KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 19 – Throughout the day, the city had been held hostage by protesters protesting against the unfair decision to protest only against the Australians that had been made by UMNO Youth / Pemuda unilaterally without consulting its wholly unaffiliated protesting partners Perkasa, the Barisan National Backbenchers Club, Makkal Sakhthi and MIC Youth.

It is understood that the counter-protests and subsequent counter-counter-protests erupted somewhere along the line after an announcement that Pemuda would protest against the Australians, but not the Americans, citing technical differences which the mobs subsequently forgot in the heat of debate. The Petai also understands that originally the protests had been over a protest note lodged by 50 Australian MPs with the Malaysian High Commission in Canberra over the sodomy trial of de facto opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, which had been described as being both fair and unfair all at the same time by protesters, depending on who you talk to and at what time of the day.

The city of Kuala Lumpur, having been deserted since the week before as workers left the city to celebrate the Chinese New Year holidays, became a battleground for a myriad of protesters from all walks of life.

“Oh I’m not here for the protests. I’m only here to enjoy the wayang kulit,” commented a Chinese Malaysian who gave his name as Kong Fuu Yan. “I’m still on leave actually – it’s not everyday I get to see this side of KL. It’s a festive atmosphere that you have to experience to understand.”

“My mates and I heard the bandits were sacking Aussie property, and we mustered up what men we could after we found out your guys weren’t doing the same thing to the Yanks. Talk about blatant racism! We ‘ave to let ‘em know you don’t mess with Aussies  without getting bitten back! Besides, it’s been a blast with plenty of beer and a barbie…” stuttered a staggering drunkard who was part of a group of rowdy Caucasians who had set up an encampment outside Wisma Putra.

Meanwhile, Perkasa had moved its mobile headquarters (supposedly a dilapidated minivan sequestered from some poor street hawker) to below Pemuda’s headquarters at Jalan Tun Ismail from its earlier location outside the Australian High Commission, and had redeployed its fearsome protest machinery against Pemuda, only to be faced by a protesting Khairy Jamaluddin who insist the decision to not protest against the Americans was not his, and that they were made by a ‘higher up’ who thought American relations were too important to be risked.

In other news, the United States Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had been incensed when she found out President Barack Obama was planning to send her husband Bill as a special envoy to Malaysia to raise American objections against the country’s selective protests against one country but not the others.

“My husband is not the Secretary of State. I am. I will decide who gets to go on overseas missions, and Bill is definitely not out of the dog house yet. Barack needs to have a word with me, and I will give him a piece of my mind, just like how I will give Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib a piece of my mind.

“I heard Datin Rosmah is a fearsome woman. But I’m pretty sure a woman can handle her.”

A two-tier entry requirement is to be introduced for would-be travelers to the country, Malaysia’s Home Ministry announced recently. This new set of tough measures is aimed at weeding out the negative influence of foreign nationals.

Home Ministry Secretary-General Datuk Seri Mahmood Adam said that the plan, derived and copied wholesale from the US’s two-tier system would eliminate any threats to Malaysia’s culture and leave it as pure as possible.

Dismissing any suggestions that this might put off travelers from coming to the country burdened with slow and long queues at immigration, SG Mahmood countered that the country’s fragile culture and ecosystem would only suffer, weakening further the identity of Malaysians and the indigenous population. Everything was done with the people’s interest in mind, he asserted.

Part of this slew of requirements entail immigration attaches stationed at foreign missions reading the body language of incoming foreign nationals. These specialist officers, trained to lookout for unsavory foreign characters would prevent them from entering the country. Amongst the list of to-be-barred-body language includes foreigners looking sleepily undressed or unshaved men. It was understood that unshaved women would also not be excluded from the list.

According to insiders, this entry requirement is part of a Malaysian-wide project to safeguard the country’s precious culture from foreign attacks. Past initiatives have included considerations of an Internet filter and asserting that nasi lemak belongs to the country.

Kuala Lumpur, 15 January 2010

It was reported recently by PM Najib Razak that about 39,000 Indian nationals on tourist visas to Malaysia have gone missing after their visas have expired. Malaysian Home Ministry officials have looked everywhere for them, but have not found them or obtained any positive leads to their whereabouts. When queried about the 2 million “missing” illegal Indonesians in Malaysia, the Home Ministry official flatly denied any knowledge on that matter and replied that he does not even have a single missing Indonesian on his list.

When queried further that any Malaysian, with proper functioning eyes could see that there are gazillions of illegal Indonesians walking around Kuala Lumpur, and that if you were to close your eyes and throw a stone, it would definitely hit an Indonesian, or two, the official stood his ground and firmly made it clear that the Home Ministry, together with the police had done numerous patrols around the KL city area and have never come across one single missing Indonesian. Whenever they question an Indonesian they meet on their patrols, the Indonesian would claim that he is not missing and the authorities would let him go subsequently.

Following that reply, the Home Ministry official made a quick exit from the press conference hall and was seen being driven away in a Mercedes Benz by an Indonesian looking driver.

A portrait of Bendera’s charismatic leader

Cult leader vows that announced hostilities will still take place, just not this week. Or the next.

(TPT) – JAKARTA: There is no more controversial issue in the blogosphere right now than the on-again, off-again ‘Ganyang’ invasion of Malaysia proposed by an Indonesian militant group calling for retribution (in particular, violent death) against Malaysians for various grievances, including the unlawful misappropriation of culture. In this exclusive, our undercover reporter, who had been seconded to us by Kor Risik DiRaja and who is staying alive by sheer wit and the aid of Australian permanent residency papers which lists his / her country of birth as ‘Indonesia,’ gives us a behind-the-scenes look into the radical and delusional fringe movement that is causing an uproar and exacerbating relations between the two peace-loving countries.

Mustar Bonaventura, leader of the amateur terrorist group Benteng Demokrasi Rakyat (Bendera) that had earlier proclaimed a date of 8 Oct for its planned assault of Malaysian soil said that numerous factors have contributed to a delay in the group’s original invasion blueprint. However, he assured his followers in a closed-door speech over the weekend that the ‘Ganyang’ invasion was still on track and set to take place at a time of his choosing. In this report, we bring you highlights of his speech.

“Fellow countrymen, patriots, comrades, brothers and sisters in the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the Malingsian brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas who are doing their best to disrupt the daily lives of their Malingsian employers!

“On behalf of the Bendera Movement, I greet you and congratulate you on your achievements in progressing towards our ultimate goal of invading Malingsia to punish them for their appalling deeds!

“Comrades! Today as we carry out our individual responsibilities towards this greater cause, we do so in difficult conditions. The Malingsians’ treacherous increase in security and the war that they forced upon us have created a threat to our ultimate goal. We have temporarily lost a number of agents, and the enemy has posed a determined front to resist our upcoming invasion.

A rabid supporter of the Bendera movement shows why she means business.

“Comrades! Fear not the determination of Malingsia! Our brave men and women guerrillas are doing their best to prepare the ground for our glorious invasion. They are indoctrinating Malingsians’ children while posing as domestic workers. They are sabotaging construction of key installations with black magic so that these installations will crumble to dust at the wimp of our bomoh troop. They are whipping up delicious food in restaurants so that on D-Day they can poison their Malingsian patrons with dysentery.

“Comrades! Just as our brothers and sisters are relentless in their endeavours behind enemy lines, we too should not neglect our responsibilities towards them. There can be no greater reward for our brothers and sisters in Malingsia than a successful invasion!

“Comrades! Some of you may listen to the enemy’s broadcasts or stumble across propagandist blogs and you may wonder if Bendera was fully committed to its cause. You may feel that the invasion date has been put off for far too many times, and you wonder if Bendera was all talk and no action. Rest assured comrades! Planning and preparation for our ultimate goal is still underway! The dates 8 Oktober and 9 Oktober were set to deceive the enemy, not actual dates. The real date is up here. In my brain. Only I know when the invasion will take place, and everybody else can keep guessing. Every day that we don’t invade are days that we exhaust the enemy from searching the jungles for us. Eventually they will cave in to fatigue and make our job easier for us!

“Comrades! There exists another reason for the delay of our ultimate goal! I have received daily reports from our training section as well as our logistics section. The picture painted by these reports is grim, and shows that we have not been doing our best to prepare for our ultimate goal. We need to speed up the training of archers, cavalry, ninja, militia and bomoh troop! We need to speed up production of busur for our archers! Keris and pedang for our cavalry! Katana for our ninja special forces! Polong to serve at the beck and call of our bomoh troop! Last but not least, we need more landing sampan for our invasion!

“Comrades! There are delays in the planning and preparation phases of our ultimate goal! Some of them are deliberate, while others are issues that will have to be dealt with in order to ensure the success of our invasion! I ask now for everyone’s cooperation, to do our parts for our ultimate goal!

“Fellow countrymen, patriots, comrades, brothers and sisters in the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the Malingsian brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas who are doing their best to disrupt the daily lives of their Malingsian employers!

“The whole world is looking to you as a force capable of destroying the brigand hordes of Malingsians! The enslaved foreign workers of Malingsia under the yoke of the Malingsian slave-drivers are looking to you as their liberators! A great mission of liberation has fallen to your lot!

“Be worthy of this mission! The war you are waging is a war of liberation and justice, a just war! Let the victorious banner of Bendera fly over your heads!

“Utter destruction to the Malingsia brigands!

“Death to the Malingsia slave-drivers!

“Long live our glorious motherland, her freedom, her independence and her culture!

“Under the banner of Bendera – onward to victory!”

More Petai coverage of the much-delayed ‘Ganyang’ invasion can be found here

Bendera militant demonstrating why Malaysian bullets will not stop him.

Minister assures Non-Malays that move is unrelated to upcoming by-election

(TPT) – PUTRAJAYA: Home Minister and former UMNO Youth chief Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein announced today that the Panca Warisan keris would be put back into service in defence of the country ahead of threats from an Indonesian group to invade Malaysia on 8 Oct.

“The Panca Warisan will defend Malaysians – all Malaysians, including Malays, Chinese, Indians, Eurasians, Peranakan and even Orang Asli, from the careless and naïve actions of these hooligans who think they can invade our country anytime they like.

“They believe that samurai swords, ninja sticks, sharpened bamboo poles and black magic practitioners are sufficient to invade this land. Well I have something to say to these immature provocateurs – semangat keris Panca Warisan dan Negaraku akan mengatasi apa-apa yang awak boleh membuang ke arahan sini, kerana kami betul dan awak salah.”

Datuk Seri Hishammuddin proceeded to utter something that sounded like “ne-nenenene.”

“I want to stress to the Non-Malays of Bagan Pinang that this measure has been deemed necessary by the Home Ministry as the semangat inside the Panca Warisan has the ability to counteract the black magic used by Bendera bomoh and dukun. It has nothing to do with the 11 Oct by-elections in Bagan Pinang.”.

On 25 Sep, it had been reported in the Jakarta Globe that a group of vigilantes calling themselves the “Bentang Demokrasi Rakyat” (the People’s Democratic Defence or Bendera) had planned to invade Malaysia today over – amongst others – territorial disputes, alleged abuses of migrant workers, national anthems, a Balinese dance, food and batik. Supposedly, its members, which is estimated to number some 1,500 and have been given combat and mage training over 2 sessions in Jakarta, will infiltrate Malaysian airports with an assortment of weapons specially treated with black magic so as to be invisible to X-ray.

Datuk Seri Hishammuddin declaring war against Bendera.

The Panca Warisan is a keris that had been first wielded by Datuk Seri Hishammuddin at the 2005 UMNO Annual General Assembly during his tenure as UMNO Youth chief and had since come to be an everlasting symbol of protection for Malaysians of all races. It had been brought out at successive UMNO assemblies to reaffirm UMNO Youth’s commitment to unity and the protection of all Malaysians before its retirement in Mar 09 when Datuk Seri Hishammuddin stepped down from his position at UMNO Youth, as it had been accumulating too many years of service for it to still be considered youthful.

In other news, a group of Ibans have been heard to express disappointment with the Home Minister’s announcement as he had apparently forgotten to mention that the Panca Warisan’s protective powers applied to the Ibans as well.

”Sometimes I don’t feel like we’re treated as citizens of this country. Moreover, we actually have a common border with these invading Bendera hordes and are the first line of defence against them,” lamented an Iban elder who did not wished to be named.

More information on the dastardly scheming of the Bendera thugs hoping to invade Malaysia can be found in the video below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSLRMkDceRw

Jakarta, Sept 17 – Deputy Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin added more fuel into the Indonesia-Malayisa cultural dispute by declaring that corruption by politicians and civil servants was not solely a monopoly in both Malaysia and Indonesia but also shared by many other countries in the world.

This was in response by Transparency International’s special report on levels of corruption in Indonesia.

“I do not understand what the report is saying or specially giving attention to Indonesia. Quite clearly Malaysia’s level of corruption could easily surmount Indonesia especially if we really tried our best to”, said Muhyiddin who eagerly brandished pictures of former Selangor Mentri Besar Khir Toyo’s RM24 million palatial mansion as evidence. “There is no way a Chief Minister could have earned enough to buy such a house” added Muhyiddin “In fact the MACC’s investigations of him will definitely give us the details of the extent of his corruption – trust me it will be sick, despicable and right down disgusting to even the most ardent Indonesian”.

Admitting that he has only amassed RM120 million in ill-gotten gains since his early days as a politician, Muhyiddin stated that given his current high office as Deputy Prime Minister, “corruption of RM1 billion or more is a matter of time rather than a mere possibility”.

The Jakarta Post had earlier reported on masses of Indonesians proudly protesting outside the Malaysian embassy barefooted in rags to show how much their politicians had stolen from them while President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe was curious as to why Malaysia and Indonesia will be challenging each other for ownership of the “Corruption” title.

“I can’t see what the fuss is about really, these two countries are indeed small fries in the corruption game. Personally I stolen so much that the currency is worthless and the country is in complete financial ruin – what is more is that I still have a long way to go even before I’m done”.

Reports indicate that Foreign Minister Datuk Anifah Aman is already planning a trip to Africa to “learn from the very best” and has already diverted a MAS plane for his personal use.

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak offers to use Malaysian Maritime Enforcement Agency’s Amfibi Bombardier CL415 to carry out water bombing and help Indonesia put out its forest fires. We ask Malaysians on their opinion of this story

Ahmad Zakaria, 28 (Rembau, Negeri Sembilan) - “Yes my company was awarded a RM3 million contract to put out the forest fires but as we have no planes or trained personnel, we welcome the government’s efforts.”

Alex Lim, 25 (Nilam Puri, Kelantan) - “I hope we charge them more than 3 sen per gallon.”

Z. Sathyaseelan, 77 (Santan, Perlis) “I thought relations are getting worse. We better ask for permission first if not they might shoot our plane down.”

Abdul Sitawak, 12 (Bintulu, Sarawak) - “Bomb them back to Stone Age, I have enough of those Indons coming in and stealing our camp fires.”

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“It is for their own good, says minister”

(TPT) – MALACCA: The Human Resources Ministry will work closely with the Home Ministry to ensure that the estimated 70,000 Bangladeshi workers expected to enter the country are only allowed to work in the forest.

Human Resources Minister Datuk Dr S. Super Man Yam said the authorities would ensure that the foreigners do not work in sectors where a freeze has been imposed by the Government.  There are two sectors in which we have not frozen, the forestery and oceanic. “Since we are all very aware that Bangladeshis cunt swim, we have no other option but to direct them towards the forestery industry”, said the minister. Chuckling he added that “no wonder there are no Olympic swimmers from Bangladesh”.

A barber, Arif bin Takut Bini is very happy with the new ruling. He has been having sleepless nights since the Bangladeshis, more stylishly known as Banglas locally, have moved in to work in an area behind his house. His wife has been endlessly washing dishes after dishes, day and night since the Banglas moved in. Arif suspects that his wife is using the washing as an excuse to ogle at the Shah Rukh Khan-lookalikes who are strutting around behind his house. He also complained that his expenses for dish washing detergent has gone up three folds due to his wife “extra curricular activities” and it is really eating into his house budget.

If this move really comes to fruition, seeing Banglas around us would be a thing of the past – we might have to go to the forest to view them.