JOHOR BARU, Feb 13 – Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi has the following message for renowned rogue Datuk Seri Zahrain Mohamed Hashim:

“You belong to the dark side. Search your feelings young one. Feel it in the Force. You know it to be true. Join us, and together we shall end the rebellion and bring order to this galaxy.

“The Emperor has long foreseen this, and preparations are underway for your welcome. We have been waiting for this. Soon, the rebellion will be no more.”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also lamented the weakness in dark side leadership in the intervening years since the fall of Darth Sidious.

“The chosen successor to Lord Sidious had been ineffective and had a tendency to let Dark side affairs go astray with animal spirits. He also had a peculiar disposition for losing himself in his thoughts while deliberating on important affairs of the Empire. Fortuitously for us, he was deposed by a True Sith who now graces the throne. What we need now is another to take the role of apprentice, so that the Rule of Two shall once again be fulfilled as it was ordered in Darth Bane’s commandment in antiquity: ‘Two there should be; no more, no less. One to embody power, the other to crave it.’

“However, too many millennia of inbreeding have left the dark side unable to produce a heir capable of usurping power from his master should the current Emperor grow too weak to continue his ascendancy. We need new blood. New blood like Datuk Seri Zahrain and Tan Tee Beng who will reinvigorate the dark side with their ambition, their fear, their anger, their hate, their thirst for victory.”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also distributed pamphlets bearing what he dubbed “tenets of power.” The Petai has reproduced its content below:

Peace is a lie; there is only passion.

Through passion, I gain strength.

Through strength, I gain power.

Through power, I gain victory.

Through victory, my chains are broken.

The Force shall free me.

- The Sith Code

In other news, Tan Tee Beng had repeatedly denied he was planning to join the dark side, explaining that his allegiance was with the Republic for now, but that he felt it was his responsibility to jointly manage the stay-behind operation against the tyranny of the majority with fellow collaborator Zulkifli Noordin.

Kuala Lumpur, June 16 – Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak has revealed that UMNO is still open and ready to listen to what PAS has to say on the unity government matter. Stating that he senses that PAS is sincere, he mentioned that “we have to risik risik (investigate or poke-poke) first. Like if we want to get married, we have to investigate (poke-poke) first.”

Now the Petai isn’t sure about the whole “poke-poke” thing. The only thing we’re certain is that a UMNO-PAS marriage can save quite a bit of money on the Tok Kadi as there are many of them in PAS. Another thing we have to look at is that, if there is a marriage, there will be a child – whatever kind of child will come out of this union. Half evil and half saint-like – and what will we have, one side of the body trying to kill the other, because they cannot stand each other?

Only two things can happen in such a situation – homicide or suicide. Whatever happens, what we will have is a body that is only half alive, dragging the other dead half of itself (which it itself has killed) around. It is not an easy thing I tell you – I tried it myself, pretending that half of my body is dead and using the other half that is alive to move around – I did not get far.

Or lets look at it at another way – both halves are so stupid that they are unable to recognize that they hate each other and some how manage to live a life of “live and let live”. We would have a very confused child here. Take for example, while walking on the street this child comes across a very sexily clad girl, half of the child’s mouth would pucker up for a whistle while the other half of the mouth would start cringing for a good scolding for the girl. What do you think would come out of that mouth – neither a whistle nor a scolding. At the risk of becoming a schizophrenic, I tried that too – I myself was confused at what was coming out of my own mouth. Another example, this stupid child while walking along Bangsar comes across a pub – half of it would want to go in to minum and joget while the other half would want to run off in the opposite direction. What could possibly happen is that in the process of running away and pulling itself towards the pub, the child could accidentally tear itself into two – now we will have two halves of a child, which is totally immobilized, confused and in pain. Would we want that?

I think it is best for evil to stay where it is and for the self-proclaimed saints to stay where they are. Apart they do not cause that much damage to themselves or others, but when there is a union – lots of paralysis, confusion and pain will follow.

Pakatan Rakyat lures Chua Soi Lek – MCA deputy president at crosslegs…. err… roads

By Romp Inda Kamar

(TPT) – LABIS: MCA deputy president Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soi Lek has been having a very hectic time answering questions pertaining to him jumping ship. Stories have been abound about his imminent departure. And Soi Lek is one who is not known to cover up anything. As in his other matters, including bedroom ones, he has openly discussed about his options, though not outrightly admitting to it..

All Chua Soi Lek have said so far pertaining to the matter is that, “if there is an opening, I might enter”…..Soi Lek added, “if you consider geographically, the best part to penetrate is the south, Johor that is, since Johor is the stronghold of the BN”……..

All Chua Soi Lek have said so far pertaining to the matter is that, “if there is an opening, I might enter”…..Soi Lek added, “if you consider geographically, the best part to penetrate is the south, Johor that is, since Johor is the stronghold of the BN”……..

He also pointed out that there are lots of people who have been wrongly accused of behaving immorally and hinted that these people should join together to clear their names. Though Soi Lek has not yet considered which party to join if he leaves MCA, there are no prizes for guessing which party he is going to plunge head in if he ever does……

‘Zaid: I’ve really finally conclusively decided which party to join – who cares?’

(TPT) – KUALA LUMPUR: Former Umno De-facto Law Minister Zaid Ibrahim, after toying with the opposition parties for some months, has finally decided on his political future.

But for now he is again keeping mum on the political party of his choice.

“I am not telling”

The de-facto Law Minister who never became Law Minister was unceremoniously booted out of Pak Tidur’s Cabinet some months ago after he criticised Pak Tidur’s sleeping habits. However, Zaid has been roaming the political circles of late.

“Yes, I am still actively involved in politics. I have decided on the party but I will not announce it, yet,” he told reporters today at the launch of his second book “Saya Pun Melayu’.

When pressed on the choice of his party, the former law minister was adamant in not divulging further details.

“I know which it is, but I am not telling. I’ve really finally conclusively decided on a party that is clean, from whichever direction, be it front or behind” Zaid exclaims over the crowd of journalists and PKR members.

Also present at the book launch in a popular golf club in the city was PKR leader Anwar “From Behind” Ibrahim and Kelantan Menteri Besar Nik “The Turban” Aziz Nik Mat.

Zaid had always insisted he resigned in protest over the government’s failure to implement much-promised reforms. It was the same this time around as TPT probed about he circumstances of his exit.

He was upset over the use of the Internal Security Act against DAP parliamentarian Teresa Kok, Sin Chew Daily reporter Tan Hoon Cheng and blogger Raja Petra Kamaruddin.

Zaid was subsequently sacked from Umno for attending events organised by opposition parties.

While he has not openly declared his support for any of three key opposition parties – PKR, PAS and DAP – he had nevertheless been seen attending many of their functions.

Anwar “From Behind” Ibrahim who was present at the book launch praised Zaid’s measured writings and willingness to go under the chopping board.

“Zaid has consistently criticised Dr Mahathir (Mohamad) and (Umno-owned daily) Utusan Malaysia. We on the same platform on that,” said Anwar during the book launch.

“I openly invite Zaid over to my condo for some drinks and after-activities. My driver will be fetching him over later” Anwar boomed to the audience as Zaid looks on into the distance uneasily.

At this point, Niz “The Stooge” Aziz was observed excusing himself from the premises.

“I will make sure Zaid knows PKR welcomes him with open hands into the family” Anwar finishes while putting his arm around the waist of the portly Zaid.