WISMA PERTAHANAN, Feb 17 – The Malaysian Armed Forces has announced another innovation to add to its arsenal of fearsome weapons, including a submarine that cannot dive and an airplane that cannot fly, that it plans to deploy against foreign aggressors.

“Just like the submarine, the tank is a psychological weapon as much as it is a weapons platform. The mere presence of a submarine is enough to drive panic into the enemy’s navy, and likewise, the presence of a tank is enough to scatter the enemy’s infantry,” said a flustered Defence Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi who had been responding to queries regarding a flaw in the engines of Malaysia’s PT-91M main battle tank that rendered it immobile.

“The problems with the engines of our PT-91M is nothing to worry about. It is not totally immobile because of this. We can still move our tanks atop tank carriers specially modified from container trucks.

“Our Army has found it necessary to make adjustments to our fighting techniques in light of this situation, and these adjustments have been found to be satisfactory.”

When pressed for details on the adjustments, Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad could not elaborate further, reasoning that doing so contravened national security concerns. He would only allow that tank crews have been instructed to hold fast onto their positions in the face of enemy fire and to fight to the very end. The Petai feels that this is not a very challenging prospect given that the tanks themselves are immobile.

WISMA PERTAHANAN, Feb 8 – A ‘tired and emotional’ Defence Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi assured Malaysians that his ministry was doing everything it could to prevent a recurrence of leakages of national secrets to foreign countries.

“Fortunately for Malaysia, we have a ‘lean and mean’ intelligence team that managed to nab the culprits before too much damage was done.

We are examining security at all levels in the ministry and are putting in place measures to remedy the situation. We may be ‘a day late and a dollar short,’ but it’s ‘better to be late than never.’”

One of the measures proposed by Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad to combat the ‘cloak and dagger’ international arena was the installation of a hall of mirrors and a smoke generator in his office.

“Essentially we are employing a ‘smoke and mirrors’ strategy against would-be enemies. I can guarantee you that foreign agents who enter my office with the intent of stealing our secrets will be caught in a situation of ‘between the devil and the deep blue sea.’

There is no where for them to run or hide in this game of ‘cat and mouse.’ We will catch them and we will crush them. There is no room for errors, and there can only be ‘the quick and the dead’ when ‘all is said and done.’”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also noted that it was important to react firmly to this latest crisis embroiling the Defence Ministry as security issues were its ‘bread and butter,’ and that this crisis was ‘one too many’ in the wake of the theft of the Air Force’s F-5 jet engines.

As for the foreign agents who were ‘caught with their fingers in the cookie jar,’ he said that the Malaysian government has decided to practice a policy of ‘live and let live,’ but that his ministry would ‘take no prisoners’ in its treatment of similar cases in the future.

“I have this message to foreign agents who think they can outsmart us: ‘fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’”

The Petai notes that Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad had been punctuating his press conference with plenty of air quotes, and that military men in the room have been struggling to keep a straight face.

KUALA LUMPUR , Dec 24 (TPT) – Drastic action will be taken against anyone convicted of committing treasonous acts against the state, Defence Minister Datuk Seri Ahmad Zahid Hamidi said during an emergency meeting with the Armed Forces Chiefs this morning. This may or may not include the summary trial and execution of traitors found guilty of mishandling or selling state property to commercial or sovereign interests.

“We must purge those found guilty of treason or negligence from our armed forces. Ministry of Defence employees and servicemen will be processed by a military tribunal and those convicted of crimes with malicious or monetary intent will be executed by firing squad, while the negligent will be detained for up to 80 years in the Gulag – err I mean Kamunting.”

Datuk Seri Zahid called for the emergency session at Wisma Pertahanan after it emerged that a copy of the Ministry of Defence’s war plans had been found on sale on Ebay. The Petai understands that a listing on Ebay.com.my had been started by the seller “rosmahismyqueen” which portends to sell photocopies of the sensitive papers, and that these have been bought anonymously for a very reasonable price of RM 9.99, while their contents have subsequently been made available on the public domain through Wikipedia.

“This is a grave breach of security and a major embarrassment to Malaysia. We have become a laughing stock in ASEAN as a result of this act of treason. Now everyone knows about our contingency plans and a lot of man-hours will be wasted on re-drafting the plans again,” lamented an exasperated Datuk Seri Zahid.

According to the Petai’s foreign correspondence teams from across ASEAN, a collective howl of laughter could be heard from regional defence ministries after it was learnt that the Malaysian Armed Forces’ war plans called for a simultaneous pre-emptive invasion of neighboring threats.

“Oh you Malaysians are priceless! Taking the whole of Kalimantan? Who would’ve thought it possible!” stuttered a source between sobs of laughter who wanted to be known only as “PY”.

“Yeah right, as if driving up to Bangkok from Kedah is a cakewalk!” exclaimed a “PW”.

According to Datuk Seri Zahid, cost saving measures will be put in place during the witch hunt for traitors. These include having mass trials before kangaroo courts to save on legal costs, having condemned prisoners dig their own graves prior to their execution to save on undertakers’ fees, and placing Kamunting detainees on forced labor details to earn their keep. Executioners will also be subject to KPI requirements to ensure their efficiency as they carry out their grim duties.

Kuala Lumpur, 23 December 2009

The Royal Malaysian Navy (RMN) today announced that they have in place several measures to counter incidents like those happened in the Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF). Submarine Squadron Commander, Kapt. Selam bin Timbul said that the navy drew up such measures even before they took delivery of the submarine. He said that the navy was aware of such trickery and deceit going on, not only in the armed forces, but down the ministries as well as the divisions.

The RMN learnt this tough lesson back in the 1960s when navy ships docked at harbor had their propellers stolen. The navy then came up with the brilliant idea of dismantling the propellers and locking it in the store room when their ships were in port. Since then, there have been no thefts of any propellers.

Once again the Malaysian Navy has come up with a brilliant idea of countering incidents like the missing jet engine in the RMAF. Kapt. Selam said that this is an original Malaysian idea and hopes that other countries would not steal their idea. The navy has decided to go back to basics and use sail and the wind to propel their submarine incase their engine is stolen also. Kapt Selam added proudly, “Let’s see if the thieves can steal the wind from us”.