Bendera militant demonstrating why Malaysian bullets will not stop him.

Minister assures Non-Malays that move is unrelated to upcoming by-election

(TPT) – PUTRAJAYA: Home Minister and former UMNO Youth chief Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein announced today that the Panca Warisan keris would be put back into service in defence of the country ahead of threats from an Indonesian group to invade Malaysia on 8 Oct.

“The Panca Warisan will defend Malaysians – all Malaysians, including Malays, Chinese, Indians, Eurasians, Peranakan and even Orang Asli, from the careless and naïve actions of these hooligans who think they can invade our country anytime they like.

“They believe that samurai swords, ninja sticks, sharpened bamboo poles and black magic practitioners are sufficient to invade this land. Well I have something to say to these immature provocateurs – semangat keris Panca Warisan dan Negaraku akan mengatasi apa-apa yang awak boleh membuang ke arahan sini, kerana kami betul dan awak salah.”

Datuk Seri Hishammuddin proceeded to utter something that sounded like “ne-nenenene.”

“I want to stress to the Non-Malays of Bagan Pinang that this measure has been deemed necessary by the Home Ministry as the semangat inside the Panca Warisan has the ability to counteract the black magic used by Bendera bomoh and dukun. It has nothing to do with the 11 Oct by-elections in Bagan Pinang.”.

On 25 Sep, it had been reported in the Jakarta Globe that a group of vigilantes calling themselves the “Bentang Demokrasi Rakyat” (the People’s Democratic Defence or Bendera) had planned to invade Malaysia today over – amongst others – territorial disputes, alleged abuses of migrant workers, national anthems, a Balinese dance, food and batik. Supposedly, its members, which is estimated to number some 1,500 and have been given combat and mage training over 2 sessions in Jakarta, will infiltrate Malaysian airports with an assortment of weapons specially treated with black magic so as to be invisible to X-ray.

Datuk Seri Hishammuddin declaring war against Bendera.

The Panca Warisan is a keris that had been first wielded by Datuk Seri Hishammuddin at the 2005 UMNO Annual General Assembly during his tenure as UMNO Youth chief and had since come to be an everlasting symbol of protection for Malaysians of all races. It had been brought out at successive UMNO assemblies to reaffirm UMNO Youth’s commitment to unity and the protection of all Malaysians before its retirement in Mar 09 when Datuk Seri Hishammuddin stepped down from his position at UMNO Youth, as it had been accumulating too many years of service for it to still be considered youthful.

In other news, a group of Ibans have been heard to express disappointment with the Home Minister’s announcement as he had apparently forgotten to mention that the Panca Warisan’s protective powers applied to the Ibans as well.

”Sometimes I don’t feel like we’re treated as citizens of this country. Moreover, we actually have a common border with these invading Bendera hordes and are the first line of defence against them,” lamented an Iban elder who did not wished to be named.

More information on the dastardly scheming of the Bendera thugs hoping to invade Malaysia can be found in the video below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSLRMkDceRw

TPT (Kuala Lumpur), 2 September 2009: Samy Vellu Sangalimuthu has declared that he will stay on as MIC President till 2012 to complete his full term in office before handing over the reins to his deputy. According to Samy, this is the request from branch and divisional leaders. Something is very wrong with this picture, somebody has his head in the sand and is completely unaware of what is wanted and what is going on above ground.

But all jokes aside, Samy has actually brought some fame and did make Malaysia popular on several fronts. Let’s list down the things that he is best known for and can be remembered for:

1. Perseverance - Served under 3 Prime Minister
2. Stylist – Weirdest hairdo
3. Skin care – Thickest skin in Malaysia
4. Fight inflation - Could make a RM10 million bridge cost RM30 million.
5. Magician – Made millions in Maika holdings disappear.

We Malaysians are very polite people, I guess if all else fails in getting the message across to Samy that he is not wanted anymore, what we can do is hang some notices in his office so that we can gently get the message across to him. The cartoon in this column can be a good start, maybe our readers can add more on the message that they want to send to our beloved Samy.

TPT (Selangor), 31 August 2009:

Mee Bakso would be in short supply for the next 3 months, a spokesperson for the Legal Association of Malaysia Beef Suppliers (LAMBS) was quoted as saying. Speculation was rife that the shortfall was in relation to the sudden spike in demand for cow heads.

Earlier, LAMBS President Datuk Mohd Lem Bu bin Yusof had hinted of a sharp rise in prices when he announced that demand had gone up by at least 288% over the weekend, a phenomenon unheard of the past 5 years in cow-loving Malaysia. Although just after the Komantha Pooja ritual celebrated by Hindus throughout the country, Datul Mohd Lem Bu professed ignorance to the demand spike, “I don’t know why the demand has gone up suddenly ok? I only know my suppliers are asking for more cow heads. And don’t burn your beef!” he warned.

A memo anonymously sent to cow farmers all over the country was retrieved by this paper just yesterday. The note had called for farmers to verify that customers would not be burning beef for no reason at all other than personal consumption. All overdone beef was to be returned especially cow heads. Poorly skilled cooks would not be exempted from this rule.

According to Mak Fatimah, a famous mee bakso hawker along Jalan Section 23, complaints have been steadily coming in from irate customers missing out on their dishes. This was compounded with rumours suggesting that cow-heads were deliberately overdone near a temple gathering. Mak Fatimah threw her hands up in disgust: “Daging lembu sudah tak cukup, now they overcook the beef some more and main-main. Gilalah those people!”

A LAMBS spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous further said that prices and supply would not be returning to past levels by the next quarter. However, steps would be proactively taken to ensure that Malaysians would get their mee bakso. A special commission spanning the country’s cow farmers has already been set up to look into this. It is unsure if executive councilor Dr Xavier Jayekumar was included in the committee. At press time, there were no replies on questions posed by this paper to the committee.

(TPT) Bangkok: Health Minister Datuk Seri Liow Tiong Lai created an international scandal between Indonesia and Malaysia at a pre-meeting press conference during an ASEAN special Health Ministers meet to discuss on the H1N1 pandemic. When asked by our reporter on what were Malaysia’s measures against the H1N1 pandemic, Datuk Seri Liow replied that “You should actually direct the question towards the Agriculture and Agro-Based Industry Minister as he in charge of the farm animals.”

As the gathered global press first smirked at the joke, there was a short murmur that went across the room when they noticed that Datuk Seri Liow was indeed serious in his answer. Referring to his prepared script and use of a nearby projector, he then pointed to a picture of what looked like a small horse.

“Extensive research by our Ministry’s scientists has narrowed down the breakout of this pandemic to be caused by the mating of male horse and a female donkey. The outcome of such a union is also known as hinny. As it is already reported in the news, this animal has been traced back to Mexico which we understand to be hosting a huge donkey population which is used for rides by fat American tourists on beaches.”

When Thai Public Health Minister Witthaya Kaewparadai attempted to correct Datuk Seri Liow as the other ASEAN health ministers quickly ruffled through their own prepared notes, the Malaysian Health Minister then proceeded to demonstrate how easily a hinny can be conceived by imitating a horse on top of a rather reluctant “donkey” in the form of Indonesian Health Minister Siti Fadillah Supari.

“Yee Haw and hee haw on Eeyore and out comes a hinny. If I was indeed a strong stallion then Siti here would have easily have hinny”.

After the initial pandemonium and realization that H1N1 should have read as H-One-N-One rather than Hinny, Datuk Seri Liow left the conference room without further comment. At press-time, the Indonesian authorities was noted to have submitted a third party note together in a box of hinny “dirt”.

(TPT) Selangor: Dr Mohd Khir Toyo has refuted allegations that his partially-completed house, known as Istana Toyo is worth only RM 20 million. The allegations were made by DAP’s Ng Suee Lim this week, who had brought a group of construction experts to view the partially finished mansion. <span class=”fullpost”>

“No, it’s not just RM 20 million. How can it be only 20 million?” The ex-Selangor Menteri Besar questioned this paper. “Who are those construction industry experts that Ng guy brought to see, they know their stuff or not?”

According to reports, DAP member Ng Suee Lim had earlier this week brought a group of ‘construction industry experts’ to verify the cost of Khir Toyo’s mansion. He had presumably done so in order to expose Khir Toyo’s charges of corruption.

“That’s why I say he is only Standard Six, dia tak boleh faham lah. Anyone knows it’s more than RM 20 million. My roof alone costs how much you know – RM 500,000” he further chides this paper. “What can RM 20 million buy these days – you tell me, what can 20 million buy – a few Ramly burgers?” as Khir continues his barrage, unable to contain his outrage.

When pressed on the full price of Istana Toyo, Dr Mohd Khir was however unable to give specific figures. He only pointed out that his wife, Datin Seri Zahrah Kechik, Ex-President of Balkis (Wives of Selangor State Assemblymen and MPs’ Charity and Welfare Organisation) was responsible for all decisions concerning the house.

“You know lah, women, they like to choose this and that. I let her decide on these small issues”, Khir finally reveals. “Anyway she earned some money from her wives association some time back – so she got to choose the house”.

“By the way, have you seen the pink curtains she picked for the rooftop garden?”

Istana Toyo would be open for general viewing come end of the year. Admission charges are yet to be finalized although it was said Ng might be employed as a consultant to the estate.

Kuala Lumpur, June 26 – It has been widely reported that the Prime Minister’s wife Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor will be launching the start of the Malaysian Mega Sales next month. It will start on Jul 4 and bash all the way to 31 Aug to coincide with our National Day.

Malaysian Tourism Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ng Yen Yen (whose name has a very currency ring to it) has mentioned that they could not have chosen a better spending icon than the PM’s wife to kick-off such a event. Besides Imelda Marcos, there is no better person that comes to mind besides Rosmah.  She is one of  the only few people in the world we know who is able to spend way way above her husband’s take-home pay and yet some how manage to juggle the household expenditure. Yen Yen mentioned that she is amazed at how DS Rosmah is able to manage this and added that she might have ‘magic hands’. Yen Yen than suggested that Malaysian wives should try to emulate DS Rosmah when handling the husband’s income and the household expenditure.

DS Rosmah who was at the National Art Gallery in Kuala Lumpur for the “Wiraku Patriotisme” children programme commented that she can’t wait to “blow open” the Mega Sales. She immediately and sheepishly corrected herself and said, “sorry, open, open the Mega Sales”. However, one thing is for sure, if DS Rosmah is present, things will get explosive – there will be fireworks display that night at the Pavillion.

Yen Yen stated that she is hoping that people around the world would come to Malaysia to spend during this Mega Sales period stating “our doors are open, of course, except for illegal Indonesian and Bangla workers, the rest are welcome”. Who knows, it might even entice Rosmah’s brother, Rosmanuddin bin Mansor who has ran away from the country (according to Youtube clip “Rosmah perempuan pusaka!”) after fearing for his life to also return to Malaysia for this shopping extravaganza. If we are able to get Rosmanuddin to return, it will be a clear indication that our Mega Sales event is a super success.