Chua Soi Lek’s sudden resignation on 04 March as MCA Deputy President surprised many of us, including myself. While I promote myself as one of Malaysia’s best and most accurate fengshui master, I had not predicted such an outcome from the MCA leadership crisis. But that is not to say that my skills are lousy and that I should quit writing this column. Allow me to clarify my stand on the issue.

1. Chua was born in the Year of the Dog. According to the Chinese zodiac, people born in the Year of the Dog are known for being loyal yet unpredictable. It should be noted that while Chua has resigned, he has not completely washed his hands off the party.
2. All bad things should have been resolved before the Chinese New Year. Leaving things unresolved before a festive occasion is clearly not in line with the 1Malaysia spirit.
3. I can only give a general guidelines that will help people lead their lives. I am no God who can dictate what each and every person should do. The “chi” of each person is changeable over time this affects his or her destiny. In this case, the “chi” emanating from recent defections from the opposition created an atmosphere conducive for handing in the pink slip.
4. What’s my advice for the MCA? Just three words – Manage, Calm, Absolve.

UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, Feb 22 – Mama Ape had a firm belief in the corrective abilities of the rod, and the editorial board here at the Petai has continued this tradition in its treatment of its writing monkeys albeit in a humane manner with electric shocks from tasers.

Hence it was quite a shock to us (pun intended) that modern civilisations view corporeal punishment as archaic and a relic of the past. Even more shocking had been how a certain advocacy group had professed to be of a certain faith and yet had strangely condemned the caning of the Kajang 3 who were deserving of punishment as prescribed in a certain law. This despite reports that all 3 women felt that their sentences had brought them to a higher state of enlightenment, and that the caning had strangely made them felt repentant and on the right path to salvation, or something to that effect.

The Petai’s faith in the effectiveness of corporeal punishment however extends beyond gender boundaries. In the Qur’an, the Sura Nur (24:2) specifically recommends the following: “The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes; let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the last day; and let a party of the believers witness their punishment.”

In other words, it is not only the Kajang 3 who should be punished under the law, but also the 3 men they were having illicit sex with. A literal interpretation of the Qur’an would involve the whipping (and not caning) of all parties involved with a hundred strokes.

Since time immemorial, females have been referred to as the fairer sex, and modern sensitivities, in part influenced by corrupting western practices, have dictated a more lenient treatment, which the Petai feels has led to a decay in the morals of our great nation. Even worse, 1 of the 3 women was caned only 4 times while the other offenders, including 4 men, were given 6 strokes. One wonders what sort of logic was used in deciding that one should receive fewer strokes than the others, when all were convicted of illicit sex and bearing illegitimate children.

The Home Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein assures everyone that the sentences did not injure the Kajang 3 since special measures were taken to protect their well-being, but “caused pain within their souls.” Being strict constructionists, we here at the Petai observe that such measures thwart the intentions of the Qur’an, which had commanded followers to “show not the slightest compassion in inflicting punishment, or else they will land nothing less than their Faith itself in jeopardy.” (Dr. Fazl-ur-Rahman Ansari)

No sir, if we are to protect the virtue and chastity of our maidens and young men, we need to bring back the long-forgotten traditions of flogging with a hundred stripes, such as is still practiced in certain Middle-eastern countries. Most importantly, we should show no mercy to both men and women, and if the western world interferes in our traditions, we shall satisfy their concern for gender equality by doubling the punishment for men (200 strokes of the whip). This would indicate to the international community that we are not discriminating by gender, and that Malaysia is still a moderate Muslim country.

UNDISCLOSED BUNKER SOMEWHERE, Feb 5 –The Petai’s legal ape has this message for the kind people at the Communications and Multimedia Commission (SKMM), in particular His Excellency the Minister for Information, Communications, Culture and Arts, Datuk Seri Dr Rais Yatim:

Please don’t sue us. We are already broke as it is trying to maintain the web host, and the ad revenues are not coming in like our marketing chimpanzees said it would. If we have to settle, we can only offer bananas.

To reassure the ministry (and the Attorney-General’s Chambers’ watchmen) that the Petai practices responsible reporting, our writing monkeys have been issued guidelines as well as special Pavlovian training using peanuts and electric shocks. Every time they flout the guidelines, a non-lethal electric current will be allowed to flow briefly through the tasers we’ve installed on the base of their chairs, reminding them in a civilised manner that what they’ve written is wrong and anti-Malaysian. On the contrary, a writing monkey that submits a compliant report will be rewarded with a single peanut that will be dropped onto its desk through a hole in the roof.

Essentially, we will be following procedures that our colleagues at Radio Television Malaysia (RTM) have put in place to ensure that their writing monkeys produce Malaysia-friendly reports.

Although we cannot say more about what these guidelines may be (since RTM might sue us for revealing their trade secrets), loyal readers would notice that some rather unnecessary self-censorship have taken place recently here at the Petai. These include altering pictures to protect the identity of a (racist) special officer, proper accreditation of sources, and even close cooperation with a SKMM operative to ensure that we do not cross the line on the passing of the Sultan of Johor.

Our readers would expect to see more of this censorship responsible reporting in the coming weeks in our coverage of Sodomy II to ensure that sensationalism do not get the better of our writing monkeys.

As such, we would like to ask that SKMM withhold from any legal motions against the Petai, for we really do not want to be held accountable for cruelty to our writing monkeys.

So what does all this mean for you, our readers? For one, it means the news will come to you later stuffed full of interesting factoids about what makes our country great. For example, the story on Friday’s protest at the Federal Territory Mosque had been placed on the Petai too late to matter, but now contains 100% more mockery of the opposition, as approved by our SKMM operative. We understand that the delay was caused when our SKMM operative really had to take a leave of absence to relief stress at Port Dickson after spending many late nights at our bunker and RTM’s. He also mumbled something about ‘striking a deal with the devil’ and ‘selling my soul.’