Bayan Baru MP Datuk Seri Zahrain Hashim recently announced that he is leaving Parti Keadilan Rakyat (PKR). This piece of news had caused mixed reactions among his peers.

While PKR adviser Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim is reportedly very upset at Zahrain’s decision and was seen crying into his hanky, the reactions of others are more calm.

PKR deputy president Dr Syed Husin Ali shares none of Anwar’s sentiments and actually felt relieved that the little man has left. He said Zahrain had finally done something good for the party – by leaving it.

DAP chairman Karpal Singh said Zahrain’s departure was not a loss to Pakatan Rakyat. “He is not a giant of a politician, more like a dwarf. He should join a group that fits his stature.”

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak agreed and said he was not surprised that Zahrain could not play the game anymore and wanted out. “It is hard for the little Zahrain to survive in the political arena, which is why Malaysia needs big and bold people!”

Not all were negative reactions as former PKR youth chief Mohamad Ezam Mohd Nor heaped praise on Zahrain. Describing Zahrain as a matured man with sharp observation skills, Ezam praised Zahrain for his honesty and courage in facing his own limits. He believed that Zahrain finally saw that he had overstretched and decided that quitting the party was the best option.

KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 19 – Throughout the day, the city had been held hostage by protesters protesting against the unfair decision to protest only against the Australians that had been made by UMNO Youth / Pemuda unilaterally without consulting its wholly unaffiliated protesting partners Perkasa, the Barisan National Backbenchers Club, Makkal Sakhthi and MIC Youth.

It is understood that the counter-protests and subsequent counter-counter-protests erupted somewhere along the line after an announcement that Pemuda would protest against the Australians, but not the Americans, citing technical differences which the mobs subsequently forgot in the heat of debate. The Petai also understands that originally the protests had been over a protest note lodged by 50 Australian MPs with the Malaysian High Commission in Canberra over the sodomy trial of de facto opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, which had been described as being both fair and unfair all at the same time by protesters, depending on who you talk to and at what time of the day.

The city of Kuala Lumpur, having been deserted since the week before as workers left the city to celebrate the Chinese New Year holidays, became a battleground for a myriad of protesters from all walks of life.

“Oh I’m not here for the protests. I’m only here to enjoy the wayang kulit,” commented a Chinese Malaysian who gave his name as Kong Fuu Yan. “I’m still on leave actually – it’s not everyday I get to see this side of KL. It’s a festive atmosphere that you have to experience to understand.”

“My mates and I heard the bandits were sacking Aussie property, and we mustered up what men we could after we found out your guys weren’t doing the same thing to the Yanks. Talk about blatant racism! We ‘ave to let ‘em know you don’t mess with Aussies  without getting bitten back! Besides, it’s been a blast with plenty of beer and a barbie…” stuttered a staggering drunkard who was part of a group of rowdy Caucasians who had set up an encampment outside Wisma Putra.

Meanwhile, Perkasa had moved its mobile headquarters (supposedly a dilapidated minivan sequestered from some poor street hawker) to below Pemuda’s headquarters at Jalan Tun Ismail from its earlier location outside the Australian High Commission, and had redeployed its fearsome protest machinery against Pemuda, only to be faced by a protesting Khairy Jamaluddin who insist the decision to not protest against the Americans was not his, and that they were made by a ‘higher up’ who thought American relations were too important to be risked.

In other news, the United States Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had been incensed when she found out President Barack Obama was planning to send her husband Bill as a special envoy to Malaysia to raise American objections against the country’s selective protests against one country but not the others.

“My husband is not the Secretary of State. I am. I will decide who gets to go on overseas missions, and Bill is definitely not out of the dog house yet. Barack needs to have a word with me, and I will give him a piece of my mind, just like how I will give Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib a piece of my mind.

“I heard Datin Rosmah is a fearsome woman. But I’m pretty sure a woman can handle her.”

WISMA PUTRA, Feb 17 – Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak had earlier tasked Wisma Putra to explain the facts pertaining to Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s sodomy case to Australian lawmakers so that they would get a clearer picture of the case. He had done so in the belief that these lawmakers probably did not know the real situation and were acting out according to misguided perceptions and heated passions. The Petai has, with no small difficulty, obtained a very early draft of a speech prepared by Wisma Putra that would be delivered by Foreign Minister Datuk Anifah Aman to Capital Hill, Canberra. The words of the draft, incompletely corrected and edited, can be found below:

Her Excellency the Governor-General

The Honourable Prime Minister

Distinguished Ministers, Senators and House Representatives

G’day mates!

I come here today to talk to you about a pressing issue that has driven a rift between our two great nations. It is actually a non-issue, for I feel relations between our countries, which have never been better, have stood the test of time and will stand this latest test.

Some people from the Australian Labour Party have lied a misperception that Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim has been unfairly persecuted by the Malaysian government for his political beliefs. This is a lie incorrect on two fronts. Firstly, there has never been any persecution of any sort by the Malaysian government. It is always the judiciary who is doing the persecution prosecution. Secondly, my government disagrees that Datuk Seri Anwar has any political beliefs that are beneficial to the country. Rather, his only belief is that he will gain self-satisfaction support from seducing young aides by appealing to public sympathy.

The courts of Malaysia have evidence to suggest that Datuk Seri Anwar has unlawfully penetrated the arse of sodomised a male aide. This is treated as a criminal case, and I am therefore not allowed to deliberate further, for fear of affecting the case’s outcome.

Mates, why let a wanker an indicted criminal destroy relations between us? Is our long-cultivated friendship really worth lesser than a pansy? Let the law deal with him and his perversions. Speaking for myself, I find the whole notion of homosexuality unnatural and detestable, as I’m sure many of you may agree. Those of you who are queers yourself may also find it uncomfortable that a queer has made his sexuality such a public issue. Like Americans, you would also feel a policy of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is more befitting of your unfortunate situation.

We ask therefore that you leave our legal systems alone and cease the lies that you are propagating in your newspapers, or we shall take drastic measures to ensure our sheep citizens do not get influenced by the rhetoric in your press.

I hereby express Malaysia’s sincere hope of continuing our relations beyond this temporary obstacle, and thank you for giving us your time in listening to our story.

KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 8 – The masterminds behind Friday’s protest against the trial of the de facto leader of an imploding Opposition Coalition have declared the event a success, despite an abysmal turnout of a little over 30 participants, most of whom had been party cadres.

“What do you mean ‘if we are satisfied about the turnout’? Today’s turnout is great! This is just the beginning of a new lineup of events we have planned to free our leader,” replied Tian Chua, the party’s Communications Czar, in response to a question from a reporter.

He also dismissed another reporter when she remarked that the protest, which took place outside the Federal Territory Mosque, lasted a mere 10 minutes before participants retired to a nearby mamak stall to wrap up the event with rounds of teh tarik.

“We ended early because we found out the case was adjourned to Monday. We needed to conserve our energy as this is a long and grueling battle for truth, justice and the Malaysian way. The future is being fought over in this trial, and it is important that we ration our resources so that we do not succumb to fatigue like the evil UMNOputras want us to.”

The Czar also revealed that Monday will see another round of protest, and that reinforcements will be bussed in from outside Selangor, as ‘city people are just too apathetic.’

Update on 8/2: Since the case had been adjourned indefinitely after the Opposition Leader’s legal team moved to dismiss the judge, the Petai understands that the planned protests had been called off and in its absence the Coalition will be hosting muck-slinging matches to accommodate its infighting members. One wonders if there is still a Coalition left for the Leader to lead should he ever get out of his legal mess.

Kuala Lumpur: Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s sodomy charge cannot stand as medical reports do not suggest that there was any penetration, the High Court heard yesterday. We ask Malaysians on their opinion of this story.

Fadzil Kamarudin, 42 (Lipis, Pahang) - No penetration?? How come?? You mean Saiful planned everything so painstakingly but he forgot to penetrate himself? Alamak, how, like that? Is it too late to do it now?

Lim Tua Tao, 26(Kerian, Perak) - I don’t care whether got penetrate or not. I don’t care whether Anwar is gay or not. I will support anyone who remembers that we cina are Malaysians too! If Anwar wants my backside, I will give it to him! If Anwar wants me to penetrate him, I’ll do just that!! I sacrifice for my bangsa cina!!!

Ekagrah Sulek, 65 (Sungai Pelek, Selangor) - Oi, give him chance lah, maybe he really can’t help it. If Anwar can save our temples, I don’t really care whoever or whatever he penetrates in his free time.

Sheridan Maksak, 81 (Kapalai Island, Sabah) - What is penetration? … Oh, you mean it’s salah ar, to do that? Ai yah, since they love each other, just let them penetrate lah. Doesn’t hurt you right??