WASHINGTON, D.C., Apr 28 – Housekeepers working at the St. Regis Hotel in Washington, D.C. during our Prime Minister’s attendance at the Nuclear Security Summit (and his hobnobbing with the famous and fabulous, including a certain Mr. Obama) were aghast by their distinguished guests’ behavior while they stayed at the St. Regis’ private suites.

“Oh yes I remember them. They really went wild with their nightly capers, and I would say some of their requests raised many an eyebrow amongst the housekeeping staff here,” recalled Staunton Brown Hopkins, a stiff-upper-lipped English butler working at the St. Regis.

“I am not at liberty to say what took place, but they did keep the whole wing up with their antics. I shall not say I was not glad to see them leave when they did.”

In a speech to Barisan Nasional supporters in the run-up to Sunday’s Hulu Selangor by-election, the Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak had let his audience know that he had met with former PKR cadres Datuk Seri Zahrain Hashim and Zulkifli Noordin in his room, adding that the two had “exposed” themselves and that he now knew “everything, right down to the underwear.”

According to an aide, Zahrain was so thoroughly disturbed by the whole issue that he still refuses to talk about it with the media. However, this was not the case with Zulkifli, who had been more accommodating with the Malaysian Insider. Despite urging the Malaysian Insider not to “blow things out of proportion,” Zulkifli could not resist giving the sordid details of his meetings with Najib, stopping just short of revealing what verbal foreplay took place, as “all that is between me and the Prime Minister.”

“We discussed so many things. We were there for over a week. After the functions (of the Nuclear Security Summit), which usually finish at around 9.30pm at night, we would go to his room and speak with him about the day’s affairs,” elaborated Zulkifli excitedly.

“Sometimes it is between me and Najib and sometimes it is between Zahrain and Najib or sometimes it is all three of us.”

A housekeeper working at the St. Regis who spoke to the Petai on condition of anonymity alleges there had been at least two occasions when the laundry bags from a private suite contained undergarments with suspicious looking stains.

Fear strikes the hearts of Perak State Assemblymen entering the state assembly; Nizar calls it “an insult to democratic principles and processes”.

DEWAN RAKYAT, Tues Mar 30 – Former Perak Menteri Besar Mohammad Nizar Jamaluddin spoke nervously to The Petai after the state assembly sitting this morning in Ipoh, clearly traumatized by the experience during the morning’s events Police personnel were standing “in a threatening manner” and clearly blocking the way for a number of Perak Assemblymen who were anxious to get into the state assembly to get a good seat. Dr. Zambry Abdul Kadir was also asked by The Petai on how he felt about the atmospherics in the first sitting following the Federal Court ruling confirming his appointment as Perak Menteri Besar.

“I think it is impossible to hold our sitting under such circumstances, it was like when I was a little boy watching Sumpah Pontianak and the Pontianak was just about to creep into room… I cannot be making important policy decisions if I spend half the time covering my eyes” said Nizar. “How can we say that the proceedings are democratic if every time an Assemblyman was to go to the toilet, at least three other Assemblymen would have to accompany him because he is scared.”

“It feels distinctly evil, I felt a strong presence of danger and when I turned my head… I think I saw something running from the corner of the chambers.” Dr. Zambry recounted what he had felt with chills running down his spine.

The Royal Malaysian Police were out in full strength, including members of the elite Special (Ghostbusters) Branch who on all fours trying to narrow down the sources of fear that had spread through Perak’s highest legislative council. ASP Osman Hashim shared that the police were looking closely at the matter and if need be would use “all means necessary, including the ISA” when they locate the source of evil.

Lim Ah Tee, a Batu Gajah resident who was seen near the site, commented that he was distinctly spooked by the sight of so many Police Officers standing around the Perak State Assembly building.

“I read that most of the police will be deployed to Ipoh for the State Assembly sitting so I thought it might be safer to go there too since there will be very few policemen left to patrol the streets of Batu Gajah”.

Even with the overwhelming presence of Police Officers in the building, other State Assemblymen were quoted as being “frightened” and “worried”. Hee Yit Foong, an independent State Assemblywoman stated the only time she felt more scared was when crowds were calling for her to quit her seat after resigning from the DAP.

Indeed, the sense of fear continued even as the sitting commenced. When everybody was told to sit down and get ready for the royal address, there was only one Speaker of the House but two very different voices were heard calling the sitting to order. It turned out the Speaker of the House had split into two and possessed two people; V. Sivakumar (DAP-Tronoh) and Datuk R.Ganesan (MIC). With both Speakers shouting at each other to vacate the position, the sitting was soon disrupted.

Timeline: Perak State Assembly – Climate of Fear
0900H	Independent assemblymen Jamaluddin Mohd Radzi and Mohd Osman Jailu arrive at the State Assembly carpark in a Mercedes Benz car driven by Jamaluddin. Both Jamaluddin and Mohd Osman both have black eyes, evidenced by their inability to get enough sleep because of fear.
0910H	Three teams of Special (Ghostbuster) Branch officers gather outside the gates clad in their distinct blue uniform and red protective helmets. Apparently research has shown that Fear “fears” such a combination of colours.
0920H	Ten minutes to go to the opening of the sitting and the two possessed bodies (V.Sivakumar and R.Ganesan) of the Perak State Assembly Speaker are seen quarrelling with one another in the Speaker robes just inside the gates. Former menteri besar Mohammad Nizar Jamaludding covers his eyes at the sight of the commotion.
0943H	Hee Yit Foong takes her seat and is accompanied by seven attentive SB officers who hold up their shields in unison; as she is the Deputy Speaker – there are fears that she might suffer the same affliction affecting Sivakumar and Ganesan.
1000H	The Speaker calls for the commencement – but two voices heard. Dr. Zambry Abdul Kadir is seen shivering in fear as he thinks that the voices are coming from inside his head.
1029H	Thomas Su (DAP Assemblyman) felt someone tapping on his shoulder but when he turns… he sees nobody.
1034H	Saiful Adli Mohd Arshad (UMNO Perak State Youth Chief) denies tapping on Thomas Su. He lodges a police report at that accusation and sues for RM 100 million and threatens Thomas with a MACC investigation.
1109H	Four State Assemblymen go to the toilet together. One comes back and reports a leaking tap somewhere in the house but they can’t find the source.
1200H	SB (G) officers lined up in anti-fear formation in front of locals who are grouping outside the Assembly building to take a peek. Two potential sources of fear were set upon and beaten but both cases turned out to be false alarms. Twenty of the locals were brought into custody for further questioning as they seemed “a little fearful”.
1345H	Tear gas unleashed on possible sources of fear around the State Assembly. The Police believe that tear gas have the ability to disperse fear and lobs it as much as possible. Water cannons were not used as there were “not enough fear” to warrant such methods.
1459H	A much postponed Opening Address sees appearance of a mysterious short green man with pointy ears who warns against Fear: “Fear is the path to the dark side, Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to hate, Hate leads to suffering”. Pandemonium breaks out at the backbenchers.
1548H	A wrestling match occurs with Assemblymen from both BN and Pakatan Rakyat hitting each other to drive “the fear out of each other”. Such unity across party lines and efforts to help each other has seldom been seen in any Malaysian legislative assemblies.
1623H	Policemen also joined into the melee in order to help restore calmness. Pakatan Rakyat Assemblymen are dealt with more strongly as ASP Osman Hashim sensed that “there is much fear in them”.
1700H	BN and Pakatan Rakyat Assemblymen hold separate sittings within the State Assembly building. An eerie sense of calmness reigned at the separate sittings. Nobody shouted at each other anymore and everyone seemed more relaxed.

KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 4  – A former Special Officer to the Prime Minister who had resigned following racist remarks he allegedly made at a 1Malaysia seminar in Melaka has found employment with the Home Ministry. He is slated to become a Special Officer in charge of the Home Ministry’s public relations.

Speaking at an emergency conference after an uproar from the media following the announcement of his new appointment, the Special Officer defended his ability to carry out his duties, adding that the remarks he allegedly made were his own personal views, and that this was not an issue in deciding whether he was qualified to be the spokesperson of the Home Ministry. Moreover, he was more than capable of distinguishing national policy from his opinions.

“This is just my 2 cents, but I still feel I was right in calling the Indians “pendatang” (migrants). We should revoke their citizenships and deport them back to India if they demand equal rights. Of course this is just my view and not the government’s.”

The Special Officer also revealed that he was made to apologise publicly because “Rosmah threatened to sit on me if I don’t.” He clarified that he was not apologetic at all about what he said, and that the apology was made only because he had done something inconsistent with government policy.

KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 19 – Throughout the day, the city had been held hostage by protesters protesting against the unfair decision to protest only against the Australians that had been made by UMNO Youth / Pemuda unilaterally without consulting its wholly unaffiliated protesting partners Perkasa, the Barisan National Backbenchers Club, Makkal Sakhthi and MIC Youth.

It is understood that the counter-protests and subsequent counter-counter-protests erupted somewhere along the line after an announcement that Pemuda would protest against the Australians, but not the Americans, citing technical differences which the mobs subsequently forgot in the heat of debate. The Petai also understands that originally the protests had been over a protest note lodged by 50 Australian MPs with the Malaysian High Commission in Canberra over the sodomy trial of de facto opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, which had been described as being both fair and unfair all at the same time by protesters, depending on who you talk to and at what time of the day.

The city of Kuala Lumpur, having been deserted since the week before as workers left the city to celebrate the Chinese New Year holidays, became a battleground for a myriad of protesters from all walks of life.

“Oh I’m not here for the protests. I’m only here to enjoy the wayang kulit,” commented a Chinese Malaysian who gave his name as Kong Fuu Yan. “I’m still on leave actually – it’s not everyday I get to see this side of KL. It’s a festive atmosphere that you have to experience to understand.”

“My mates and I heard the bandits were sacking Aussie property, and we mustered up what men we could after we found out your guys weren’t doing the same thing to the Yanks. Talk about blatant racism! We ‘ave to let ‘em know you don’t mess with Aussies  without getting bitten back! Besides, it’s been a blast with plenty of beer and a barbie…” stuttered a staggering drunkard who was part of a group of rowdy Caucasians who had set up an encampment outside Wisma Putra.

Meanwhile, Perkasa had moved its mobile headquarters (supposedly a dilapidated minivan sequestered from some poor street hawker) to below Pemuda’s headquarters at Jalan Tun Ismail from its earlier location outside the Australian High Commission, and had redeployed its fearsome protest machinery against Pemuda, only to be faced by a protesting Khairy Jamaluddin who insist the decision to not protest against the Americans was not his, and that they were made by a ‘higher up’ who thought American relations were too important to be risked.

In other news, the United States Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had been incensed when she found out President Barack Obama was planning to send her husband Bill as a special envoy to Malaysia to raise American objections against the country’s selective protests against one country but not the others.

“My husband is not the Secretary of State. I am. I will decide who gets to go on overseas missions, and Bill is definitely not out of the dog house yet. Barack needs to have a word with me, and I will give him a piece of my mind, just like how I will give Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib a piece of my mind.

“I heard Datin Rosmah is a fearsome woman. But I’m pretty sure a woman can handle her.”

WISMA PERTAHANAN, Feb 17 – The Malaysian Armed Forces has announced another innovation to add to its arsenal of fearsome weapons, including a submarine that cannot dive and an airplane that cannot fly, that it plans to deploy against foreign aggressors.

“Just like the submarine, the tank is a psychological weapon as much as it is a weapons platform. The mere presence of a submarine is enough to drive panic into the enemy’s navy, and likewise, the presence of a tank is enough to scatter the enemy’s infantry,” said a flustered Defence Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi who had been responding to queries regarding a flaw in the engines of Malaysia’s PT-91M main battle tank that rendered it immobile.

“The problems with the engines of our PT-91M is nothing to worry about. It is not totally immobile because of this. We can still move our tanks atop tank carriers specially modified from container trucks.

“Our Army has found it necessary to make adjustments to our fighting techniques in light of this situation, and these adjustments have been found to be satisfactory.”

When pressed for details on the adjustments, Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad could not elaborate further, reasoning that doing so contravened national security concerns. He would only allow that tank crews have been instructed to hold fast onto their positions in the face of enemy fire and to fight to the very end. The Petai feels that this is not a very challenging prospect given that the tanks themselves are immobile.

KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 8 – The masterminds behind Friday’s protest against the trial of the de facto leader of an imploding Opposition Coalition have declared the event a success, despite an abysmal turnout of a little over 30 participants, most of whom had been party cadres.

“What do you mean ‘if we are satisfied about the turnout’? Today’s turnout is great! This is just the beginning of a new lineup of events we have planned to free our leader,” replied Tian Chua, the party’s Communications Czar, in response to a question from a reporter.

He also dismissed another reporter when she remarked that the protest, which took place outside the Federal Territory Mosque, lasted a mere 10 minutes before participants retired to a nearby mamak stall to wrap up the event with rounds of teh tarik.

“We ended early because we found out the case was adjourned to Monday. We needed to conserve our energy as this is a long and grueling battle for truth, justice and the Malaysian way. The future is being fought over in this trial, and it is important that we ration our resources so that we do not succumb to fatigue like the evil UMNOputras want us to.”

The Czar also revealed that Monday will see another round of protest, and that reinforcements will be bussed in from outside Selangor, as ‘city people are just too apathetic.’

Update on 8/2: Since the case had been adjourned indefinitely after the Opposition Leader’s legal team moved to dismiss the judge, the Petai understands that the planned protests had been called off and in its absence the Coalition will be hosting muck-slinging matches to accommodate its infighting members. One wonders if there is still a Coalition left for the Leader to lead should he ever get out of his legal mess.

WISMA PERTAHANAN, Feb 8 – A ‘tired and emotional’ Defence Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi assured Malaysians that his ministry was doing everything it could to prevent a recurrence of leakages of national secrets to foreign countries.

“Fortunately for Malaysia, we have a ‘lean and mean’ intelligence team that managed to nab the culprits before too much damage was done.

We are examining security at all levels in the ministry and are putting in place measures to remedy the situation. We may be ‘a day late and a dollar short,’ but it’s ‘better to be late than never.’”

One of the measures proposed by Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad to combat the ‘cloak and dagger’ international arena was the installation of a hall of mirrors and a smoke generator in his office.

“Essentially we are employing a ‘smoke and mirrors’ strategy against would-be enemies. I can guarantee you that foreign agents who enter my office with the intent of stealing our secrets will be caught in a situation of ‘between the devil and the deep blue sea.’

There is no where for them to run or hide in this game of ‘cat and mouse.’ We will catch them and we will crush them. There is no room for errors, and there can only be ‘the quick and the dead’ when ‘all is said and done.’”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also noted that it was important to react firmly to this latest crisis embroiling the Defence Ministry as security issues were its ‘bread and butter,’ and that this crisis was ‘one too many’ in the wake of the theft of the Air Force’s F-5 jet engines.

As for the foreign agents who were ‘caught with their fingers in the cookie jar,’ he said that the Malaysian government has decided to practice a policy of ‘live and let live,’ but that his ministry would ‘take no prisoners’ in its treatment of similar cases in the future.

“I have this message to foreign agents who think they can outsmart us: ‘fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’”

The Petai notes that Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad had been punctuating his press conference with plenty of air quotes, and that military men in the room have been struggling to keep a straight face.

KUALA LUMPUR , Dec 24 (TPT) – Drastic action will be taken against anyone convicted of committing treasonous acts against the state, Defence Minister Datuk Seri Ahmad Zahid Hamidi said during an emergency meeting with the Armed Forces Chiefs this morning. This may or may not include the summary trial and execution of traitors found guilty of mishandling or selling state property to commercial or sovereign interests.

“We must purge those found guilty of treason or negligence from our armed forces. Ministry of Defence employees and servicemen will be processed by a military tribunal and those convicted of crimes with malicious or monetary intent will be executed by firing squad, while the negligent will be detained for up to 80 years in the Gulag – err I mean Kamunting.”

Datuk Seri Zahid called for the emergency session at Wisma Pertahanan after it emerged that a copy of the Ministry of Defence’s war plans had been found on sale on Ebay. The Petai understands that a listing on Ebay.com.my had been started by the seller “rosmahismyqueen” which portends to sell photocopies of the sensitive papers, and that these have been bought anonymously for a very reasonable price of RM 9.99, while their contents have subsequently been made available on the public domain through Wikipedia.

“This is a grave breach of security and a major embarrassment to Malaysia. We have become a laughing stock in ASEAN as a result of this act of treason. Now everyone knows about our contingency plans and a lot of man-hours will be wasted on re-drafting the plans again,” lamented an exasperated Datuk Seri Zahid.

According to the Petai’s foreign correspondence teams from across ASEAN, a collective howl of laughter could be heard from regional defence ministries after it was learnt that the Malaysian Armed Forces’ war plans called for a simultaneous pre-emptive invasion of neighboring threats.

“Oh you Malaysians are priceless! Taking the whole of Kalimantan? Who would’ve thought it possible!” stuttered a source between sobs of laughter who wanted to be known only as “PY”.

“Yeah right, as if driving up to Bangkok from Kedah is a cakewalk!” exclaimed a “PW”.

According to Datuk Seri Zahid, cost saving measures will be put in place during the witch hunt for traitors. These include having mass trials before kangaroo courts to save on legal costs, having condemned prisoners dig their own graves prior to their execution to save on undertakers’ fees, and placing Kamunting detainees on forced labor details to earn their keep. Executioners will also be subject to KPI requirements to ensure their efficiency as they carry out their grim duties.

Kuala Lumpur, 23 December 2009

The Royal Malaysian Navy (RMN) today announced that they have in place several measures to counter incidents like those happened in the Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF). Submarine Squadron Commander, Kapt. Selam bin Timbul said that the navy drew up such measures even before they took delivery of the submarine. He said that the navy was aware of such trickery and deceit going on, not only in the armed forces, but down the ministries as well as the divisions.

The RMN learnt this tough lesson back in the 1960s when navy ships docked at harbor had their propellers stolen. The navy then came up with the brilliant idea of dismantling the propellers and locking it in the store room when their ships were in port. Since then, there have been no thefts of any propellers.

Once again the Malaysian Navy has come up with a brilliant idea of countering incidents like the missing jet engine in the RMAF. Kapt. Selam said that this is an original Malaysian idea and hopes that other countries would not steal their idea. The navy has decided to go back to basics and use sail and the wind to propel their submarine incase their engine is stolen also. Kapt Selam added proudly, “Let’s see if the thieves can steal the wind from us”.

KUALA LUMPUR , Dec 18 (TPT) – Malaysian Prime Minister’s wife Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor will be hosting “The Biggest Malaysian Loser” next year. This show will be quite different from what we have witnessed on our television. Rosmah will be gathering a number of cabinet ministers and will have a series of events like a general quiz, on the spot question, do you know your Malaysia questions etc for them.  There will be a round robin initially, after which they would be paired up where the elimination round would start.

The rules are quite simple (so that our ministers can follow and understand), one point would be awarded for one correct answer and no points for wrong answer. They cannot look to the Prime Minister for help or divert attention by blaming the opposition for some non-consequential event.

After a 10-week grueling test, there would be only one winner – the prize is that he can keep his job. The rest would be sent back home, or back to their previous job before they became ministers.

Stay tuned to Petai for more information on this show.