The Petai » World

Who’s the bigger Zionist?

Editor — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 08:27:23 +0000

KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 2010 – PKR advisor and de facto leader Anwar Ibrahim is fuming mad and stamping his feet over how Prime Minister Najib Razak has turned the PR tables on him. The alleged (alleged by Anwar himself) Zionist regime-linked public relations firm Apco Worldwide is being accused by Anwar of pulling off a spectacular media stunt by convincing B’nai B’rith, the world’s oldest pro-Israeli group, to attack him and asking Anwar’s American chums like best friend Paul Wolfowitz not to fraternize with him anymore.

Suitably incensed, Anwar has hit back at Najib saying he had proof that Najib was the bigger Zionist. “I just want to tell the world that Najib is the world’s biggest Zionist!” – claimed Anwar. Referring to a list of companies that have a track record of supporting Israel, Anwar singled out Coca-Cola, saying it was a well-known fact that Najib consumed Zionist beverages.

Najib consuming the Zionist beverage Coca-Cola with other Zionist looking people

Our TPT reporters went down to the Prime Minister’s Office to try and find out just who the bigger Zionist was. When asked about claims that it was “Always Coca-Cola” for the Prime Minister, the staffer dismissed this saying that Anwar was in fact, “the biggest Zionist of them all” and that he used Zionist products “everywhere and anywhere”.

“We have it on good authority that Anwar buys and uses Kleenex tissues, a Zionist product, in copious amounts.” Sniggering, the PMO staffer added “He uses it after some of his ‘private meetings’ and we also happen to know he likes a Kit Kat or two afterwards.

Aussies protest selective protesting; Perkasa protests Pemuda’s decision; Khairy protests he has nothing to do with it; Yanks call for fair protests

Editor — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 06:07:00 +0000

KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 19 – Throughout the day, the city had been held hostage by protesters protesting against the unfair decision to protest only against the Australians that had been made by UMNO Youth / Pemuda unilaterally without consulting its wholly unaffiliated protesting partners Perkasa, the Barisan National Backbenchers Club, Makkal Sakhthi and MIC Youth.

It is understood that the counter-protests and subsequent counter-counter-protests erupted somewhere along the line after an announcement that Pemuda would protest against the Australians, but not the Americans, citing technical differences which the mobs subsequently forgot in the heat of debate. The Petai also understands that originally the protests had been over a protest note lodged by 50 Australian MPs with the Malaysian High Commission in Canberra over the sodomy trial of de facto opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, which had been described as being both fair and unfair all at the same time by protesters, depending on who you talk to and at what time of the day.

The city of Kuala Lumpur, having been deserted since the week before as workers left the city to celebrate the Chinese New Year holidays, became a battleground for a myriad of protesters from all walks of life.

“Oh I’m not here for the protests. I’m only here to enjoy the wayang kulit,” commented a Chinese Malaysian who gave his name as Kong Fuu Yan. “I’m still on leave actually – it’s not everyday I get to see this side of KL. It’s a festive atmosphere that you have to experience to understand.”

“My mates and I heard the bandits were sacking Aussie property, and we mustered up what men we could after we found out your guys weren’t doing the same thing to the Yanks. Talk about blatant racism! We ‘ave to let ‘em know you don’t mess with Aussies without getting bitten back! Besides, it’s been a blast with plenty of beer and a barbie…” stuttered a staggering drunkard who was part of a group of rowdy Caucasians who had set up an encampment outside Wisma Putra.

Meanwhile, Perkasa had moved its mobile headquarters (supposedly a dilapidated minivan sequestered from some poor street hawker) to below Pemuda’s headquarters at Jalan Tun Ismail from its earlier location outside the Australian High Commission, and had redeployed its fearsome protest machinery against Pemuda, only to be faced by a protesting Khairy Jamaluddin who insist the decision to not protest against the Americans was not his, and that they were made by a ‘higher up’ who thought American relations were too important to be risked.

In other news, the United States Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had been incensed when she found out President Barack Obama was planning to send her husband Bill as a special envoy to Malaysia to raise American objections against the country’s selective protests against one country but not the others.

“My husband is not the Secretary of State. I am. I will decide who gets to go on overseas missions, and Bill is definitely not out of the dog house yet. Barack needs to have a word with me, and I will give him a piece of my mind, just like how I will give Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib a piece of my mind.

“I heard Datin Rosmah is a fearsome woman. But I’m pretty sure a woman can handle her.”

Wisma Putra drafts speech explaining situation to Aussies

Editor — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 06:06:28 +0000

WISMA PUTRA, Feb 17 – Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak had earlier tasked Wisma Putra to explain the facts pertaining to Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s sodomy case to Australian lawmakers so that they would get a clearer picture of the case. He had done so in the belief that these lawmakers probably did not know the real situation and were acting out according to misguided perceptions and heated passions. The Petai has, with no small difficulty, obtained a very early draft of a speech prepared by Wisma Putra that would be delivered by Foreign Minister Datuk Anifah Aman to Capital Hill, Canberra. The words of the draft, incompletely corrected and edited, can be found below:

Her Excellency the Governor-General

The Honourable Prime Minister

Distinguished Ministers, Senators and House Representatives

G’day mates!

I come here today to talk to you about a pressing issue that has driven a rift between our two great nations. It is actually a non-issue, for I feel relations between our countries, which have never been better, have stood the test of time and will stand this latest test.

Some people from the Australian Labour Party have lied a misperception that Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim has been unfairly persecuted by the Malaysian government for his political beliefs. This is a lie incorrect on two fronts. Firstly, there has never been any persecution of any sort by the Malaysian government. It is always the judiciary who is doing the persecution prosecution. Secondly, my government disagrees that Datuk Seri Anwar has any political beliefs that are beneficial to the country. Rather, his only belief is that he will gain self-satisfaction support from seducing young aides by appealing to public sympathy.

The courts of Malaysia have evidence to suggest that Datuk Seri Anwar has unlawfully penetrated the arse of sodomised a male aide. This is treated as a criminal case, and I am therefore not allowed to deliberate further, for fear of affecting the case’s outcome.

Mates, why let a wanker an indicted criminal destroy relations between us? Is our long-cultivated friendship really worth lesser than a pansy? Let the law deal with him and his perversions. Speaking for myself, I find the whole notion of homosexuality unnatural and detestable, as I’m sure many of you may agree. Those of you who are queers yourself may also find it uncomfortable that a queer has made his sexuality such a public issue. Like Americans, you would also feel a policy of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is more befitting of your unfortunate situation.

We ask therefore that you leave our legal systems alone and cease the lies that you are propagating in your newspapers, or we shall take drastic measures to ensure our sheep citizens do not get influenced by the rhetoric in your press.

I hereby express Malaysia’s sincere hope of continuing our relations beyond this temporary obstacle, and thank you for giving us your time in listening to our story.

Missing Indians versus Missing Indonesians

Pak Bob — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 03:11:57 +0000

Kuala Lumpur, 15 January 2010

It was reported recently by PM Najib Razak that about 39,000 Indian nationals on tourist visas to Malaysia have gone missing after their visas have expired. Malaysian Home Ministry officials have looked everywhere for them, but have not found them or obtained any positive leads to their whereabouts. When queried about the 2 million “missing” illegal Indonesians in Malaysia, the Home Ministry official flatly denied any knowledge on that matter and replied that he does not even have a single missing Indonesian on his list.

When queried further that any Malaysian, with proper functioning eyes could see that there are gazillions of illegal Indonesians walking around Kuala Lumpur, and that if you were to close your eyes and throw a stone, it would definitely hit an Indonesian, or two, the official stood his ground and firmly made it clear that the Home Ministry, together with the police had done numerous patrols around the KL city area and have never come across one single missing Indonesian. Whenever they question an Indonesian they meet on their patrols, the Indonesian would claim that he is not missing and the authorities would let him go subsequently.

Following that reply, the Home Ministry official made a quick exit from the press conference hall and was seen being driven away in a Mercedes Benz by an Indonesian looking driver.