WISMA PERTAHANAN, Feb 17 – The Malaysian Armed Forces has announced another innovation to add to its arsenal of fearsome weapons, including a submarine that cannot dive and an airplane that cannot fly, that it plans to deploy against foreign aggressors.

“Just like the submarine, the tank is a psychological weapon as much as it is a weapons platform. The mere presence of a submarine is enough to drive panic into the enemy’s navy, and likewise, the presence of a tank is enough to scatter the enemy’s infantry,” said a flustered Defence Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi who had been responding to queries regarding a flaw in the engines of Malaysia’s PT-91M main battle tank that rendered it immobile.

“The problems with the engines of our PT-91M is nothing to worry about. It is not totally immobile because of this. We can still move our tanks atop tank carriers specially modified from container trucks.

“Our Army has found it necessary to make adjustments to our fighting techniques in light of this situation, and these adjustments have been found to be satisfactory.”

When pressed for details on the adjustments, Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad could not elaborate further, reasoning that doing so contravened national security concerns. He would only allow that tank crews have been instructed to hold fast onto their positions in the face of enemy fire and to fight to the very end. The Petai feels that this is not a very challenging prospect given that the tanks themselves are immobile.

JOHOR BARU, Feb 13 – Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi has the following message for renowned rogue Datuk Seri Zahrain Mohamed Hashim:

“You belong to the dark side. Search your feelings young one. Feel it in the Force. You know it to be true. Join us, and together we shall end the rebellion and bring order to this galaxy.

“The Emperor has long foreseen this, and preparations are underway for your welcome. We have been waiting for this. Soon, the rebellion will be no more.”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also lamented the weakness in dark side leadership in the intervening years since the fall of Darth Sidious.

“The chosen successor to Lord Sidious had been ineffective and had a tendency to let Dark side affairs go astray with animal spirits. He also had a peculiar disposition for losing himself in his thoughts while deliberating on important affairs of the Empire. Fortuitously for us, he was deposed by a True Sith who now graces the throne. What we need now is another to take the role of apprentice, so that the Rule of Two shall once again be fulfilled as it was ordered in Darth Bane’s commandment in antiquity: ‘Two there should be; no more, no less. One to embody power, the other to crave it.’

“However, too many millennia of inbreeding have left the dark side unable to produce a heir capable of usurping power from his master should the current Emperor grow too weak to continue his ascendancy. We need new blood. New blood like Datuk Seri Zahrain and Tan Tee Beng who will reinvigorate the dark side with their ambition, their fear, their anger, their hate, their thirst for victory.”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also distributed pamphlets bearing what he dubbed “tenets of power.” The Petai has reproduced its content below:

Peace is a lie; there is only passion.

Through passion, I gain strength.

Through strength, I gain power.

Through power, I gain victory.

Through victory, my chains are broken.

The Force shall free me.

- The Sith Code

In other news, Tan Tee Beng had repeatedly denied he was planning to join the dark side, explaining that his allegiance was with the Republic for now, but that he felt it was his responsibility to jointly manage the stay-behind operation against the tyranny of the majority with fellow collaborator Zulkifli Noordin.

WISMA PERTAHANAN, Feb 8 – A ‘tired and emotional’ Defence Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi assured Malaysians that his ministry was doing everything it could to prevent a recurrence of leakages of national secrets to foreign countries.

“Fortunately for Malaysia, we have a ‘lean and mean’ intelligence team that managed to nab the culprits before too much damage was done.

We are examining security at all levels in the ministry and are putting in place measures to remedy the situation. We may be ‘a day late and a dollar short,’ but it’s ‘better to be late than never.’”

One of the measures proposed by Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad to combat the ‘cloak and dagger’ international arena was the installation of a hall of mirrors and a smoke generator in his office.

“Essentially we are employing a ‘smoke and mirrors’ strategy against would-be enemies. I can guarantee you that foreign agents who enter my office with the intent of stealing our secrets will be caught in a situation of ‘between the devil and the deep blue sea.’

There is no where for them to run or hide in this game of ‘cat and mouse.’ We will catch them and we will crush them. There is no room for errors, and there can only be ‘the quick and the dead’ when ‘all is said and done.’”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also noted that it was important to react firmly to this latest crisis embroiling the Defence Ministry as security issues were its ‘bread and butter,’ and that this crisis was ‘one too many’ in the wake of the theft of the Air Force’s F-5 jet engines.

As for the foreign agents who were ‘caught with their fingers in the cookie jar,’ he said that the Malaysian government has decided to practice a policy of ‘live and let live,’ but that his ministry would ‘take no prisoners’ in its treatment of similar cases in the future.

“I have this message to foreign agents who think they can outsmart us: ‘fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’”

The Petai notes that Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad had been punctuating his press conference with plenty of air quotes, and that military men in the room have been struggling to keep a straight face.