SIBU, May 17 – First it had been campaign billboards with not-so-subtle hints that electing a DAP representative would mean the end of kampua mee as locals know it. Then came the rebuttal from DAP candidate Wong Ho Leng (while tucking into a plate of the delicacy) that he was committed to defending the “Sibu way of life” and that his family loves kampua mee. We assume, of course, that Wong meant that the Sibu way of life equates to non-halal kampua mee and that non-halal kampua mee equates to the very heart of Sibu.

Now it seems both sides are slugging or, dare we say, pigging it out to convince voters that they can keep their favorite foods once the dust settles and Sibu returns to its quiet normalcy.

“Sibu voters are smart enough to know that a vote for me is a vote for kompia done right,” proclaimed SUPP candidate Robert Lau Hui Yew as he demolished a stack of the pastries stuffed with savory meat filling.

“With SUPP, you may keep your kueh cap, but will you enjoy it? DAP will ensure the portions stay the same and your stomach stay satisfactorily full,” trumpeted DAP campaign director Chong Chieng Jen who helped himself to heaps of pig offals braised in dark sauce.

Even independent Narawi Haron is getting into the act by endorsing a chikuteh joint.

“As someone who is half Malay and half Chinese, I’m very disappointed in Barisan and Pakatan for espousing subliminally discriminatory messages. What’s wrong with the taste of halal kampua mee? It doesn’t matter what the ‘proper’ taste of food is so long as people like it.”

“Vote Barisan Nasional,” Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak told Hulu Selangor constituents. “Don’t worry about who is the candidate, whether he is clean or trustworthy. You should just worry about whether he is from Barisan.”

Najib explained that rather than focusing on the person, the voters should look at the party, like when one goes shopping at the departmental store. When his wife, Datin Rosmah Mansor, goes shopping, she will buy a Birkin handbag but not a pasar malam handbag. In reality, both are handbags and both look similar and both serve the same purpose. But Rosmah would go for the well-known and trusted brand.

Like the handbag, Barisan Nasional is also a well-known and trusted brand. It’s consistency over the years has made the party what it is today. “Vote for the brand,” urged Najib. “The candidate can be an idiot or orang gila, it doesn’t matter. As long as you vote for Barisan, you’re voting for quality.”

CHERAS, Apr 05 – Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein assures the public that the Hulu Selangor by-election will be free from unruliness and that he personally guaranteed that the event will be carried out responsibly.

“Due to the high stakes involved and the importance attached to this district, the Home Ministry will be extra vigilant to ensure people do not take matters into their own hands.”

“Instead, FRU (Federal Reserve Unit) and UTK (Special Action Team) will take this matter into their responsible hands by means of a special deployment to protect voters from intimidation and to ensure that they vote responsibly. Hulu Selangor residents should know what I mean,” Datuk Seri Hishammuddin said ominously while giving a wink to reporters at a press session held after a shooting test at PDRM’s General Operations Force Central Brigade headquarters in Cheras yesterday.

The Home Minister then went into a long-winded tirade of sorts, touching on seemingly unrelated issues such as responsible driving, responsible spending, and responsible care for the aged and the under-aged. Brandishing a PDRM Walther P99 service pistol and gesturing excitedly with it (causing some reporters to wince just like when he once wielded the keris Panca Warisan when he was Chief of UMNO Youth), he also talked about how responsible voting is synonymous with responsible usage of firearms.

“Say if I were to put a live round into this pistol, cock it and mistakenly fire at a passerby. Not only would I be held responsible for a crime, but I would forever live in remorse of my mistake. Similarly, we advise Hulu Selangor constituents to choose responsibly in this by-election. Make sure you can sleep soundly with your decision.”

The Home Minister dismissed accusations that he was trying to assert undue influence over the upcoming by-election.

“I’m just fulfilling my responsibility as Home Minister to ensure there is law and order in this country.”

Fear strikes the hearts of Perak State Assemblymen entering the state assembly; Nizar calls it “an insult to democratic principles and processes”.

DEWAN RAKYAT, Tues Mar 30 – Former Perak Menteri Besar Mohammad Nizar Jamaluddin spoke nervously to The Petai after the state assembly sitting this morning in Ipoh, clearly traumatized by the experience during the morning’s events Police personnel were standing “in a threatening manner” and clearly blocking the way for a number of Perak Assemblymen who were anxious to get into the state assembly to get a good seat. Dr. Zambry Abdul Kadir was also asked by The Petai on how he felt about the atmospherics in the first sitting following the Federal Court ruling confirming his appointment as Perak Menteri Besar.

“I think it is impossible to hold our sitting under such circumstances, it was like when I was a little boy watching Sumpah Pontianak and the Pontianak was just about to creep into room… I cannot be making important policy decisions if I spend half the time covering my eyes” said Nizar. “How can we say that the proceedings are democratic if every time an Assemblyman was to go to the toilet, at least three other Assemblymen would have to accompany him because he is scared.”

“It feels distinctly evil, I felt a strong presence of danger and when I turned my head… I think I saw something running from the corner of the chambers.” Dr. Zambry recounted what he had felt with chills running down his spine.

The Royal Malaysian Police were out in full strength, including members of the elite Special (Ghostbusters) Branch who on all fours trying to narrow down the sources of fear that had spread through Perak’s highest legislative council. ASP Osman Hashim shared that the police were looking closely at the matter and if need be would use “all means necessary, including the ISA” when they locate the source of evil.

Lim Ah Tee, a Batu Gajah resident who was seen near the site, commented that he was distinctly spooked by the sight of so many Police Officers standing around the Perak State Assembly building.

“I read that most of the police will be deployed to Ipoh for the State Assembly sitting so I thought it might be safer to go there too since there will be very few policemen left to patrol the streets of Batu Gajah”.

Even with the overwhelming presence of Police Officers in the building, other State Assemblymen were quoted as being “frightened” and “worried”. Hee Yit Foong, an independent State Assemblywoman stated the only time she felt more scared was when crowds were calling for her to quit her seat after resigning from the DAP.

Indeed, the sense of fear continued even as the sitting commenced. When everybody was told to sit down and get ready for the royal address, there was only one Speaker of the House but two very different voices were heard calling the sitting to order. It turned out the Speaker of the House had split into two and possessed two people; V. Sivakumar (DAP-Tronoh) and Datuk R.Ganesan (MIC). With both Speakers shouting at each other to vacate the position, the sitting was soon disrupted.

Timeline: Perak State Assembly – Climate of Fear
0900H	Independent assemblymen Jamaluddin Mohd Radzi and Mohd Osman Jailu arrive at the State Assembly carpark in a Mercedes Benz car driven by Jamaluddin. Both Jamaluddin and Mohd Osman both have black eyes, evidenced by their inability to get enough sleep because of fear.
0910H	Three teams of Special (Ghostbuster) Branch officers gather outside the gates clad in their distinct blue uniform and red protective helmets. Apparently research has shown that Fear “fears” such a combination of colours.
0920H	Ten minutes to go to the opening of the sitting and the two possessed bodies (V.Sivakumar and R.Ganesan) of the Perak State Assembly Speaker are seen quarrelling with one another in the Speaker robes just inside the gates. Former menteri besar Mohammad Nizar Jamaludding covers his eyes at the sight of the commotion.
0943H	Hee Yit Foong takes her seat and is accompanied by seven attentive SB officers who hold up their shields in unison; as she is the Deputy Speaker – there are fears that she might suffer the same affliction affecting Sivakumar and Ganesan.
1000H	The Speaker calls for the commencement – but two voices heard. Dr. Zambry Abdul Kadir is seen shivering in fear as he thinks that the voices are coming from inside his head.
1029H	Thomas Su (DAP Assemblyman) felt someone tapping on his shoulder but when he turns… he sees nobody.
1034H	Saiful Adli Mohd Arshad (UMNO Perak State Youth Chief) denies tapping on Thomas Su. He lodges a police report at that accusation and sues for RM 100 million and threatens Thomas with a MACC investigation.
1109H	Four State Assemblymen go to the toilet together. One comes back and reports a leaking tap somewhere in the house but they can’t find the source.
1200H	SB (G) officers lined up in anti-fear formation in front of locals who are grouping outside the Assembly building to take a peek. Two potential sources of fear were set upon and beaten but both cases turned out to be false alarms. Twenty of the locals were brought into custody for further questioning as they seemed “a little fearful”.
1345H	Tear gas unleashed on possible sources of fear around the State Assembly. The Police believe that tear gas have the ability to disperse fear and lobs it as much as possible. Water cannons were not used as there were “not enough fear” to warrant such methods.
1459H	A much postponed Opening Address sees appearance of a mysterious short green man with pointy ears who warns against Fear: “Fear is the path to the dark side, Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to hate, Hate leads to suffering”. Pandemonium breaks out at the backbenchers.
1548H	A wrestling match occurs with Assemblymen from both BN and Pakatan Rakyat hitting each other to drive “the fear out of each other”. Such unity across party lines and efforts to help each other has seldom been seen in any Malaysian legislative assemblies.
1623H	Policemen also joined into the melee in order to help restore calmness. Pakatan Rakyat Assemblymen are dealt with more strongly as ASP Osman Hashim sensed that “there is much fear in them”.
1700H	BN and Pakatan Rakyat Assemblymen hold separate sittings within the State Assembly building. An eerie sense of calmness reigned at the separate sittings. Nobody shouted at each other anymore and everyone seemed more relaxed.

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It’s a brave new world…

KUALA LUMPUR , Dec 18 (TPT) – Malaysian Prime Minister’s wife Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor will be hosting “The Biggest Malaysian Loser” next year. This show will be quite different from what we have witnessed on our television. Rosmah will be gathering a number of cabinet ministers and will have a series of events like a general quiz, on the spot question, do you know your Malaysia questions etc for them.  There will be a round robin initially, after which they would be paired up where the elimination round would start.

The rules are quite simple (so that our ministers can follow and understand), one point would be awarded for one correct answer and no points for wrong answer. They cannot look to the Prime Minister for help or divert attention by blaming the opposition for some non-consequential event.

After a 10-week grueling test, there would be only one winner – the prize is that he can keep his job. The rest would be sent back home, or back to their previous job before they became ministers.

Stay tuned to Petai for more information on this show.