Former Prime Minister makes surprise announcement after MIC general assembly

(TPT) – Kuala Lumpur: First, it had been his unexpected intervention in Malaysian Indian politics with his support for Former MIC Deputy President Datuk S Subramaniam in an interview. Now it appears that Former Prime Minister Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad is taking matters into his own hands to banish newly re-elected MIC President Datuk Samy Vellu from politics. <span class=”fullpost”>

“I am very disappointed with MIC for not listening to me. Instead of voting for change with me- I mean Datuk Subramaniam, they voted for more of the same.

“I have spoken to key people inside BN, and all sides agree that Samy Vellu has to go if MIC is to carry the Indian vote at the next general elections.

“I am appealing to the MIC central working committee to review the outcome of the general assembly for allegations of excessive black-slapping and possible cronyism. Fresh elections should be held in the wake of these revelations, and I have decided to run against Samy Vellu in these elections.”

Amidst an uproar in the press room that erupted after this announcement, a reporter had explained to Tun Dr Mahathir that only ethnic Indians were allowed to be members of MIC, much less run for President, and the former Prime Minister had been adamant that he was equally entitled to be part of the MIC.

“My father was half-Indian, so I am a quarter Indian. I have every right to take a personal interest in Indian affairs. My gut feeling is that Samy Vellu and his clique are destroying Indian unity and he has to go, one way or another.

“Although I am reluctant to come out of retirement from politics, I see little choice in the matter but to stake my personal goodwill in this. I am willing to get my hands dirty to improve the lot of Malaysian Indians.”

In an unrelated development, MIC members have been calling for the new 3 term limit to be applicable only to successive Presidents, reasoning that applying the limit to Datuk Samy would be ungrateful for his 30 years’ of faithful service to the MIC cause.

“Obviously, making Datuk Samy a President-for-life is the only way we can thank him for standing up for our interests in the past 3 decades. We are all mindful of his contributions to our wellbeing and how we owe him our livelihoods,” said a MIC stalwart who wanted to remain unnamed.

Kuala Lumpur, June 16 – Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak has revealed that UMNO is still open and ready to listen to what PAS has to say on the unity government matter. Stating that he senses that PAS is sincere, he mentioned that “we have to risik risik (investigate or poke-poke) first. Like if we want to get married, we have to investigate (poke-poke) first.”

Now the Petai isn’t sure about the whole “poke-poke” thing. The only thing we’re certain is that a UMNO-PAS marriage can save quite a bit of money on the Tok Kadi as there are many of them in PAS. Another thing we have to look at is that, if there is a marriage, there will be a child – whatever kind of child will come out of this union. Half evil and half saint-like – and what will we have, one side of the body trying to kill the other, because they cannot stand each other?

Only two things can happen in such a situation – homicide or suicide. Whatever happens, what we will have is a body that is only half alive, dragging the other dead half of itself (which it itself has killed) around. It is not an easy thing I tell you – I tried it myself, pretending that half of my body is dead and using the other half that is alive to move around – I did not get far.

Or lets look at it at another way – both halves are so stupid that they are unable to recognize that they hate each other and some how manage to live a life of “live and let live”. We would have a very confused child here. Take for example, while walking on the street this child comes across a very sexily clad girl, half of the child’s mouth would pucker up for a whistle while the other half of the mouth would start cringing for a good scolding for the girl. What do you think would come out of that mouth – neither a whistle nor a scolding. At the risk of becoming a schizophrenic, I tried that too – I myself was confused at what was coming out of my own mouth. Another example, this stupid child while walking along Bangsar comes across a pub – half of it would want to go in to minum and joget while the other half would want to run off in the opposite direction. What could possibly happen is that in the process of running away and pulling itself towards the pub, the child could accidentally tear itself into two – now we will have two halves of a child, which is totally immobilized, confused and in pain. Would we want that?

I think it is best for evil to stay where it is and for the self-proclaimed saints to stay where they are. Apart they do not cause that much damage to themselves or others, but when there is a union – lots of paralysis, confusion and pain will follow.

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak offers to use Malaysian Maritime Enforcement Agency’s Amfibi Bombardier CL415 to carry out water bombing and help Indonesia put out its forest fires. We ask Malaysians on their opinion of this story

Ahmad Zakaria, 28 (Rembau, Negeri Sembilan) - “Yes my company was awarded a RM3 million contract to put out the forest fires but as we have no planes or trained personnel, we welcome the government’s efforts.”

Alex Lim, 25 (Nilam Puri, Kelantan) - “I hope we charge them more than 3 sen per gallon.”

Z. Sathyaseelan, 77 (Santan, Perlis) “I thought relations are getting worse. We better ask for permission first if not they might shoot our plane down.”

Abdul Sitawak, 12 (Bintulu, Sarawak) - “Bomb them back to Stone Age, I have enough of those Indons coming in and stealing our camp fires.”

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The first ever interview with our former PM Abdullah Badawi

(TPT) – KEPALA BATAS: Abdullah Badawi had just last week handed over the reigns of the country to the new PM of Malaysia, Datuk Seri Najib Razak. Our reporters from Petai managed to chance upon our former PM doing some gardening work in his house yesterday morning and requested for an interview. Now that he is no more saddled with the problems of the country, he obligingly agreed to do the interview. After he had washed up and everything, we snugly settled down in our chairs in the garden and began our interview….

TPT: Tun Abdullah Badawi…… now that you are a normal citizen, how does it feel, being as free as a bird, without a care in the world……

Abdullah: Well… hmmmm (rubbing his chin)…….. zzzzzzz

TPT: Tun (pause), Tun (pause), Tun ………..

TPT: Well, we guess that old habits die hard, anyway, now that he is a free man, we allowed him to continue with his slumber as we slowly packed our things and tip-toed out of his garden. Good night, or rather, good morning Pak Lah

(TPT) – REMBAU: Newly-minted Umno Youth chieftain Khairy Jamaluddin has bemoaned the lack of shared dreaming among the 13 component parties in Barisan Nasional.

Conceding that he was no longer sure what the ruling coalition dreams for, Khairy said that the opposition Pakatan Rakyat appeared more cohesive despite the ideological divide among PKR, PAS and DAP.

“Whereas for us, I’m not quite sure what is it that we want, so I think we have to go back to bed and decide what is, or what are, the core dreams that BN shares, (and) the BN Youth shares.

“Is it bolsters? Is it better beds or more mosquito nets?” he told Petai Times two weeks before he won the much-coveted Umno Youth chieftain post in the posh surroundings of Sri Perdana where the interview was conducted.

On Wednesday, 33-year-old Khairy seized the much coveted Umno Youth chief’s post – a nurturing ground for future leaders, and dreamers.

In the interview, Khairy also gave some indications of what he would do as leader of the Youth wing and his proposals for reform in Umno.

“And we have to spell these things out because at the moment we are dreaming on our own directions, MCA is going this way, Umno is going that way, and when we come together during elections, there is no spirit, because we don’t share the same dream anymore.”

Khairy, whose father-in-law is Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi or otherwise known as Pak Tidur had been much criticised for sleeping on the job credits him for been an inspiring dreamer.

“I want to say it right now, you have all misunderstood his intentions” he defends vehemently with spit spewing out of his mouth.

“This is a good man who was doing his best with all the restrains of a ruling incumbent, a good man who had the courage to dream on the job” Khairy lets on while coughing profusely.

In outlining future plans for UMNO Youth, Khairy was quick to bring up his father-in-law as a source of inspiration. He described Pak Lah’s sleeping habits in detail, including his tendency to doze off during international conferences and events. Putting aside all possible embarrassments, he noted that the take-away was an efficient management of time.

“If the talk is boring, why not take a nap?” he asks with raised brows to this reporter.

“If its boring then sleep lah, rest more in order to prepare for the long haul, politics is not so easy you know” Khairy admonishes.

Back to shared dreaming among the component parties, the UMNO Youth Chieftain revealed that Pak Tidur would be retained in the impending revised Cabinet in some dreaming capacity. He gushes with pride at the role his father-in-law would receive under the leadership of yet-to-be-confirmed-but-should-be PM Datuk Najib Razak.

“To the others who think they can spilt up the unity within BN, I say, Dream On!” Khairy exclaims.

Backbencher objects to retiring leader having the same status as non-Aryans non-Bumis

(TPT) – KUALA LUMPUR: In a calamitous and rowdy session of the Reichstag Dewan Rakyat, pandemonium broke out after a card-carrying member of the National Front proposed that the Führer, who is due to step down sometime in March this year, be made a Dictator Mentor and thus spared the indignity of sitting with the non-Aryans non-Bumis in the rank and file of the Reichstag Dewan Rakyat.

“After the sacrifices our Dear Leader made to improve this country, it is inappropriate to sit him next to the stench of the masses. Would it not be better to emulate our neighbour and appoint him Dictator Mentor?” asked the MP, who went on to note that unlike earlier Führers, the current one was breaking with tradition by relinquishing his post halfway.

This sparked an uproar from the opposition, who clamored to know who was responsible for the Führer’s resignation.

“Who was it who forced our Dear Leader to step down? The National Front should not hide the truth. We want the Führer to continue after March!” exclaimed an opposition MP.

The opposition then began to chant “we love our Dear Leader,” drowning out dissenting voices from the National Front. Some could be heard murmuring “a repeat of the Night of the Long Knives,” a reference to their de-facto leader’s deposition in 1999. Also overheard by our correspondent was an MP shouting into his mobile phone that “Operation Valkyrie against the veep is a go,” whatever that meant.

In a related development, the only surviving former Führer, Bapa Permodenan, had gotten wind of this development, and had subsequently made known his displeasure at a press conference hastily convened late in the evening.

“If Pak Lah is to be the Dictator Mentor, then those ingrates should make me a Dictator-for-Life!” Here, someone in the press pool yawned and mumbled that he was already one. “While we are on that topic, I propose that Pak Lah’s sobriquet after his retirement be Bapa Penidur. I think we all agree that it is befitting for him because it is a name that I chose.”

The Führer in question could not be contacted for comment at press time. According to a senior staffer, His Excellency had just finished resolving a matter of national urgency and required time to recuperate.