how he felt about the atmospherics in the first sitting following the Federal Court ruling confirming his appointment as Perak Menteri Besar.

“I think it is impossible to hold our sitting under such circumstances, it was like when I was a little boy watching Sumpah Pontianak and the Pontianak was just about to creep into room… I cannot be making important policy decisions if I spend half the time covering my eyes” said Nizar. “How can we say that the proceedings are democratic if every time an Assemblyman was to go to the toilet, at least three other Assemblymen would have to accompany him because he is scared.”

“It feels distinctly evil, I felt a strong presence of danger and when I turned my head… I think I saw something running from the corner of the chambers.” Dr. Zambry recounted what he had felt with chills running down his spine.

The Royal Malaysian Police were out in full strength, including members of the elite Special (Ghostbusters) Branch who on all fours trying to narrow down the sources of fear that had spread through Perak’s highest legislative council. ASP Osman Hashim shared that the police were looking closely at the matter and if need be would use “all means necessary, including the ISA” when they locate the source of evil.

Lim Ah Tee, a Batu Gajah resident who was seen near the site, commented that he was distinctly spooked by the sight of so many Police Officers standing around the Perak State Assembly building.

“I read that most of the police will be deployed to Ipoh for the State Assembly sitting so I thought it might be safer to go there too since there will be very few policemen left to patrol the streets of Batu Gajah”.

Even with the overwhelming presence of Police Officers in the building, other State Assemblymen were quoted as being “frightened” and “worried”. Hee Yit Foong, an independent State Assemblywoman stated the only time she felt more scared was when crowds were calling for her to quit her seat after resigning from the DAP.

Indeed, the sense of fear continued even as the sitting commenced. When everybody was told to sit down and get ready for the royal address, there was only one Speaker of the House but two very different voices were heard calling the sitting to order. It turned out the Speaker of the House had split into two and possessed two people; V. Sivakumar (DAP-Tronoh) and Datuk R.Ganesan (MIC). With both Speakers shouting at each other to vacate the position, the sitting was soon disrupted.

Timeline: Perak State Assembly – Climate of Fear
0900H	Independent assemblymen Jamaluddin Mohd Radzi and Mohd Osman Jailu arrive at the State Assembly carpark in a Mercedes Benz car driven by Jamaluddin. Both Jamaluddin and Mohd Osman both have black eyes, evidenced by their inability to get enough sleep because of fear.
0910H	Three teams of Special (Ghostbuster) Branch officers gather outside the gates clad in their distinct blue uniform and red protective helmets. Apparently research has shown that Fear “fears” such a combination of colours.
0920H	Ten minutes to go to the opening of the sitting and the two possessed bodies (V.Sivakumar and R.Ganesan) of the Perak State Assembly Speaker are seen quarrelling with one another in the Speaker robes just inside the gates. Former menteri besar Mohammad Nizar Jamaludding covers his eyes at the sight of the commotion.
0943H	Hee Yit Foong takes her seat and is accompanied by seven attentive SB officers who hold up their shields in unison; as she is the Deputy Speaker – there are fears that she might suffer the same affliction affecting Sivakumar and Ganesan.
1000H	The Speaker calls for the commencement – but two voices heard. Dr. Zambry Abdul Kadir is seen shivering in fear as he thinks that the voices are coming from inside his head.
1029H	Thomas Su (DAP Assemblyman) felt someone tapping on his shoulder but when he turns… he sees nobody.
1034H	Saiful Adli Mohd Arshad (UMNO Perak State Youth Chief) denies tapping on Thomas Su. He lodges a police report at that accusation and sues for RM 100 million and threatens Thomas with a MACC investigation.
1109H	Four State Assemblymen go to the toilet together. One comes back and reports a leaking tap somewhere in the house but they can’t find the source.
1200H	SB (G) officers lined up in anti-fear formation in front of locals who are grouping outside the Assembly building to take a peek. Two potential sources of fear were set upon and beaten but both cases turned out to be false alarms. Twenty of the locals were brought into custody for further questioning as they seemed “a little fearful”.
1345H	Tear gas unleashed on possible sources of fear around the State Assembly. The Police believe that tear gas have the ability to disperse fear and lobs it as much as possible. Water cannons were not used as there were “not enough fear” to warrant such methods.
1459H	A much postponed Opening Address sees appearance of a mysterious short green man with pointy ears who warns against Fear: “Fear is the path to the dark side, Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to hate, Hate leads to suffering”. Pandemonium breaks out at the backbenchers.
1548H	A wrestling match occurs with Assemblymen from both BN and Pakatan Rakyat hitting each other to drive “the fear out of each other”. Such unity across party lines and efforts to help each other has seldom been seen in any Malaysian legislative assemblies.
1623H	Policemen also joined into the melee in order to help restore calmness. Pakatan Rakyat Assemblymen are dealt with more strongly as ASP Osman Hashim sensed that “there is much fear in them”.
1700H	BN and Pakatan Rakyat Assemblymen hold separate sittings within the State Assembly building. An eerie sense of calmness reigned at the separate sittings. Nobody shouted at each other anymore and everyone seemed more relaxed.

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“The Heritage Department is very disturbed over the recent ill-treatment of newspapers by provocateurs who seek to disrupt the papers’ exercise of their constitutional right of free speech. We wish to remind would-be rabble-rousers that under the provisions of the National Heritage Act 2005 , the destruction or obstruction of property under protection shall make the offender liable of an offence punishable by imprisonment of up to five years as well as a fine of up to RM 50,000,” the Heritage Commissioner Professor Emeritus Datuk Zuraina Majid told the press yesterday.

“It also means that these newspapers cannot be used in any other way than what is considered fair public use – one can only choose whether to read or not to read them.”

In one of the first raids conducted by PDRM to enforce the new Heritage status of certain newspapers, at least 60 people in Selangor have been caught yesterday afternoon misusing their newspapers for purposes other than to obtain news and have been subjected to a warning as well as a summary fine of RM 100. They include a pisang goreng seller who was using pages from Utusan Malaysia to wrap his product for customers, a rag-and-bone man who haphazardly threw a bundle of assorted newspapers that he was planning to send to the recycling company into his lorry, as well as a glassware retailer who wrapped his wares in newspapers as a precaution against breakage.

The guidelines laid down by the National Heritage Department also mentioned other unorthodox uses for these newspapers that have been forbidden, including using pages as rough paper for jotting down notes as well as the use of newspapers as emergency toilet paper. Even the disposal of the papers in a “less than respectful” manner is verboten.

Lamented a long-time Star reader: “I have piles and piles of Star papers that I have neglected to dispose of since 6 months ago, and now what am I to do with them? I can’t keep them forever!”

The newspapers that have been granted Heritage protection include Utusan Malaysia, Berita Harian, The New Straits Times, The Star, The Malay Mail, China Press, Nanyang Siang Pau, Tamil Nesan and Makkal Osai.

The Petai cannot help but observe that the newspapers’ Heritage statuses have been granted not too long after the insulting actions of Malays burning Utusan Malaysia have been brought to the public’s attention by a Member of Parliament.

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It was reported that several shops selling sex toys and illegal sexual stimulants in Johor Baru and the Klang Valley were raided recently. At one shop along Jalan Wong Ah Fook, more than RM100, 000 worth of toys and stimulants were seized.

What The Petai could not help but notice is the raiding party – in Johor Baru, Deputy OCPD Supt Zainal Baharom lead a team in the raid on the Jalan Wong Ah Fook shop while in the Klang Valley, Deputy Supt Razali Abdul Samad and DBKL Deputy Director-General (Services) Datuk Amin Nordin Abdul Aziz were involved in the raid there.

And now the question – do we really need such a high powered team for the raids? What were our top cops worried about – the sex toys and stimulants out-witting our rank-and-file cops if they were to conduct the raid? And it should not be that hard (pun intended) to conduct such raids?

There are a number of other crimes taking place daily in our country – from Johor Baru up to Bukit Kayu Hitam, like snatch theft, murder or rape cases etc. But our cops, Superintendents and Deputy Director-Generals no less, had to focus their energy and time on these small and petty misdemeanors.

And we wonder why our crime rate is so high…..

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