KUALA LUMPUR , Dec 24 (TPT) – Drastic action will be taken against anyone convicted of committing treasonous acts against the state, Defence Minister Datuk Seri Ahmad Zahid Hamidi said during an emergency meeting with the Armed Forces Chiefs this morning. This may or may not include the summary trial and execution of traitors found guilty of mishandling or selling state property to commercial or sovereign interests.
“We must purge those found guilty of treason or negligence from our armed forces. Ministry of Defence employees and servicemen will be processed by a military tribunal and those convicted of crimes with malicious or monetary intent will be executed by firing squad, while the negligent will be detained for up to 80 years in the Gulag – err I mean Kamunting.”
Datuk Seri Zahid called for the emergency session at Wisma Pertahanan after it emerged that a copy of the Ministry of Defence’s war plans had been found on sale on Ebay. The Petai understands that a listing on Ebay.com.my had been started by the seller “rosmahismyqueen” which portends to sell photocopies of the sensitive papers, and that these have been bought anonymously for a very reasonable price of RM 9.99, while their contents have subsequently been made available on the public domain through Wikipedia.
“This is a grave breach of security and a major embarrassment to Malaysia. We have become a laughing stock in ASEAN as a result of this act of treason. Now everyone knows about our contingency plans and a lot of man-hours will be wasted on re-drafting the plans again,” lamented an exasperated Datuk Seri Zahid.
According to the Petai’s foreign correspondence teams from across ASEAN, a collective howl of laughter could be heard from regional defence ministries after it was learnt that the Malaysian Armed Forces’ war plans called for a simultaneous pre-emptive invasion of neighboring threats.
“Oh you Malaysians are priceless! Taking the whole of Kalimantan? Who would’ve thought it possible!” stuttered a source between sobs of laughter who wanted to be known only as “PY”.
“Yeah right, as if driving up to Bangkok from Kedah is a cakewalk!” exclaimed a “PW”.
According to Datuk Seri Zahid, cost saving measures will be put in place during the witch hunt for traitors. These include having mass trials before kangaroo courts to save on legal costs, having condemned prisoners dig their own graves prior to their execution to save on undertakers’ fees, and placing Kamunting detainees on forced labor details to earn their keep. Executioners will also be subject to KPI requirements to ensure their efficiency as they carry out their grim duties.
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