Kuala Lumpur, 11 May 2010 – What is happening to Malaysia? First we have the Selangor Police Chief’s car stolen, then a few days later we have the Deputy Foreign Minister A. Kohilan Pillay’s car stolen.

What are these Malaysian car thieves up to – having a game of who dares wins?  Do these guys know who they are playing against? Let’s run thru’ the list of what Malaysian police would do to you if you were to “cross” their path:

1. For running away from them – a bullet to the head (case ref: Aminulrasyid);
2. For riding a motorcycle in zig-zag manner – a shot in the hip (case ref: Mohd Azizi); and
3. For watching other people get shot – a bullet to the chest (case ref: S. Surentiran).

Can you imagine what the Malaysian Police would do to you if you were caught by them stealing one of their bosses’ cars? No wonder the thief (or thieves) who stole the Selangor Police Chief’s car returned it with a note stating “Sorry, PDRM, stole the wrong car”. He is a wise man – it is not worthwhile losing your life for a car.

Home Minister Hishammuddin Hussein has declared war on loan sharks or Ah Longs that have been responsible for a spate of debtor harassment cases in Malaysia recently.

Speaking to reporters after enjoying a bowl of sharks fin soup at a Chinese New Year open house event in Sembrong, Hishammuddin remarked that loan sharks were a menace to society and needed to be eradicated.

“Like the sharks in the sea, loan sharks have been responsible for much suffering and misery experienced by innocent Malaysians. We need to take a very serious view of the situation,” Hishammuddin declared while brandishing a knife that had been used to cut the sharks fin

According to insider sources, Hishammuddin apparently once witnessed a shark attack on a human in Australia which made him vow to get rid of anything related to sharks.

The Petai managed to get in touch with one of Klang Valley’s most famous loan sharks who goes by the alias Kembali Moolah. Kembali scoffed at Hishammuddin’s words and said, “Sharks have nothing to do with loan sharks and the loan sharks of Malaysia strongly protest this unwarranted association between us and them.”

Putrajaya, 18 February 2010

It was reported that 4 men and 3 women have been caned in Kajang Prison on 9 Feb 10 for committing illicit sex under the Syariah law.  The Petai is totally confused over the matter because the maths simply just does not add up – 4 men and 3 women? We in The Petai have come up with various permutations to give a little more resolution to the matter. Here goes:-

1. There were two couples and the last lady of the three was having the company of two men;
2. There was one couple, one guy with two girls, and two guys doing the Saiful thing;
3. There were only three couples, the fourth guy was a peeping tom;
4. The three girls were lesbians and the four guys were just watching;
5. There were actually four couples, but the missing girl for the last couple was actually a minister’s wife, so she got away scot-free;
6. It was supposed to be an orgy for eight, but one of the girl got stuck in the Bukit Bintang traffic jam;
7. They were filming a porn clip and the fourth man was actually a cameraman.

That is all we can come up with. We would like to ask our readers to contribute any other permutations they can come up with in helping matters to be a little clearer in our Malaysian landscape.

Commenting on the blogger who was arrested for insulting the late Sultan of Johor Sultan Iskandar ibni Almarhum Sultan Ismail, Home Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein said “Let his case be a lesson to others who think they can express themselves openly without worrying about repercussions.”

Hisham said that the blogger has forgotten his roots. “Where does he think he is? This is Malaysia, not USA. There is no such thing as freedom of speech here. He must remember that he is a Malaysian and there are no personal opinions, only government-approved opinions.”

Working himself into a frenzy, Hisham pointed out that the blogger had insulted an age-old institution. “The sultans had been here since Malaysia was founded. Even if the sultan is an *** *** , no true Malaysian would ever insult the royalty because by insulting them, they would be insulting the very heritage of Malaysia.”

Spitting foam from his mouth, Hisham angrily waved his keris and cried, “The blogger has done the undoneable! He must pay for insulting the late Sultan!”

The contents of this article have been certified family-friendly by the good administrators of Suruhanjaya Komunikasi & Multimedia Malaysia.

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak has praised governmental efforts in decreasing street crime.

Statistics have shown that street crimes have decreased by 6.7% while indoor crimes have risen by 10.2%, indicating a trend where crimes are moving indoors. PM said that this is a positive indication that the Government is moving in the right direction.

“Last year, the Government embarked on a series of campaigns aimed at removing crimes from the streets. Efforts were made to contact potential law-breakers and ask them not to commit crimes in the streets where it is disruptive for everyone. By moving crimes indoors and out of sight of the general public, we have made it less traumatizing for everyone concerned.”