The Petai recently caught up with Kelantan Menteri Besar and PAS Spiritual Leader Tok Guru Nik Aziz for an interview in his office in Kota Baru, Kelantan on his remarks that all Malays are to be in  one party. The following is the transcript of the interview with Nik Aziz.

The Petai (TP) : Tok Guru – can I call you TG? We would like to thank you for accepting our request for this interview. So TG, how have you been lately?

Tok Guru (TG) : Ok lah. Tak apa-apa. Only that when I get up in the morning, I have this terrible headache, I think I am tying my turban too tightly. Age is catching up, and we cannot expect everything to be as tight as it used to be (here TG winks at us and throws a glance at his very matured female clerk). You know what I mean, so it is time to loosen things up hehe…

TP: Oookaayy, so TG, what do you do to keep fit?

TG: I berlari 2 miles everyday, then berenang sedikit di Sungai Golok. After work, when I come home at about 3pm, again I go for a short jog, take my bath, do my prayers, have my meal – and do my husbandly duties with my wife later that night. That is probably one of the thing that is keeping me healthy, you should try it too but of course, not with my wife but with your own wife

TP: Again, oookaayy, so TG, what do you read to keep abreast with what is going on in Malaysia, the region and the world?

TG: (after about 10 seconds replies) I only read one thing, the Koran, everything that has happened, is happening, and going to happen is in the Koran, no newspaper, magazine or any other reading materials can beat the Koran…..and please do not use the word abreast again, it just threw me off, did you notice that I took some time to reply to your question. I want to keep my spiritual mind clean, use other words like “keep up” ohh, “keep up” also cannot, it will throw my mind off also – I will think of something later to replace such words… keep going! oouccchhh! I did it myself this time.

TP: Oookaayy, so TG, lets cut the chase and go straight for the jugular – in an interview today with Bernama, you mentioned that you want all Malays to be in one party, and that the party should be PAS. Would you like to comment on that?

TG: We do not want to confuse things too much for the Malay people –they are already a confused bunch. You have Umno, you have PBB (Parti Pesaka Bumiputera Bersatu), than you have PKR – so confusing, actually it’s very simple, no need so susah… (waves his hand in front of me like some Jedi) we alllllll shoulllldddd beeeeee under one bannnnnner, and thaaaatttt bannnnnnnner is PASssssssss…

TP: Ok TG, please stop waving your hand in-front of my face, I can still smell the belacan from your lunch on your fingers. So you are saying you want to keep it simple for the Malays?

TG: (now waving his fingers in-front of my face) Yyeeessssss…

TP: Than would it not be like in Indonesia during the Suharto era, where only 3 political parties were allowed to function and all the other parties had to choose among these 3 to function  – would not there be more in-fighting?

TG : Betul! Now we are talking baby. Nowadays the young ones don’t know how to fight. Like Ibrahim Ali and Nazri Aziz. What “you dare me I dare you?” “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine?” Sound like small boys comparing their wee-wees in the toilet. How to take them seriously? We need to go back to simpler times. When we can close the door and settle with our fists. You put me in the ring with Dr. M, give me gloves and let’s see who is the last man standing. That Dr. M he’s a tough one. He knows “Look East” karate. But I have my Kelantanese silat-muay thai hybrid khas! I am going to whack Dr. M into a pulp. His stupid face is just begging me to whack and slap him until he cries for mercy.  Did you ever notice that Dr. M does not have any emotions – when he gembira, he has that stupid look on his face, when he sedih, that same look is on his face, when he is reporting about something exciting, that same stupid sullen look is still on his face. At times I wonder if Dr. M is really alive, or he died and all his cronies have somehow kept his body alive and are pulling the strings from the back. Anyway, if we can get all the Malays into one party and if Dr. M is still alive, I would love to slug it out with Dr. M. The next person I want to slug it out with is Rais Yatim – that old fart needs to be sent to the mortuary and I will be doing all Malaysians a favour by sending him there.

TP : But TG, isn’t it better to have more parties, then there is diversification, and competition and more energies and ideas will flow because of this diversification.

TG: Who the hell cares about diversification and energies and idea and all these stupid crap.. I just want to slug it out with Dr. M and that old fart Rais. Or… oh-oh-oh we can have a threesome, Dr. M, the old fart Rais and me in the ring at the same time – it will be like killing two birds with one stone, more like two stupid birds. And one person who is stoned from the excitement of killing two birds. Ohhh, I am getting so raunchy thinking about it.

TP: So your idea is to get everybody under one banner – so you can fight?

TG: Yes yes yes, how else on earth can we kill all these corrupt, filthy, dirty, unspeakable Umno politicians – get them into one place and nuke them!!

TP: Do you think God will approve of this?

TG: Hai, we in PAS have rules that we play by. In PAS, we have the Ulama who decides if God approves or not – who are we to approve such things. We leave it to the Ulama to decide. But God is always forgiving. So inilah begitu, you know what I think.

TP: Going back to the Umno guys, how are you going to convince them, and the other Malay parties to join you.

TG: I have this elaborate plan, use money.

TP: What part of using money is elaborate?

TG: For Umno, money is enough elaboration, no need to explain anymore. They will come in droves to join PAS. And seeing that, all the other Malay parties will also join us HAHAHAHAHAHA (pauses for awhile with a strange faraway look on his face). Once Umno has joined us, we will kill all their stupid leaders, in Umno’s case, that means killing all the leaders – then together with the Umno ground guys – we will rule Malaysia as One Country Under Islam.

TP: But what if the Umno guys who join PAS kills off all the PAS leaders and take over the whole of Malaysia – I mean, that is a possible scenario you guys in PAS might want to ponder.

TG: Please lah, we are talking about Umno. When they join PAS, we will give them a door gift – which is actually a small bag of goodies like biscuits, sweets, kuih-muih inside  – but at the same time, we will also place some arak inside the bag – and being Umno guys, they will definitely go for the arak, that is when we go and finish them off! HAHAHAHAHAHA (has a strange faraway look again).

TP : But TG, isn’t that evil?

TG: There is nothing evil about killing evil – it is okay (munches on his keropok).

TP: Do you think you will succeed?

TG: Of course I will succeed – my horoscope last week stated that I will succeed in whatever I do, so you see, I will succeed.

TP: Ok, lets say for argument’s sake you succeed – and you get all the Malays in one party and you kill off all your opponents, or in your words, the evil Malays – what then?

TG: Ahhhhhh, that will be Syurga – and then we will straight go to a goldsmith, recycle some of the gold dinars to make a crown, and I will wear a crown and rule Malaysia – that will solve my stupid morning headache problem J

Related posts:

1. Zaid: I’ve really finally conclusively decided which party to join – who cares?
2. First ever interview with our former PM Abdullah Badawi
3. Chua Soi Lek to jump… party

Khairy Jamaluddin has always been described as one of the more astute and malleable political creatures of the Dewan Rakyat. We examine Khairy’s psyche in this exclusive…

Thurs, Aug 5, 2010

A year is a long time in politics. Just look at Khairy “call me KJ” Jamaluddin. The scion of the admittedly lacking Abdullah Badawi legacy, KJ has, since his father-in-law’s departure in 2009, become something of a black sheep in UMNO. We see this in his epic battle over the Pemuda leadership when KJ, mucked by accusations of corruption, went on to be shunned by Najib. Tengku Razaleigh accused KJ of inaction, and some in Pemuda agree that the latter was licking his wounds and failing to keep his eye on Malay rights. There are already sporadic accounts of revolts, first at a February exco meeting when some expressed their displeasure with their new chief, and then more recently with rumors of mutiny, plots, and intrigues. Strangely, there seems to be a shortage of coverage on this revolt in KJ-friendly media, most notably The Malaysian Insider and The Nut Graph. Joining an elite group comprising only Free Malaysia Today (for now), The Petai speaks to Khairy on his political survival and gets some surprising answers that no one expects him to say in public.

TP: Do you feel any pressure to swing a keris around at exco meetings?

KJ: Everyone asks me that and they always give me a strange look when I tell them I don’t like swinging kerises around. Look I know you all think this is what Pemuda does but you’re wrong! Before (Home Minister and former Youth Chief) Hisham started this nonsense, Pemuda chiefs only had to threaten to use a keris. Just look at Ops Lalang. All Najib had to do was threaten to soak a keris in Chinese blood. Things have gone downhill since Hisham took over and swung an actual keris around. I don’t blame him for it though. He was under a lot of pressure in 2005 to vindicate his leadership to the hardliners. I can still remember that day as if it was just yesterday. He broke down in tears during an exco meeting and begged for mercy before conceding to the keris waving proposal. I swore then that I would never bow down to such embarrassment.

TP: That was really insightful. A lot of people don’t realise the stresses faced by Pemuda leaders. It’s that bad huh?

KJ: It is! You always have to play to the faithful and appear overly-enthusiastic on matters you could care less about. And then there is this feeding frenzy mentality from the young wannabe ikan yu. All these hounds who are braying for blood, nipping on your heels, pestering you to go further, faster and louder, and they are all hoping that when you’ve gone too far, too fast and too loud you’ll fall from grace and they can replace you. And when your instincts tell you to moderate the more extremist demands, they go the other way and say you’re lesu. And they still plot behind your back to replace you.

TP: But why are you so stubborn on the keris waving? Isn’t it easier to concede? Many past Youth leaders have given in and yet went on to bigger and better things.

KJ: When you give them a hand, they’ll take an arm. They even tried to make a conciliatory gesture by asking me what other weapon I am willing to swing at meetings. I told them I will only swing a real M-16 around. This, I said, was because keris swinging is too humdrum in UMNO and has lost its shock value. If I had a real M-16 with real rounds, I think I can do better at exciting UMNO delegates. A few shots and they will be crying for mommy and crapping their pants. Of course they couldn’t get me an M-16. (KJ had spent a month training in the Territorial Army.)

All those years grinning and bearing as Hisham’s deputy taught me that waving a keris has other implications too. Like polishing the blade for too many hours instead of doing something more productive like rousing a mob in the streets. Or preparing press releases to convince people that Hisham has not gone bonkers. I’m so glad Hisham took the Panca Warisan with him to Home Affairs. I hear he’s developed a taste for swinging it and now uses it to cow people like (Attorney-General) Abdul Gani Patail and (Inspector General of Police) Musa Hassan into submission. I’m afraid the keris has changed him irreparably and meetings at Home Affairs are never the same again. I hear they are now S&M sessions with whips and latex costumes.

I know a lot of Malaysia’s leaders made a name for themselves as pretend-ultras. The only exception was (former Prime Minister) Mahathir, who was a natural-born ultra. That one didn’t need any encouragement to soak kerises in anyone’s blood. He will not only tikam someone, he will twist the keris and smile while doing it. But I’m convinced we need change. And to all who doubt Pemuda can change, I only have nine words for you: Yes we can, and that’s because I say so.

TP: You described yourself as a “centrist radical” to Malaysiakini. Care to explain what that means?

KJ: A centrist radical is someone who will lead protests against the Great Satan America and its Zionist Pakatan spies and at the same time encourage free trade with the world’s biggest economy while sending your military to participate in peacekeeping missions to develop international goodwill.

TP: Isn’t that contradictory? First you attack America and then you want to trade with it.

KJ: That’s just like how I attack Anwar and Pakatan vehemently and then I borrow ideas and sound bites like “Little Napoleon” from them. If you didn’t know already, I’m a politician. This is what we politicians do. We look at which way the wind blows and we try to lean in the right direction. Grow up man. It’s just business. If you don’t have the stomach for it, get out of the kitchen.

TP: You mentioned that there’s a lot of pressure on Pemuda leaders. One recent source of pressure is Tengku Razaleigh…

KJ: I think Ku Li is getting old and has lost his marbles. How can he say Pemuda is responsible for the Perkasa goons? Has he even seen some of the reports the Youth Lab has prepared? Does he even know how modern Malay youths think? Unlike old timers like Ku Li, Mahathir, Ibrahim Ali and Khir Toyo, I know everything about how Malay youths think. Facebook, Twitter, MSN, Maple Story and DotA. I’ve spent every waking hour tinkering with these… things. So I can say I know everything about youths. I know youths nowadays are only concerned about parties, money, and branded goods. It’s all about consumerism. Anything that has ‘i’ in it will get their passions up. You know, like iPhone, iPad or iPod. Only old fogies think that youths use Blackberry, or have time for intellectualism or existential questions like Malay rights. Malay youths look at all these arguments and ask “Just what is this Malay rights thing and what’s in it for me?” Can Malay rights ensure that the iPhone 4’s antenna is fixed before it’s released by Maxis? Or that the white iPhone will be on sale in Malaysia? Can Malay rights ensure that StarCraft 2 multiplayer servers will not suck? Can Malay rights lower the prices of Gucci and Prada handbags? Or Jimmy Choo shoes? Youths live in the present, and think of the future. For them, the past is irrelevant and tomorrow couldn’t come sooner.

If Ku Li thinks he can do a better job, he should try contesting Pemuda’s leadership next year. Unfortunately, he’s too old. He’s better off trying to start a “Warga Emas UMNO” to run as his personal fiefdom instead of butting into Pemuda’s business. His ex-Semangat 46 comrades can join him too.

TP: So it’s true you’re stepping down as Pemuda chief. Why?

KJ: I will always be a youth at heart. Even when I’m very old, I will still get on a bike and terrorise the Rembau ‘hood. I think Pemuda is generally made up of nice people. First you need to know the secret handshakes and gang signs. And get a couple of tattoos and a rap sheet with the MACC so you can build your reputation. But it’s worth all the trouble when you get into the family. It’s just the old troublemakers that spoil the fun. They always pile the blame on convenient scapegoats like me for their performance issues. I think they should take some Viagra before they talk about other people’s performance.

TP: Does this have anything to do with the mutiny reported by Free Malaysia Today that is going on behind the scenes against friendly state chiefs?

KJ: I don’t understand what these people want from me. They say my branch leaders are underperforming. Just what kind of performance do they expect? A Dusun song and dance ceremony with a spear and shield, replete with threats to dip the spear in the blood of certain races?

I have a message for troublemakers in Selangor, Perak and Johor: You think you can take me on? Try me. I’m waiting for you. Give me your best shot. My ass is dangling out here, waiting for you cowards to make your move. If you can’t muster the courage to come out of the closet, get the f*** out of my Pemuda.

TP: I think Ku Li and the Pemuda rank and file are concerned that the organisation’s traditional responsibility is being challenged by Perkasa.

KJ: Here we go again with the Malay rights thing. When will you people understand that Malay youths are apathetic about Malay rights? With a 65% Bumiputera majority that is growing exponentially given the decreasing numbers of Chinese and Indians, just what is this concern about Malay rights? If emigration and falling birth rates keep up, there won’t be any Chinese or Indian left. Then what will UMNO do when everyone’s a Bumiputera? Fight for only “Malay” Malays against Orang Asli, Penan, Ibans, Kadazan-Dusun, and the like?

Besides, defending Malay rights isn’t just Pemuda’s job. It’s not for Perkasa or UMNO to say that oh we’re the knight in shining armor for the Malays. Malay rights is something that all Malaysians – Malays, Indians and Chinese – play a role in.

TP: … huh?

KJ: Indians and Chinese have an interest in defending Malay rights too. Because when we Malays feel secure, they too are secure. This requires a mindset change to accomplish. My youth lab is looking into how MCA and MIC Youth can persuade Chinese and Indian youths to believe that Malay rights are also their rights.

TP: But can the Indians and Chinese –

KJ: We love all, we don’t discriminate.

TP: You can’t expect them to agree to –

KJ: Oh yes we can.

TP: … moving on –

KJ: Let this be a warning to any turncoat in Pemuda. My people are looking into the FMT report. My Worldwide Loyalty Team is looking into the FMT report and will submit a lab report on any mutinous or seditious influences on the ground. When we’re done with the investigation, spies caught will get to sleep with the fishes. With concrete boots. This stinks of a Khir Toyo stay-behind operation and we’ll get to the bottom even if there’s collateral damage.

TP: That sounds ruthless even for you.

KJ: When dealing with Brutus, one can never be too careful.

TP: In the past month you’ve found an unexpected ally in Wee Ka Siong.

KJ: I’m surprised how close I’ve become to Wee. We started cautiously, both trying to feel the other out. I mean, you never know which orientation the other guy bats for. Someone could be straight as a whistle and yet secretly harbour a longing for forbidden pleasures. That’s exactly how Wee is. I started by sending a message to test the waters during the scholarships fiasco and he reciprocated. One thing led to another and before we know it, we were exchanging regular messages both on Facebook and Twitter. We even started making arrangements for intimate rendezvouses, and this one time, we made reservations for a room at –

TP: Glad you two have a good relationship. Let’s talk about Ibrahim. I’m sure Petai readers are going to be interested in your take on your formidable adversary.

KJ: Ibrahim formidable? That’s a joke right? He’s a turncoat and an attention hog leading a flock of vultures. Just because he has a fly-by-night NGO at his beck and call he thinks he can hold UMNO hostage. And the worst thing is, he actually believes he is popular. That’s what you get when you have a worm eating too much s*** for too many years. Somebody should fix this abomination. Permanently.

TP: What do you think should be done to fix him?

KJ: I can’t tell you offhand what should be done to him without being impolite. Let’s see… how about a gender change? I’d love to hear him sing like a girl after that. Or surgery to shut his trap?

TP: (Clears throat) Right. You said Ibrahim is an attention hog. Aren’t you in the news very often too?

KJ: Unlike him, I only say something to the press when I have reason to. Like when I need to sling muck at Ibrahim for example, or when I’m trying to gain political mileage. I even told my Pemuda members that hogging attention of any kind is very annoying. They should only speak when they’re spoken to. They should sit down and listen to their leader. Or they can leave Pemuda. We have to end this “entering the frame” culture. Malaysian politics is not a 24-hour CNN news cycle.

TP: Ibrahim had some unkind things to say about you in a recent interview . What do you have to say about his allegation that your only qualification to run Pemuda is your relationship with former PM Abdullah?

I’ve read that interview. Of course being the son-in-law of Abdullah helps. Let’s be frank here. If I had not known Abdullah or my wife, I wouldn’t have joined politics. I’m an Oxford man with certifiable bumi qualifications. I could’ve been out and about swimming in billions of ringgit, wine and dine with Paris Hilton, party in socialite New York clubs and living it up with Hollywood starlets on Cristal champagne like Joh Low, who isn’t even bumi. Instead, I am here dealing with jaguh kampung like Ibrahim. Sometimes I think life isn’t fair.

TP: Is this what we can expect from Khairy Jamaluddin in the coming months? A shift to the middle and quick punches against the right?

KJ: I don’t think there’s a shift. It’s more a coming of age. I’ve cleaned up my act. I had to get rid of my thuggish past and pray people forget about the whole Mat Cemerlang fiasco. And then there’s those “fourth-floor boy” accusations. There’s also plenty of tough self-introspection. You know one of the advantages of stepping down as Ketua Pemuda is I can finally be my own man. No more Jekyll and Hyde transformations between bleeding-heart liberal and cold-heartless ultra. There were moments when I honested didn’t know what I was doing. Wielding placards and swearing bloody murder at people I didn’t know were one of the more illogical things I had to do as a card-carrying member of Pemuda. Now I’ve decided that I’ll stay true to myself. You may call me names now. But I don’t think you’ll find many changes in my politics 10, 20 years down the road. As for the punches, yeah I do sometimes find I need to work off steam against certain people. Speaking from personal experience, having a knuckle duster really helps.

TP: So what’s the difference between old Khairy and new Khairy?

KJ: I think the old Khairy would be very puzzled by the inconveniences taken by the new Khairy. The old Khairy would’ve preferred to work silently to double- or triple-cross his enemies. He would certainly hold onto the Pemuda leadership post for as long as his cold dead hands can hold. New Khairy had been accustomed to things like not getting favours from Bapak Mentua, groveling for positions after being left out, and being snubbed by just about everyone. The new me is more resilient for it, and doesn’t hold grudges as easily as the old me.

TP: Where do you go from here? A lot of people are interested in the post-Pemuda Khairy. Some speculate you might be targeting a supreme council post. The skeptics seem to think you’re angling for a better job by attenuating your message to be 1Malaysia friendly.

KJ: I take that you’ve read the report in The Star . They’re very kind to me you know? They even said I was tall, dark and handsome.

TP: Well you are tall and dark. I’m sure many women would consider you handsome.

KJ: Don’t let my wife hear that! Otherwise Bapak Mentua will have my head on a platter. I’m serious, don’t laugh. You all think Abdullah is a sleepyhead who’s out of touch with people around him. Actually these people around him are being had! Abdullah is the Godfather of Penangite politics before the young upstart Lim Guan Eng stepped into the picture. Even now, Abdullah is plotting and counter-plotting against Mahathir. It’s a chess game played out over the generations, and people like Najib, Hisham, Mukhriz and me are pawns on the board. The only difference is Mahathir is noisier than Abdullah, who prefers the silent kill. Don’t make the same mistake I made and underestimate Abdullah.

Despite what you hear, even I don’t know where I’m headed. I know many people think this departure is some strategic ploy to buy time for some grand master plan. But the new Khairy doesn’t have time for strategy, unlike the old Khairy. It’s all shooting from the hip like the Wild West from here on out.

An earlier interview with Khairy when he was moonlighting as a taxi driver can be found in the following video clip. In it he describes his enthusiasm for Malaysian football, the English language and party-hopping.

Related posts:

1. Aussies protest selective protesting; Perkasa protests Pemuda’s decision; Khairy protests he has nothing to do with it; Yanks call for fair protests
2. Ibrahim Ali reveals strategy to “kill 4 birds with 1 stone”
3. KJ – BN must start dreaming again; Pak Lah to lead

KUALA LUMPUR: Newly crowned All-England champion Datuk Lee Chong Wei was yesterday feted to a lunch by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak and wife, Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor, at the Parliament banquet hall.

“We are very proud of his achievement. It is special because he won in a prestigious tournament which also marked its 100th edition. I hope Chong Wei can retain this title,” said Najib.

“This win is a good stimulant for the 1Malaysia concept as it showcases the strong relationship between races in the country,” he said at the function, which was also attended by MPs from both sides of the political divide.

We ask Malaysians on their opinion of this story.

Yussof Zakaria, 53 (Kuala Lumpur) - Wah, not bad huh, this kind of pendatang is good. Can win titles for our country. Please don’t ask him to leave if he’s unhappy, he’s our last and only hope for the next Olympics! Cina that can bring glory to Malaysia is a Malaysian!

Tua Tau, 40 (Penang) - #%&*%!!! Only when we cina win something big then you come and share our glory! If not, we’re just pendatang!!! %^#$%!!!!!

S Ganeson , 54 (Selangor) - See, bukan Melayu also can contribute to Malaysia mah. The PM’s special officer Nasir Safar should be punished severely for insulting Chong Wei’s great great grandmother that she came to Malaysia to jual tubuh!!! And that my great great grandfather was a beggar!!! $@%&!!!!!

Marianna Unhapi, 77 (Sarawak) - Aiyo, I feel sorry for my fellow Malaysian. Only when you’re among the best in the world would the government acknowledge you as a Malaysian. So, will he be given bumi status? Will his children get into local universities? Will they be able to work in the government service?

Related posts:

1. Wisma Putra drafts speech explaining situation to Aussies
2. ‘No sign of any penetration’, says Anwar’s lawyer
3. PM praised efforts to decrease street crime

1. Chua was born in the Year of the Dog. According to the Chinese zodiac, people born in the Year of the Dog are known for being loyal yet unpredictable. It should be noted that while Chua has resigned, he has not completely washed his hands off the party.
2. All bad things should have been resolved before the Chinese New Year. Leaving things unresolved before a festive occasion is clearly not in line with the 1Malaysia spirit.
3. I can only give a general guidelines that will help people lead their lives. I am no God who can dictate what each and every person should do. The “chi” of each person is changeable over time this affects his or her destiny. In this case, the “chi” emanating from recent defections from the opposition created an atmosphere conducive for handing in the pink slip.
4. What’s my advice for the MCA? Just three words – Manage, Calm, Absolve.

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Hence it was quite a shock to us (pun intended) that modern civilisations view corporeal punishment as archaic and a relic of the past. Even more shocking had been how a certain advocacy group had professed to be of a certain faith and yet had strangely condemned the caning of the Kajang 3 who were deserving of punishment as prescribed in a certain law. This despite reports that all 3 women felt that their sentences had brought them to a higher state of enlightenment, and that the caning had strangely made them felt repentant and on the right path to salvation, or something to that effect.

The Petai’s faith in the effectiveness of corporeal punishment however extends beyond gender boundaries. In the Qur’an, the Sura Nur (24:2) specifically recommends the following: “The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes; let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the last day; and let a party of the believers witness their punishment.”

In other words, it is not only the Kajang 3 who should be punished under the law, but also the 3 men they were having illicit sex with. A literal interpretation of the Qur’an would involve the whipping (and not caning) of all parties involved with a hundred strokes.

Since time immemorial, females have been referred to as the fairer sex, and modern sensitivities, in part influenced by corrupting western practices, have dictated a more lenient treatment, which the Petai feels has led to a decay in the morals of our great nation. Even worse, 1 of the 3 women was caned only 4 times while the other offenders, including 4 men, were given 6 strokes. One wonders what sort of logic was used in deciding that one should receive fewer strokes than the others, when all were convicted of illicit sex and bearing illegitimate children.

The Home Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein assures everyone that the sentences did not injure the Kajang 3 since special measures were taken to protect their well-being, but “caused pain within their souls.” Being strict constructionists, we here at the Petai observe that such measures thwart the intentions of the Qur’an, which had commanded followers to “show not the slightest compassion in inflicting punishment, or else they will land nothing less than their Faith itself in jeopardy.” (Dr. Fazl-ur-Rahman Ansari)

No sir, if we are to protect the virtue and chastity of our maidens and young men, we need to bring back the long-forgotten traditions of flogging with a hundred stripes, such as is still practiced in certain Middle-eastern countries. Most importantly, we should show no mercy to both men and women, and if the western world interferes in our traditions, we shall satisfy their concern for gender equality by doubling the punishment for men (200 strokes of the whip). This would indicate to the international community that we are not discriminating by gender, and that Malaysia is still a moderate Muslim country.

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1. Petai Recipes: Anchovies with Petai
2. Illicit Sex Caning – It just does not add up
3. Petai Recipes: Simple Stir-Fried Petai

UNDISCLOSED BUNKER SOMEWHERE, Feb 5 –The Petai’s legal ape has this message for the kind people at the Communications and Multimedia Commission (SKMM), in particular His Excellency the Minister for Information, Communications, Culture and Arts, Datuk Seri Dr Rais Yatim:

Please don’t sue us. We are already broke as it is trying to maintain the web host, and the ad revenues are not coming in like our marketing chimpanzees said it would. If we have to settle, we can only offer bananas.

To reassure the ministry (and the Attorney-General’s Chambers’ watchmen) that the Petai practices responsible reporting, our writing monkeys have been issued guidelines as well as special Pavlovian training using peanuts and electric shocks. Every time they flout the guidelines, a non-lethal electric current will be allowed to flow briefly through the tasers we’ve installed on the base of their chairs, reminding them in a civilised manner that what they’ve written is wrong and anti-Malaysian. On the contrary, a writing monkey that submits a compliant report will be rewarded with a single peanut that will be dropped onto its desk through a hole in the roof.

Essentially, we will be following procedures that our colleagues at Radio Television Malaysia (RTM) have put in place to ensure that their writing monkeys produce Malaysia-friendly reports.

Although we cannot say more about what these guidelines may be (since RTM might sue us for revealing their trade secrets), loyal readers would notice that some rather unnecessary self-censorship have taken place recently here at the Petai. These include altering pictures to protect the identity of a (racist) special officer, proper accreditation of sources, and even close cooperation with a SKMM operative to ensure that we do not cross the line on the passing of the Sultan of Johor.

Our readers would expect to see more of this censorship responsible reporting in the coming weeks in our coverage of Sodomy II to ensure that sensationalism do not get the better of our writing monkeys.

As such, we would like to ask that SKMM withhold from any legal motions against the Petai, for we really do not want to be held accountable for cruelty to our writing monkeys.

So what does all this mean for you, our readers? For one, it means the news will come to you later stuffed full of interesting factoids about what makes our country great. For example, the story on Friday’s protest at the Federal Territory Mosque had been placed on the Petai too late to matter, but now contains 100% more mockery of the opposition, as approved by our SKMM operative. We understand that the delay was caused when our SKMM operative really had to take a leave of absence to relief stress at Port Dickson after spending many late nights at our bunker and RTM’s. He also mumbled something about ‘striking a deal with the devil’ and ‘selling my soul.’

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Kuala Lumpur: Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s sodomy charge cannot stand as medical reports do not suggest that there was any penetration, the High Court heard yesterday. We ask Malaysians on their opinion of this story.

Fadzil Kamarudin, 42 (Lipis, Pahang) - No penetration?? How come?? You mean Saiful planned everything so painstakingly but he forgot to penetrate himself? Alamak, how, like that? Is it too late to do it now?

Lim Tua Tao, 26(Kerian, Perak) - I don’t care whether got penetrate or not. I don’t care whether Anwar is gay or not. I will support anyone who remembers that we cina are Malaysians too! If Anwar wants my backside, I will give it to him! If Anwar wants me to penetrate him, I’ll do just that!! I sacrifice for my bangsa cina!!!

Ekagrah Sulek, 65 (Sungai Pelek, Selangor) - Oi, give him chance lah, maybe he really can’t help it. If Anwar can save our temples, I don’t really care whoever or whatever he penetrates in his free time.

Sheridan Maksak, 81 (Kapalai Island, Sabah) - What is penetration? … Oh, you mean it’s salah ar, to do that? Ai yah, since they love each other, just let them penetrate lah. Doesn’t hurt you right??

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A portrait of Bendera’s charismatic leader

Cult leader vows that announced hostilities will still take place, just not this week. Or the next.

(TPT) – JAKARTA: There is no more controversial issue in the blogosphere right now than the on-again, off-again ‘Ganyang’ invasion of Malaysia proposed by an Indonesian militant group calling for retribution (in particular, violent death) against Malaysians for various grievances, including the unlawful misappropriation of culture. In this exclusive, our undercover reporter, who had been seconded to us by Kor Risik DiRaja and who is staying alive by sheer wit and the aid of Australian permanent residency papers which lists his / her country of birth as ‘Indonesia,’ gives us a behind-the-scenes look into the radical and delusional fringe movement that is causing an uproar and exacerbating relations between the two peace-loving countries.

Mustar Bonaventura, leader of the amateur terrorist group Benteng Demokrasi Rakyat (Bendera) that had earlier proclaimed a date of 8 Oct for its planned assault of Malaysian soil said that numerous factors have contributed to a delay in the group’s original invasion blueprint. However, he assured his followers in a closed-door speech over the weekend that the ‘Ganyang’ invasion was still on track and set to take place at a time of his choosing. In this report, we bring you highlights of his speech.

“Fellow countrymen, patriots, comrades, brothers and sisters in the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the Malingsian brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas who are doing their best to disrupt the daily lives of their Malingsian employers!

“On behalf of the Bendera Movement, I greet you and congratulate you on your achievements in progressing towards our ultimate goal of invading Malingsia to punish them for their appalling deeds!

“Comrades! Today as we carry out our individual responsibilities towards this greater cause, we do so in difficult conditions. The Malingsians’ treacherous increase in security and the war that they forced upon us have created a threat to our ultimate goal. We have temporarily lost a number of agents, and the enemy has posed a determined front to resist our upcoming invasion.

A rabid supporter of the Bendera movement shows why she means business.

“Comrades! Fear not the determination of Malingsia! Our brave men and women guerrillas are doing their best to prepare the ground for our glorious invasion. They are indoctrinating Malingsians’ children while posing as domestic workers. They are sabotaging construction of key installations with black magic so that these installations will crumble to dust at the wimp of our bomoh troop. They are whipping up delicious food in restaurants so that on D-Day they can poison their Malingsian patrons with dysentery.

“Comrades! Just as our brothers and sisters are relentless in their endeavours behind enemy lines, we too should not neglect our responsibilities towards them. There can be no greater reward for our brothers and sisters in Malingsia than a successful invasion!

“Comrades! Some of you may listen to the enemy’s broadcasts or stumble across propagandist blogs and you may wonder if Bendera was fully committed to its cause. You may feel that the invasion date has been put off for far too many times, and you wonder if Bendera was all talk and no action. Rest assured comrades! Planning and preparation for our ultimate goal is still underway! The dates 8 Oktober and 9 Oktober were set to deceive the enemy, not actual dates. The real date is up here. In my brain. Only I know when the invasion will take place, and everybody else can keep guessing. Every day that we don’t invade are days that we exhaust the enemy from searching the jungles for us. Eventually they will cave in to fatigue and make our job easier for us!

“Comrades! There exists another reason for the delay of our ultimate goal! I have received daily reports from our training section as well as our logistics section. The picture painted by these reports is grim, and shows that we have not been doing our best to prepare for our ultimate goal. We need to speed up the training of archers, cavalry, ninja, militia and bomoh troop! We need to speed up production of busur for our archers! Keris and pedang for our cavalry! Katana for our ninja special forces! Polong to serve at the beck and call of our bomoh troop! Last but not least, we need more landing sampan for our invasion!

“Comrades! There are delays in the planning and preparation phases of our ultimate goal! Some of them are deliberate, while others are issues that will have to be dealt with in order to ensure the success of our invasion! I ask now for everyone’s cooperation, to do our parts for our ultimate goal!

“Fellow countrymen, patriots, comrades, brothers and sisters in the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the Malingsian brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas who are doing their best to disrupt the daily lives of their Malingsian employers!

“The whole world is looking to you as a force capable of destroying the brigand hordes of Malingsians! The enslaved foreign workers of Malingsia under the yoke of the Malingsian slave-drivers are looking to you as their liberators! A great mission of liberation has fallen to your lot!

“Be worthy of this mission! The war you are waging is a war of liberation and justice, a just war! Let the victorious banner of Bendera fly over your heads!

“Utter destruction to the Malingsia brigands!

“Death to the Malingsia slave-drivers!

“Long live our glorious motherland, her freedom, her independence and her culture!

“Under the banner of Bendera – onward to victory!”

More Petai coverage of the much-delayed ‘Ganyang’ invasion can be found here

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJBEI15F6Yw&feature=related

(TPT) Kelantan – Several Umno leaders have expressed regret over the statement “Pergi Jahanamlah Umno” (Go to Hell, Umno) by PAS Spiritual Leader Datuk Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat because it came from a political leader who was not only a religious scholar but also a “tuan guru” (respected teacher). We ask Malaysians on their opinion of this story.

Romi Musa, 46 (Labuan)

- “Maybe what Tok Guru meant was pergi jambanlah (toilet) UMNO. Sometimes those UMNO leaders like to talk sh*t so he was just directing them to the right place. ”

Wong Tua Kee, 21 (Kuching, Sarawak)

- “I heard hor that many of these UMNO politicians are very rich – maybe I should prepare to sell more of the hell banknotes – I’m sure they are also want to make sure that they are rich in hell”

S. Nagaratnam, 42 (Sungai Petani, Kedah)

“But I am already living in hell. I have got no job, no money, no house and no MyKad. Maybe Tok Guru should just say pergi kampung India di Malaysialah UMNO. ”

Johari Taib, 18 (Mukah, Sarawak)

- “What the hell?”

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Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak offers to use Malaysian Maritime Enforcement Agency’s Amfibi Bombardier CL415 to carry out water bombing and help Indonesia put out its forest fires. We ask Malaysians on their opinion of this story

Ahmad Zakaria, 28 (Rembau, Negeri Sembilan) - “Yes my company was awarded a RM3 million contract to put out the forest fires but as we have no planes or trained personnel, we welcome the government’s efforts.”

Alex Lim, 25 (Nilam Puri, Kelantan) - “I hope we charge them more than 3 sen per gallon.”

Z. Sathyaseelan, 77 (Santan, Perlis) “I thought relations are getting worse. We better ask for permission first if not they might shoot our plane down.”

Abdul Sitawak, 12 (Bintulu, Sarawak) - “Bomb them back to Stone Age, I have enough of those Indons coming in and stealing our camp fires.”

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