Kuching, 18 Mar 2011 – With his ruddy cheeks, balding crop of silvery hair, and rotund figure, it’s not surprising that speculation is rife that a visit by Prime Minister Najib Razak will be akin to a visit from Santa Claus. We ask people for what they expect from an early visit by the jolly fat one:

Baru Bian (Leader of PKR Sarawak): I promise to be a good boy this year just like how I was a good boy last year and every year before that, unlike some other person with white hair. So I hope Santa will remember me this year instead of stuffing stockings with coal for his power plant in Sabah which, thanks to PKR, has ceased to exist. I also hope Santa will tell his white-haired elf to shelve the Bakun dam project and leave our Sarawak alone and in the dark. He can leave his presents for us here, but he is personally not welcomed to loiter around here just like drunkards are not welcomed around the Jalan Main Bazaar waterfront.

Dato’ Sri Peter Chin (Energy Minister and SUPP secretary): I wish for Santa to resolve the meltdown crisis in Japan so I can ask Santa for billions of ringgit to build my atomic toy. I spoke to Santa just the other day via telegram and he said he will gift Sarawak the nuclear plant project so we can reap the rewards. Low white blood cell counts are collateral damage that will be more than paid for in the bucket loads of electricity tariffs we will harvest from the Peninsular.

Dato’ Sri Idris Jala (Minister in PM Dept and committed Sarawak Christian): I’m not saying Santa should belong to any religion or anything, but I just wished Santa would spread his goodwill to all men of all religions and let us have our Bahasa bibles.

Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz (Yet another Minister in the same PM Dept and de-facto Law Minister): Santa should only allow Sarawak to have its Bahasa bibles and withhold the Selangor ones, unless he wants to violate the North Pole Enactment. Yes we are still living in the same country and decisions are still made in the same cabinet, even if we may have different laws in different parts of the land.

Dato’ Seri Hishammuddin Hussein (Home Minister): (twiddling his thumbs, with his eyes darting around nervously) … … … Oh were you looking at me? Sorry I can’t comment on this since I don’t have anything I want from Santa. Here, my Publications Secretary can answer any questions you have (pushes a lady forward and runs off).

Datuk Zaitun Ab Samad (Publications and Quranic Text Secretary): (rolling her eyes while clearing her throat) The Home Ministry has decided to release certain religious materials, but they must be stamped to clearly show they are not violating any laws, customs or sensibilities… What I want from Santa? Really? (Whispers) Between you and me, actually I really want Santa to give me a new boss. I can’t stand the old one anymore.

Tan Sri Dr George Chan (Sarawak DCM): I already have my present from Santa. He has given me a secret weapon last week for the election, and SUPP will deploy it as soon as nomination day is announced. It is a really nice and shiny weapon that I polish everyday whenever I come back from work. I just love caressing it… oh yes… my preccciousss… (goes into a daze)…. Huh? Where was I? Oh yes – love. We need to learn how to love and not make war… hey wait where are you going? Come back here!

Edmund Stanley Jugol (SNAP Secretary-General): I wish Santa will come to Kuching more often than just once every election cycle. He should build a Puterijaya here in Kuching and divide his time here with Putrajaya. So he can spend Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays in Putrajaya, while Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays are spent in Puterijaya. After all, if Sarawak is BN’s fixed deposit, shouldn’t Santa spend as much time here as he does in his cabin? Also I wish Santa would bring more jobs with him for the Dayaks. I know many will want to work in his workshop. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have access to all those toys?

SIBU, May 17 – First it had been campaign billboards with not-so-subtle hints that electing a DAP representative would mean the end of kampua mee as locals know it. Then came the rebuttal from DAP candidate Wong Ho Leng (while tucking into a plate of the delicacy) that he was committed to defending the “Sibu way of life” and that his family loves kampua mee. We assume, of course, that Wong meant that the Sibu way of life equates to non-halal kampua mee and that non-halal kampua mee equates to the very heart of Sibu.

Now it seems both sides are slugging or, dare we say, pigging it out to convince voters that they can keep their favorite foods once the dust settles and Sibu returns to its quiet normalcy.

“Sibu voters are smart enough to know that a vote for me is a vote for kompia done right,” proclaimed SUPP candidate Robert Lau Hui Yew as he demolished a stack of the pastries stuffed with savory meat filling.

“With SUPP, you may keep your kueh cap, but will you enjoy it? DAP will ensure the portions stay the same and your stomach stay satisfactorily full,” trumpeted DAP campaign director Chong Chieng Jen who helped himself to heaps of pig offals braised in dark sauce.

Even independent Narawi Haron is getting into the act by endorsing a chikuteh joint.

“As someone who is half Malay and half Chinese, I’m very disappointed in Barisan and Pakatan for espousing subliminally discriminatory messages. What’s wrong with the taste of halal kampua mee? It doesn’t matter what the ‘proper’ taste of food is so long as people like it.”

“Vote Barisan Nasional,” Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak told Hulu Selangor constituents. “Don’t worry about who is the candidate, whether he is clean or trustworthy. You should just worry about whether he is from Barisan.”

Najib explained that rather than focusing on the person, the voters should look at the party, like when one goes shopping at the departmental store. When his wife, Datin Rosmah Mansor, goes shopping, she will buy a Birkin handbag but not a pasar malam handbag. In reality, both are handbags and both look similar and both serve the same purpose. But Rosmah would go for the well-known and trusted brand.

Like the handbag, Barisan Nasional is also a well-known and trusted brand. It’s consistency over the years has made the party what it is today. “Vote for the brand,” urged Najib. “The candidate can be an idiot or orang gila, it doesn’t matter. As long as you vote for Barisan, you’re voting for quality.”

CHERAS, Apr 05 – Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein assures the public that the Hulu Selangor by-election will be free from unruliness and that he personally guaranteed that the event will be carried out responsibly.

“Due to the high stakes involved and the importance attached to this district, the Home Ministry will be extra vigilant to ensure people do not take matters into their own hands.”

“Instead, FRU (Federal Reserve Unit) and UTK (Special Action Team) will take this matter into their responsible hands by means of a special deployment to protect voters from intimidation and to ensure that they vote responsibly. Hulu Selangor residents should know what I mean,” Datuk Seri Hishammuddin said ominously while giving a wink to reporters at a press session held after a shooting test at PDRM’s General Operations Force Central Brigade headquarters in Cheras yesterday.

The Home Minister then went into a long-winded tirade of sorts, touching on seemingly unrelated issues such as responsible driving, responsible spending, and responsible care for the aged and the under-aged. Brandishing a PDRM Walther P99 service pistol and gesturing excitedly with it (causing some reporters to wince just like when he once wielded the keris Panca Warisan when he was Chief of UMNO Youth), he also talked about how responsible voting is synonymous with responsible usage of firearms.

“Say if I were to put a live round into this pistol, cock it and mistakenly fire at a passerby. Not only would I be held responsible for a crime, but I would forever live in remorse of my mistake. Similarly, we advise Hulu Selangor constituents to choose responsibly in this by-election. Make sure you can sleep soundly with your decision.”

The Home Minister dismissed accusations that he was trying to assert undue influence over the upcoming by-election.

“I’m just fulfilling my responsibility as Home Minister to ensure there is law and order in this country.”

The wife of new Umno President tells us how her husband will bring change

(TPT) – KUALA LUMPUR: The following is a transcript of Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor’s speech to supporters, which took place after PM Abdullah Badawi gave his farewell speech at the Umno General Assembly on Friday. In an unusual move, the speech was made in English.

DATIN SERI ROSMAH: Thank you, Umno. I love you back. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, thank you so much. I am still fired up and ready to go.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, first of all, I want to congratulate Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin, Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi, Datuk Seri Shafiee Abdal, Datuk Seri Shahrizat Jalil, Datuk Rosnah Abdul, and last but not least, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, on their hard-fought victories here in Putra World Trade Centre. They did an outstanding job. Give them a big round of applause.

(APPLAUSE)

You know, a few weeks ago, no one imagined that we’d have accomplished what we did here tonight in Putra World Trade Centre. No one could have imagined it.

For most of this assembly, we were far ahead. We always knew our climb would be easy. We just didn’t know it would be a cake walk.

In record numbers, you came out, and you spoke for more of the same. And with your voices and your votes, you made it clear that at this moment, in this election, there is something happening in Umno.

(APPLAUSE)

There is something happening when the young men and women of the Youth, Wanita and Puteri Wings from Perlis and Terengganu, in Sabah and Sarawak, come out in mobs to wait in lines to attend this aseembly because they believe in what this country can be.

There is something happening. There’s something happening when Umno members who are young in age and in spirit, who’ve never participated in politics before, turn out in numbers that we more or less expected because they know in their hearts that this time must be more of the same.

There’s something happening when Umno delegates vote not just for the fraction they belong to, whether pro-Abdullah or pro-Mahathir, but the hopes that they hold in common.

And whether we are elites or Orang Ulu, pure Malay or mixed, Bumiputera or otherwise, whether we hail from Pahang or Negeri Sembilan, Melaka or Johor, Kedah or Pinang, we are ready to take this party back to its fundamentals.

That’s what’s happening in Umno right now; more of the same is what’s happening in Umno.

You, all of you who are here tonight, all who put so much heart and soul and work into this campaign, you can be part of the old majority who used to lead this nation in a long political darkness.

(APPLAUSE)

Reformists, independents and mavericks who are tired of the division and distraction that has clouded the Dewan Rakyat, who know that we can disagree without being disagreeable, who understand that, if we mobilize our voices to challenge the money and influence that stood in our way and challenge ourselves to reach for something better, let me say to you this: there is no place in Pertubahan Kebangsaan Melayu Bersatu for you!

(APPLAUSE)

We will build a new Umno, one that can end the outrage of rebellious Pakatan Rakyat insurgents in our time. We can bring hardliners, ultra-nationalists, NEP beneficiaries, the xenophobic and the overzealous together, and we can tell Pakatan Rakyat that, while they have seats at the table, they will have to buy their own chairs from now on.

(APPLAUSE)

Our old majority can continue the tax breaks for Bumiputera companies that reaped the benefits of the NEP at the expense of working Malays who were not born into the right families or who do not have the right connections.

We can put our children on a pathway to success by relinquishing their mother tongue in favor of a language that is universal in modern society. We can make it easier to break the barriers that they face when pursuing careers in business, law, medicine, science, and so on.

We can harness the ingenuity of Petronas to free this nation from the need for subsidies for fuel and to keep the profits rolling in for our cronies.

And when I am – when my husband becomes the Prime Minister of the Federation of Malaysia, I know that he will magically end the recession faced by the citizens of this country and I know he will do so because his sponge is very big.

(APPLAUSE)

All of the appointment holders who emerge victorious tonight – all of them have good ideas and all are patriots who will serve this party honourably.

But the reason Umno has always been different from the other political parties, the reason we began this improbable journey more than sixty years ago is because it’s not just about what my husband will do as president. It is also about you, the people who devote themselves to this party, the members of Umno, can do to keep it the same.

That’s what this assembly is all about.

That’s why tonight belongs to you. It belongs to the organisers, the volunteers, and the staff who believed in this journey and rallied so many others to join the cause.

We know the battles ahead are impending. But always remember that, no matter what obstacles stand in our way, be it Anwar or Guan Eng, Karpal or Abdul Hadi, Altantuya or Raja Petra Kamaruddin, nothing and no one can stand in the way of the power of millions and millions of ringgit that we have come up with to call for change in the by-election states and the grassroots of PR states.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of critics. And they will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks and months to come.

We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the party false hope. But in the unlikely story that is Umno, there has never been any hope that did not turn out to be false.

(APPLAUSE)

For when we have faced down impossible odds, when we’ve been told we’re not ready or that we shouldn’t try or that we can’t, generations of Umno party elites have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of greed that has always driven our party: Yes, we can. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

It was the creed written into the founding documents of a party that declared the supremacy of a race above all others:

Yes, we can.

It was whispered by business interests who exploited a policy to create a just society which was anything but just:

Yes, we can.

It was sung by immigrants who struck out from distant shores and entrepreneurs from foreign lands who contributed to the prosperity of the country, and who eventually emigrated to greener pastures when they found out what they were in for:

Yes, we can.

It was the call of opportunists who kissed the soles of the powerful, beneficiaries of graft who allowed certain companies to prosper and others to flounder, and a leader who showed us that he was above any judiciary system and beyond reproach: Yes, we can.

And so, next month, as we take the battle to Bukit Gantang and Bukit Selambau and Batang Ai, we will remember that there is something happening in Umno, that we are not as divided as our politics suggest, that we are one people, we are one party.

And, together we will begin the next great chapter in the Umno story, with three words that will ring from Peninsular to East Malaysia, from the Straits of Melaka to the South China Sea: Yes, we can.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Umno. Thank you. Thank you.