In an impromptu drinking session with the press, Penang Chief Minister voiced grievances over Pakatan Rakyat, amongst other matters

(TPT) – GEORGETOWN: Penang Chief Minister and DAP chief Lim Guan Eng did the unthinkable during a press conference when he suddenly pulled out a carton of Tiger beer and requested reporters to join him in a drink, adding that the drinks were on the house since they had been given as free samples by Guinness Anchor Bhd (http://www.gab.com.my/) who were intending to be appointed the official beverage supplier to the proposed tiger park.

“Drink, drink. Don’t be shy. I won’t hold myself back. I’m celebrating my victory today,” slurred a slightly tipsy Lim, who was sporting bruises around his jaw line and a hastily-concealed black eye covered imperfectly by foundation.

When asked what he was celebrating, Lim had replied that he had just scored a point for the DAP on the Pakatan Rakyat (PR) front.

“Anwar, Syed, Zahrain and Choo Keong had me cornered in a back alley off Anwar’s usual haunt around Lorong Love late last night to confront me over what I had said to the press the past few weeks over the DCM 1 issue. Heng heng Tony responded to my SOS call earlier and arrived on time to save the day.”

Dato’ Seri Anwar Ibrahim is the PR de-facto leader, Dr Syed Husin is the PKR deputy president, Datuk Zahrain Mohamed Hashim is the Penang PKR chief, while Wee Choo Keong is a PKR supreme council member. Tony Pua is DAP’s national publicity secretary.

“We slugged it out with the thugs, and it wasn’t easy getting them to see our point. We took a lot of flak for it, as you can see,” Lim continued as he pointed to his injuries.

“We did it, Tony and I. We finally showed ‘em who was the big boss of Penang. We were a great team, Tony and I…*hic*

“Faced with our superior firepower, the PKR thugs finally agreed to put up and shut up. Also we forced them to make a few concessions along the way. For example, the biggest concession we got was that they will finally name a new DCM 1 candidate to replace the one that they quietly pulled away from my state government on the sly.

“I’m so elated to be finally scoring points against PKR. You have no idea how much humiliation I had to put up with from my father and Kapal. They were practically laughing at me behind my back when I was left out in the cold in the decision to make Fairus resign.”

Lim’s father is DAP stalwart and former chairman Lim Kit Siang, while Kapal Singh is the current DAP chairman. Mohamad Fairus Khairuddin is the former Deputy Chief Minister 1 of Penang.

“A lot of people think that being Chief Minister is a great achievement. What they don’t realize is how hard and uncomfortable the job is. I’m always being dogged by the opposition BN on the DCM issue, and they are always asking me questions that I can’t answer. Like “why did Fairus resign” or “why must a Malay from PKR be the DCM 1 and not a person with the most merit, regardless of race.” My friends, I also want to know the answers to those questions.”

Lim also ranted about the privileges given to the Penang Chief Minister’s office.

“You didn’t hear me complain, but the car and residence given to me were horrible man! I mean the first day I entered the house there were cockroaches infesting the place! And such gaudy renovations left behind by the last occupant! Like something out of a bad 1980s gangster movie…”

Umno Deputy President and boxer wannabe Tan Sri Muhammad Muhammad Taib fights allegations of incompetence and inadequacies

(TPT) – KUALA LUMPUR: The underdog in the race for the Umno Vice Presidency, Tan Sri Muhammad Muhammad Taib, has announced that he will be appearing in a special episode of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” to silence detractors who question his ability to become the second most powerful person in the country.  Tan Sri Muhammad, who was at a time called “Mike Tyson” by supporters before he relinquished his buzz haircut and invincibility to political opponents, said this would show Umno party stalwarts his ability to answer tough questions, and, most of all, demonstrate his fluency in English.

“Some people say that I can’t write or speak in English. That is an utter falsehood! These lies are spread about by certain parties who want their blue eye boy to become the next Deputy Prime Minister. I want to say to these parties that they should be wary lest their choice backfire on them. Just as their choice had backfired the last time round,” Tan Sri Muhammad told reporters in a thinly veiled sarcasm. Traditionally, the Umno Vice President is also the Deputy Prime Minister.

“I want to state for the record that my greatest asset is my loyalty, and if I were to become DPM, I would do all I can to help the future PM cut off the strings attached to his limbs and body by certain parties.”

Tan Sri Muhammad added that he had had an English education for as long as he could remember, and that he was better qualified than the other race contender.

“Once upon a time before 1970, the Malays were able to master the language. I was one of the products. I studied in Sabak Bernam with 99% Malays in my school and I could master English. I passed all my school examinations in English. London Cambridge Examinations, Malaysian Cambridge Examinations, you name it I have passed it. Don’t forget that I am the only Malay in my batch who graduated from Universiti Malaya with a first-class honours in History.

“Last June I’ve went even further to proof that I am 100% anglified! I took both the TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) and the SAT (Scholastic Assessment Test) and passed both with flying colours!”

When told by reporters that “anglified” was not a proper word, Tan Sri Muhammad dismissed them.

“If George Bush can invent a word like “misunderestimated” I don’t see why I can’t come out with my own words too.”

Tan Sri Muhammad also revealed that the episode of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” will be hosted by Asha Gill and will have a grand prize of A$1.2 million. He added that any winnings would be donated to selected charities

Soon-to-be PM Najib announces he will join with Mahathir to take on Abdullah / Anwar

(TPT) – PUTRAJAYA: Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak announced this morning in a joint conference that he will be tag-teaming with former Prime Minister Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad and will officially throw down a challenge to Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Badawi and PKR de facto leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim to appear in a regulated match on the World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) network.

When asked for the reason for this sudden decision, DPM Najib replied that the match will bring economic benefits to Malaysia, much as the decision to bring Formula 1 racing to Malaysia had put Sepang on the international events calendar. He also stressed that the wrestling match was in no way related to the lunch that PM Abdullah had shared with Datuk Seri Anwar on Tuesday in Hulu Langat, Selangor, as part of the Maulid Rashul (Prophet Muhammad’s birthday) celebrations.

“I know some people will say that this match is in retaliation for the lunch in Hulu Langat.

“While I feel saddened that the Prime Minister has decided on a policy of rapprochement with regards to the Anwar clique, and while I will not say that I do not feel spurned by the fact that I was not invited, what I do know is that this match is an essential part of the stimulus package that my ministry has come up with to fight this recession,” said DPM Najib, while emphasizing the word “fight.” The DPM is also the Minister of Finance.

Also present were DPM Najib’s teammate Tun Dr Mahathir and WWE chairman Vince McMahon, who put on a supportive front throughout the conference.

“I want to say that I’m grateful to the Deputy Prime Minister for giving the WWE an opportunity to expand into Asia,” drawled McMahon. “Certainly the beautiful country of Malaysia is known for mud-slinging that is increasingly commonplace since March 2008, and this gives us plenty of recruitment possibilities for colorful participants that are necessary for our kind of entertainment.

“We’ve had discussions with the Malaysian authorities and we agree that if this exhibition match turns out to be a crowd pleaser, we will set up a permanent venue outside the Dewan Rakyat where contestants, fresh from exasperating sessions at the Dewan, can vent their frustrations at each other in the arena. You could be looking at matches such as Karpal “The Lion” Singh vs. “The UMNO Punks” Ungku Mat Salleh and Megat Zulkamain Omardin. We are planning to call this venture World Wrestling Malaysian Maniacs (W2M2) and I’m sure it’ll awe anyone in the region who tunes in to this show.”

Tun Dr Mahathir “Old Horse” Mohamad noted that he was happy to assist his former protégé DPM Najib and that he was looking forward to the match. “I’ve been working out more often now, and I’m preparing some moves that just might surprise you. It will be great to step into the ring with Anwar again and try out my “Sodomy Piledriver”.”

The DPM revealed he will assume the stage name “The Prince of Darkness,” but has kept silent on what his specialty moves will be. According to our sources, a lot of noises could be heard outside his residence in the wee hours of the morning, and this led our correspondent to speculate that his trainer could be none other than the former Women’s World Heavyweight champion Rosmah. Whether the noises were made by the DPM or Rosmah could not be discerned.