WASHINGTON, D.C., Apr 28 – Housekeepers working at the St. Regis Hotel in Washington, D.C. during our Prime Minister’s attendance at the Nuclear Security Summit (and his hobnobbing with the famous and fabulous, including a certain Mr. Obama) were aghast by their distinguished guests’ behavior while they stayed at the St. Regis’ private suites.

“Oh yes I remember them. They really went wild with their nightly capers, and I would say some of their requests raised many an eyebrow amongst the housekeeping staff here,” recalled Staunton Brown Hopkins, a stiff-upper-lipped English butler working at the St. Regis.

“I am not at liberty to say what took place, but they did keep the whole wing up with their antics. I shall not say I was not glad to see them leave when they did.”

In a speech to Barisan Nasional supporters in the run-up to Sunday’s Hulu Selangor by-election, the Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak had let his audience know that he had met with former PKR cadres Datuk Seri Zahrain Hashim and Zulkifli Noordin in his room, adding that the two had “exposed” themselves and that he now knew “everything, right down to the underwear.”

According to an aide, Zahrain was so thoroughly disturbed by the whole issue that he still refuses to talk about it with the media. However, this was not the case with Zulkifli, who had been more accommodating with the Malaysian Insider. Despite urging the Malaysian Insider not to “blow things out of proportion,” Zulkifli could not resist giving the sordid details of his meetings with Najib, stopping just short of revealing what verbal foreplay took place, as “all that is between me and the Prime Minister.”

“We discussed so many things. We were there for over a week. After the functions (of the Nuclear Security Summit), which usually finish at around 9.30pm at night, we would go to his room and speak with him about the day’s affairs,” elaborated Zulkifli excitedly.

“Sometimes it is between me and Najib and sometimes it is between Zahrain and Najib or sometimes it is all three of us.”

A housekeeper working at the St. Regis who spoke to the Petai on condition of anonymity alleges there had been at least two occasions when the laundry bags from a private suite contained undergarments with suspicious looking stains.

KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 19 – Throughout the day, the city had been held hostage by protesters protesting against the unfair decision to protest only against the Australians that had been made by UMNO Youth / Pemuda unilaterally without consulting its wholly unaffiliated protesting partners Perkasa, the Barisan National Backbenchers Club, Makkal Sakhthi and MIC Youth.

It is understood that the counter-protests and subsequent counter-counter-protests erupted somewhere along the line after an announcement that Pemuda would protest against the Australians, but not the Americans, citing technical differences which the mobs subsequently forgot in the heat of debate. The Petai also understands that originally the protests had been over a protest note lodged by 50 Australian MPs with the Malaysian High Commission in Canberra over the sodomy trial of de facto opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, which had been described as being both fair and unfair all at the same time by protesters, depending on who you talk to and at what time of the day.

The city of Kuala Lumpur, having been deserted since the week before as workers left the city to celebrate the Chinese New Year holidays, became a battleground for a myriad of protesters from all walks of life.

“Oh I’m not here for the protests. I’m only here to enjoy the wayang kulit,” commented a Chinese Malaysian who gave his name as Kong Fuu Yan. “I’m still on leave actually – it’s not everyday I get to see this side of KL. It’s a festive atmosphere that you have to experience to understand.”

“My mates and I heard the bandits were sacking Aussie property, and we mustered up what men we could after we found out your guys weren’t doing the same thing to the Yanks. Talk about blatant racism! We ‘ave to let ‘em know you don’t mess with Aussies  without getting bitten back! Besides, it’s been a blast with plenty of beer and a barbie…” stuttered a staggering drunkard who was part of a group of rowdy Caucasians who had set up an encampment outside Wisma Putra.

Meanwhile, Perkasa had moved its mobile headquarters (supposedly a dilapidated minivan sequestered from some poor street hawker) to below Pemuda’s headquarters at Jalan Tun Ismail from its earlier location outside the Australian High Commission, and had redeployed its fearsome protest machinery against Pemuda, only to be faced by a protesting Khairy Jamaluddin who insist the decision to not protest against the Americans was not his, and that they were made by a ‘higher up’ who thought American relations were too important to be risked.

In other news, the United States Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had been incensed when she found out President Barack Obama was planning to send her husband Bill as a special envoy to Malaysia to raise American objections against the country’s selective protests against one country but not the others.

“My husband is not the Secretary of State. I am. I will decide who gets to go on overseas missions, and Bill is definitely not out of the dog house yet. Barack needs to have a word with me, and I will give him a piece of my mind, just like how I will give Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib a piece of my mind.

“I heard Datin Rosmah is a fearsome woman. But I’m pretty sure a woman can handle her.”

WISMA PUTRA, Feb 17 – Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak had earlier tasked Wisma Putra to explain the facts pertaining to Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s sodomy case to Australian lawmakers so that they would get a clearer picture of the case. He had done so in the belief that these lawmakers probably did not know the real situation and were acting out according to misguided perceptions and heated passions. The Petai has, with no small difficulty, obtained a very early draft of a speech prepared by Wisma Putra that would be delivered by Foreign Minister Datuk Anifah Aman to Capital Hill, Canberra. The words of the draft, incompletely corrected and edited, can be found below:

Her Excellency the Governor-General

The Honourable Prime Minister

Distinguished Ministers, Senators and House Representatives

G’day mates!

I come here today to talk to you about a pressing issue that has driven a rift between our two great nations. It is actually a non-issue, for I feel relations between our countries, which have never been better, have stood the test of time and will stand this latest test.

Some people from the Australian Labour Party have lied a misperception that Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim has been unfairly persecuted by the Malaysian government for his political beliefs. This is a lie incorrect on two fronts. Firstly, there has never been any persecution of any sort by the Malaysian government. It is always the judiciary who is doing the persecution prosecution. Secondly, my government disagrees that Datuk Seri Anwar has any political beliefs that are beneficial to the country. Rather, his only belief is that he will gain self-satisfaction support from seducing young aides by appealing to public sympathy.

The courts of Malaysia have evidence to suggest that Datuk Seri Anwar has unlawfully penetrated the arse of sodomised a male aide. This is treated as a criminal case, and I am therefore not allowed to deliberate further, for fear of affecting the case’s outcome.

Mates, why let a wanker an indicted criminal destroy relations between us? Is our long-cultivated friendship really worth lesser than a pansy? Let the law deal with him and his perversions. Speaking for myself, I find the whole notion of homosexuality unnatural and detestable, as I’m sure many of you may agree. Those of you who are queers yourself may also find it uncomfortable that a queer has made his sexuality such a public issue. Like Americans, you would also feel a policy of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is more befitting of your unfortunate situation.

We ask therefore that you leave our legal systems alone and cease the lies that you are propagating in your newspapers, or we shall take drastic measures to ensure our sheep citizens do not get influenced by the rhetoric in your press.

I hereby express Malaysia’s sincere hope of continuing our relations beyond this temporary obstacle, and thank you for giving us your time in listening to our story.

A two-tier entry requirement is to be introduced for would-be travelers to the country, Malaysia’s Home Ministry announced recently. This new set of tough measures is aimed at weeding out the negative influence of foreign nationals.

Home Ministry Secretary-General Datuk Seri Mahmood Adam said that the plan, derived and copied wholesale from the US’s two-tier system would eliminate any threats to Malaysia’s culture and leave it as pure as possible.

Dismissing any suggestions that this might put off travelers from coming to the country burdened with slow and long queues at immigration, SG Mahmood countered that the country’s fragile culture and ecosystem would only suffer, weakening further the identity of Malaysians and the indigenous population. Everything was done with the people’s interest in mind, he asserted.

Part of this slew of requirements entail immigration attaches stationed at foreign missions reading the body language of incoming foreign nationals. These specialist officers, trained to lookout for unsavory foreign characters would prevent them from entering the country. Amongst the list of to-be-barred-body language includes foreigners looking sleepily undressed or unshaved men. It was understood that unshaved women would also not be excluded from the list.

According to insiders, this entry requirement is part of a Malaysian-wide project to safeguard the country’s precious culture from foreign attacks. Past initiatives have included considerations of an Internet filter and asserting that nasi lemak belongs to the country.

Former Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohammed reiterated his opinion this morning that the Sept 11 attack on the World Trade Center was staged. He claimed a one-eyed six-inch tall alien spoke to him a few nights ago informing him about the staged attack. Mahathir added that although this six-inch tall alien looked familiar he just could not put his finger on where he had seen it previously.

When queried further about this mysterious six-inch tall alien, Mahathir recounted that he was sleeping, as usual, in his home when he realized that there was some stirring going on under his blanket. He lifted his blanket and, to his horror of horrors, saw a six-inch one-eyed alien staring at him. That was when the alien told him how the attack on the WTC towers was staged.

According to Mahathir, this half a foot alien even flashed images of people planting dynamite to be used for the “controlled demolition” of both towers. Mahathir clarified that although the pictures were not clear, he could still clearly see the men laying dynamite at the WTC because the images were flashed on his sarong.

Mahathir repeated that he was not seeking publicity, and questioned the necessity for publicity since he is not running for Prime Minister-ship. He then turned to the press and with a wink added that he wouldn’t do so “unless you guys want me to [run].”