Kuching, 18 Mar 2011 – With his ruddy cheeks, balding crop of silvery hair, and rotund figure, it’s not surprising that speculation is rife that a visit by Prime Minister Najib Razak will be akin to a visit from Santa Claus. We ask people for what they expect from an early visit by the jolly fat one:

Baru Bian (Leader of PKR Sarawak): I promise to be a good boy this year just like how I was a good boy last year and every year before that, unlike some other person with white hair. So I hope Santa will remember me this year instead of stuffing stockings with coal for his power plant in Sabah which, thanks to PKR, has ceased to exist. I also hope Santa will tell his white-haired elf to shelve the Bakun dam project and leave our Sarawak alone and in the dark. He can leave his presents for us here, but he is personally not welcomed to loiter around here just like drunkards are not welcomed around the Jalan Main Bazaar waterfront.

Dato’ Sri Peter Chin (Energy Minister and SUPP secretary): I wish for Santa to resolve the meltdown crisis in Japan so I can ask Santa for billions of ringgit to build my atomic toy. I spoke to Santa just the other day via telegram and he said he will gift Sarawak the nuclear plant project so we can reap the rewards. Low white blood cell counts are collateral damage that will be more than paid for in the bucket loads of electricity tariffs we will harvest from the Peninsular.

Dato’ Sri Idris Jala (Minister in PM Dept and committed Sarawak Christian): I’m not saying Santa should belong to any religion or anything, but I just wished Santa would spread his goodwill to all men of all religions and let us have our Bahasa bibles.

Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz (Yet another Minister in the same PM Dept and de-facto Law Minister): Santa should only allow Sarawak to have its Bahasa bibles and withhold the Selangor ones, unless he wants to violate the North Pole Enactment. Yes we are still living in the same country and decisions are still made in the same cabinet, even if we may have different laws in different parts of the land.

Dato’ Seri Hishammuddin Hussein (Home Minister): (twiddling his thumbs, with his eyes darting around nervously) … … … Oh were you looking at me? Sorry I can’t comment on this since I don’t have anything I want from Santa. Here, my Publications Secretary can answer any questions you have (pushes a lady forward and runs off).

Datuk Zaitun Ab Samad (Publications and Quranic Text Secretary): (rolling her eyes while clearing her throat) The Home Ministry has decided to release certain religious materials, but they must be stamped to clearly show they are not violating any laws, customs or sensibilities… What I want from Santa? Really? (Whispers) Between you and me, actually I really want Santa to give me a new boss. I can’t stand the old one anymore.

Tan Sri Dr George Chan (Sarawak DCM): I already have my present from Santa. He has given me a secret weapon last week for the election, and SUPP will deploy it as soon as nomination day is announced. It is a really nice and shiny weapon that I polish everyday whenever I come back from work. I just love caressing it… oh yes… my preccciousss… (goes into a daze)…. Huh? Where was I? Oh yes – love. We need to learn how to love and not make war… hey wait where are you going? Come back here!

Edmund Stanley Jugol (SNAP Secretary-General): I wish Santa will come to Kuching more often than just once every election cycle. He should build a Puterijaya here in Kuching and divide his time here with Putrajaya. So he can spend Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays in Putrajaya, while Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays are spent in Puterijaya. After all, if Sarawak is BN’s fixed deposit, shouldn’t Santa spend as much time here as he does in his cabin? Also I wish Santa would bring more jobs with him for the Dayaks. I know many will want to work in his workshop. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have access to all those toys?

Sibu, Sarawak, Mar 2 2011 – Rumour mills in the East Malaysian state of Sarawak have been working overtime the past week speculating on the status of Sulaiman Abdul Rahman, son of Sarawak Chief Minister Taib Mahmud. Rumour and truth has been so intertwined that it has become almost impossible to ascertain if Sulaiman is dead or alive. We in The Petai are not even going to make a stand on how he died (if he is really dead) – because that is opening up a whole new can of worms, with conspiracy theories so varied and mind-boggling that these would provide science fiction writers a treasure trove of inspirational material.
(We hear plans are afoot in the Taib household to sell the rights to an eventual tell-all book to John Carpenter of The Thing and Assault on Precinct 13 fame.)

Going back to the matter of Sulaiman’s alleged death, there is still no clear indication if he is truly dead. According to some eyewitnesses who have come forward to share their accounts, Sulaiman had last been seen skiing in the Italian Alps – though they could not confirm if he was still alive at that point. Some speculated the figure seen in Turin was merely a diversionary tactic in which Sulaiman’s mummified body was propped up on skis and allowed to slide down the slopes. Given the wealth of the disgustingly rich Taib clan, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to expect such an elaborate deception to distract onlookers from the demise of the notorious scion and black sheep of the family.

Another story making its rounds in the grapevine is that the man thing staggering around downtown Kuching (especially its pubs and clubs) is either a zombie, a vampire, or something else equally unholy created by one of the many Bomohs kept on the Taib family tab. Sulaiman, as the story goes, has had the dead blood sucked out of his body, and is kept alive by constant injections of “new and fresh” blood from unwilling “donors.” And this has somehow caused Sulaiman to be schizophrenic (as if the raving maniac needed more personalities in him), and the man thing walking around town supposedly has so many personalities that nobody can quite tell if they’re talking to the real Sulaiman Abdul Rahman Taib.

The third, equally far-fetched, theory that only a tabloid like The Petai will even mention (we are being honest here, unlike the old media), is that Sulaiman has been an alien all this while, and he had come to earth (Sarawak, of all places) to mingle with humans (during which he has had intense “interpersonal communications” with fine female specimens of our species) and to study us. With the end of his study and experiments, he has departed hastily for his home planet after a brief (and cryptic) call with the Director of the UN’s Outer Space Affairs (and Malaysian) Dr Mazlan Othman. Sulaiman’s sudden departure had caught the Taib clan off-guard, and they have been left with few options other than to churn out rumours on Sulaiman’s death.

As for the validity of these stories, we leave it to our esteemed readers to be the judge. Better still, we would like to call on our readers to share any information on the status – dead or alive – of Sulaiman Abdul Rahman Taib.

If he is dead, may his soul rest in peace; if he is alive, may Tuhan save Sarawak’s women.

PUTRAJAYA, Oct 20 – It was a special day for Mohammad Nor Khalid Omar today as the 10-year-old boy with Muscular Dystrophy was treated to a breakfast by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak and his wife Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor.

Mohammad, who hails from Kuala Lumpur, was diagnosed with the ailment five years ago. He finds it difficult to partake in normal activities that most boys of his age enjoy, such as basketball and soccer.

He was accompanied to Seri Perdana by his parents and grandmother. During the one-hour event, Najib showed Mohammad his library and pet kitten. The Prime Minister also gave the boy “Duit Raya”.

After the visit, Mohammad talked to reporters about how he was cosseted by the Prime Minister and coddled by Rosmah, whom he described as “cuddly”. When asked by reporters about how he enjoyed his visit, he candidly confessed that he preferred his breakfast with Ah Meng in the Singapore Zoological Gardens more, as Ah Meng was “more fun”. Consequently, Najib and Rosmah adopted an Orang Utan as a house pet. Reporters understood that this was to prove to the rakyat that the Prime Minister would respond to the people’s feedback.

The Petai recently caught up with Kelantan Menteri Besar and PAS Spiritual Leader Tok Guru Nik Aziz for an interview in his office in Kota Baru, Kelantan on his remarks that all Malays are to be in  one party. The following is the transcript of the interview with Nik Aziz.

The Petai (TP) : Tok Guru – can I call you TG? We would like to thank you for accepting our request for this interview. So TG, how have you been lately?

Tok Guru (TG) : Ok lah. Tak apa-apa. Only that when I get up in the morning, I have this terrible headache, I think I am tying my turban too tightly. Age is catching up, and we cannot expect everything to be as tight as it used to be (here TG winks at us and throws a glance at his very matured female clerk). You know what I mean, so it is time to loosen things up hehe…

TP: Oookaayy, so TG, what do you do to keep fit?

TG: I berlari 2 miles everyday, then berenang sedikit di Sungai Golok. After work, when I come home at about 3pm, again I go for a short jog, take my bath, do my prayers, have my meal – and do my husbandly duties with my wife later that night. That is probably one of the thing that is keeping me healthy, you should try it too but of course, not with my wife but with your own wife

TP: Again, oookaayy, so TG, what do you read to keep abreast with what is going on in Malaysia, the region and the world?

TG: (after about 10 seconds replies) I only read one thing, the Koran, everything that has happened, is happening, and going to happen is in the Koran, no newspaper, magazine or any other reading materials can beat the Koran…..and please do not use the word abreast again, it just threw me off, did you notice that I took some time to reply to your question. I want to keep my spiritual mind clean, use other words like “keep up” ohh, “keep up” also cannot, it will throw my mind off also – I will think of something later to replace such words… keep going! oouccchhh! I did it myself this time.

TP: Oookaayy, so TG, lets cut the chase and go straight for the jugular – in an interview today with Bernama, you mentioned that you want all Malays to be in one party, and that the party should be PAS. Would you like to comment on that?

TG: We do not want to confuse things too much for the Malay people –they are already a confused bunch. You have Umno, you have PBB (Parti Pesaka Bumiputera Bersatu), than you have PKR – so confusing, actually it’s very simple, no need so susah… (waves his hand in front of me like some Jedi) we alllllll shoulllldddd beeeeee under one bannnnnner, and thaaaatttt bannnnnnnner is PASssssssss…

TP: Ok TG, please stop waving your hand in-front of my face, I can still smell the belacan from your lunch on your fingers. So you are saying you want to keep it simple for the Malays?

TG: (now waving his fingers in-front of my face) Yyeeessssss…

TP: Than would it not be like in Indonesia during the Suharto era, where only 3 political parties were allowed to function and all the other parties had to choose among these 3 to function  – would not there be more in-fighting?

TG : Betul! Now we are talking baby. Nowadays the young ones don’t know how to fight. Like Ibrahim Ali and Nazri Aziz. What “you dare me I dare you?” “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine?” Sound like small boys comparing their wee-wees in the toilet. How to take them seriously? We need to go back to simpler times. When we can close the door and settle with our fists. You put me in the ring with Dr. M, give me gloves and let’s see who is the last man standing. That Dr. M he’s a tough one. He knows “Look East” karate. But I have my Kelantanese silat-muay thai hybrid khas! I am going to whack Dr. M into a pulp. His stupid face is just begging me to whack and slap him until he cries for mercy.  Did you ever notice that Dr. M does not have any emotions – when he gembira, he has that stupid look on his face, when he sedih, that same look is on his face, when he is reporting about something exciting, that same stupid sullen look is still on his face. At times I wonder if Dr. M is really alive, or he died and all his cronies have somehow kept his body alive and are pulling the strings from the back. Anyway, if we can get all the Malays into one party and if Dr. M is still alive, I would love to slug it out with Dr. M. The next person I want to slug it out with is Rais Yatim – that old fart needs to be sent to the mortuary and I will be doing all Malaysians a favour by sending him there.

TP : But TG, isn’t it better to have more parties, then there is diversification, and competition and more energies and ideas will flow because of this diversification.

TG: Who the hell cares about diversification and energies and idea and all these stupid crap.. I just want to slug it out with Dr. M and that old fart Rais. Or… oh-oh-oh we can have a threesome, Dr. M, the old fart Rais and me in the ring at the same time – it will be like killing two birds with one stone, more like two stupid birds. And one person who is stoned from the excitement of killing two birds. Ohhh, I am getting so raunchy thinking about it.

TP: So your idea is to get everybody under one banner – so you can fight?

TG: Yes yes yes, how else on earth can we kill all these corrupt, filthy, dirty, unspeakable Umno politicians – get them into one place and nuke them!!

TP: Do you think God will approve of this?

TG: Hai, we in PAS have rules that we play by. In PAS, we have the Ulama who decides if God approves or not – who are we to approve such things. We leave it to the Ulama to decide. But God is always forgiving. So inilah begitu, you know what I think.

TP: Going back to the Umno guys, how are you going to convince them, and the other Malay parties to join you.

TG: I have this elaborate plan, use money.

TP: What part of using money is elaborate?

TG: For Umno, money is enough elaboration, no need to explain anymore. They will come in droves to join PAS. And seeing that, all the other Malay parties will also join us HAHAHAHAHAHA (pauses for awhile with a strange faraway look on his face). Once Umno has joined us, we will kill all their stupid leaders, in Umno’s case, that means killing all the leaders – then together with the Umno ground guys – we will rule Malaysia as One Country Under Islam.

TP: But what if the Umno guys who join PAS kills off all the PAS leaders and take over the whole of Malaysia – I mean, that is a possible scenario you guys in PAS might want to ponder.

TG: Please lah, we are talking about Umno. When they join PAS, we will give them a door gift – which is actually a small bag of goodies like biscuits, sweets, kuih-muih inside  – but at the same time, we will also place some arak inside the bag – and being Umno guys, they will definitely go for the arak, that is when we go and finish them off! HAHAHAHAHAHA (has a strange faraway look again).

TP : But TG, isn’t that evil?

TG: There is nothing evil about killing evil – it is okay (munches on his keropok).

TP: Do you think you will succeed?

TG: Of course I will succeed – my horoscope last week stated that I will succeed in whatever I do, so you see, I will succeed.

TP: Ok, lets say for argument’s sake you succeed – and you get all the Malays in one party and you kill off all your opponents, or in your words, the evil Malays – what then?

TG: Ahhhhhh, that will be Syurga – and then we will straight go to a goldsmith, recycle some of the gold dinars to make a crown, and I will wear a crown and rule Malaysia – that will solve my stupid morning headache problem J

KUCHING, OCT 6 – It’s official: Sarawak plans to buy over the Bakun hydroelectric dam from the Federal Government. The state intends to turn the 215 meter high dam into an exclusive “Water Theme Park in The Rainforest.”

Sarawak Chief Minister Tan Sri Abdul Taib Mahmud announced yesterday in a special press conference in Kuching North City Hall on how the Sarawak state government will convert the much maligned hydroelectric dam into what he calls an “eco-friendly tourist trap in a tropical setting.” A top level Sarawak official who we spoke to after the press conference told us that “the water theme park will showcase scenes of Malaysian life.” Also stressed had been rides that are “so extreme, nobody else has been insane enough to think of them before.”

Amongst the proposed rides include one called “Illegal Immigrants” where theme park visitors will be crowded onto a small sampan which will then be chased by PDRM and MMEA boats across the Balui River before the visitors are pushed off in the middle of a pool and told to swim quickly to shore. The first ten visitors who reach the shore will get a MyKad replica with their names embossed on it.

Also previewed was a ride called “The Unsinkable RMN Submarine” where park visitors will ride aboard a RMN submarine replica into the middle of the Bakun Reservoir. The vessel, specially built in France, will then submerge to allow guests to enjoy the view of the dam floor from special glass windows. All will seem fine for five minutes and then the pipes and valves will start to leak before sprouting into geysers that threaten to sink the vessel. Visitors will then have a choice of whether to stay and face certain death or to try to reach the surface through emergency hatches. We were informed that park workers will use a salvage boat to retrieve the replica for recycling after each ride so as to lessen the environmental impact of operating such an immersive and realistic ride. Visitors who survive the ride will also be given commendation letters from the Ministry of Defence, while a Navy representative will be on hand to recruit survivors aged 18 to 35 for the submarine force. The official did not talk about the fate of visitors who do not survive the ride. When queried, he noted that it was not an issue as Sarawakians were known to be excellent swimmers.

The final cost of the Bakun dam was estimated to be upwards of RM7 billion after numerous delays and had forced thousands of locals from their ancestry homes. It had been touted to be able to provide for all of Sarawak’s future electricity needs. However the worsening economic situation in Sarawak meant that the increased electricity supply will not be needed for at least another twenty years.

Minister for Energy, Green Technology and Water Datuk Seri Peter Chin Fah Kui commented that Tan Sri Abdul Taib’s transformation plans for the Bakun Dam were unorthodox but admitted that “well we can always build another dam if we need more money… I mean… electricity”.

Deputy Chief Minister Dr. George Chan endorsed the water theme park plan and added that this plan was truly 1Malaysia as the size of the park would enable “all 29 million Malays, Bumiputeras, Chinese and Indians and 1 million Filipino and Indonesian illegal immigrants in East Malaysia to play together”.

Sources inform us that the Sarawak government has additional plans to include the revamped water theme park as part of the RM1.3 trillion Economic Transformation Programme, and more money has been earmarked for its development. The timeline for the programme was “anytime as long as it is before the next Sarawak State Elections.” According to an anonymous source, it was unlikely that the renovation works
Sungai Asap Angin, 36, a Beluga local who was forced to evict because of the building of the former Bakum Dam, told us of his disappointment.

“The exact site where my ancestors headhunted is now going to be where thousands of kids are going to wee-wee in! How can I face my bapak?” asked an unnerved Sungai Asap who was concerned about the proposed location of the child wading pool.

More disappointing to Sungai Asap perhaps is that the proposed price of a 1-Day Family Economy ticket (2 adults & 2 children), at RM 140, is actually slightly more than the total compensation that his entire longhouse received when it was evicted.

Some consolation for Sungai Asap could be found in the hundreds of jobs the park is expected to generate, including ride operators, costumed performers (the park’s mascot is an androgynous, weirdly lovable headhunter hauling shrunken heads), food and beverage hawkers and trinket peddlers selling, yes you got it, shrunken heads.

PUTRAJAYA, 17 Aug 2010 – Malaysians have in recent times been reading about the horror of babies being dumped. Going by what we have been reading, this is usually done by teenagers, who get caught up in the moment of things, or heat of the passion, and are unable to cope with the consequences. The government is mulling on whether to charge these baby dumpers with murder. Is this really going to solve the problem? Since 2004, Datuk Seri Shahrizat Jalil has been telling people not to discard new-borns, but that has not changed anything. Everybody knows that dumping a baby is wrong – but why does this keep on happening?
This problem, which is not only peculiar to Malaysia but is a world wide phenomenon, can never be eradicated; it can only be minimized. The only way to do this is to approach the problem with a “multi-prong attack”.

Education
First there must be education, that sex is a part of life. It is as important as breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping etc – and the sexual energy that is in all of us is intertwined with our DNA. As such, we have to accept that people have sex. Teach our children to protect themselves.

Shelters
Half-way houses must be set up to help girls who are pregnant but want to give up their child for adoption. These houses must be located far away from prying eyes so that there is privacy.
The easiest way out of this child dumping problem would be to sentence to death a few dumpers and the message would get across. However, the wiser thing to do would be to educate and provide facilities for our children so that they can take the necessary measures to protect themselves. Let’s give POWER to life!

PUTRAJAYA, 8 July 2010 – According to the Star, a total of RM10 billlion was overpaid by over 800,000 Malaysian taxpayers. And now Mr. Taxman wants to return the money to all those who have overpaid (yeah rite!).
The Petai would like to advise all good tax-paying Malaysians to go immediately to the Inland Revenue Board office in Pandan Indah to re-claim your excesses. Going by what has been learnt from the Internet, it is not going to be an easy affair. As such, it will be a good idea to bring along your receipts, your proof of spending, your explanation, your mother’s KP, your father’s KP, your neighbor’s KP – be prepared for anything and everything when visiting them.
It is a well known fact that most UMNO politicians do not read the papers, let alone reading itself – so it will take some time before the UMNO guys get wind of this “golden windfall”. So please do go down as soon as possible and get your hands on your money before they get their hands on it. Good Luck!!!

KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 2010 – PKR advisor and de facto leader Anwar Ibrahim is fuming mad and stamping his feet over how Prime Minister Najib Razak has turned the PR tables on him. The alleged (alleged by Anwar himself) Zionist regime-linked public relations firm Apco Worldwide is being accused by Anwar of pulling off a spectacular media stunt by convincing B’nai B’rith, the world’s oldest pro-Israeli group, to attack him and asking Anwar’s American chums like best friend Paul Wolfowitz not to fraternize with him anymore.

Suitably incensed, Anwar has hit back at Najib saying he had proof that Najib was the bigger Zionist. “I just want to tell the world that Najib is the world’s biggest Zionist!” – claimed Anwar. Referring to a list of companies that have a track record of supporting Israel, Anwar singled out Coca-Cola, saying it was a well-known fact that Najib consumed Zionist beverages.

Najib consuming the Zionist beverage Coca-Cola with other Zionist looking people

Our TPT reporters went down to the Prime Minister’s Office to try and find out just who the bigger Zionist was. When asked about claims that it was “Always Coca-Cola” for the Prime Minister, the staffer dismissed this saying that Anwar was in fact, “the biggest Zionist of them all” and that he used Zionist products “everywhere and anywhere”.

“We have it on good authority that Anwar buys and uses Kleenex tissues, a Zionist product, in copious amounts.” Sniggering, the PMO staffer added “He uses it after some of his ‘private meetings’ and we also happen to know he likes a Kit Kat or two afterwards.

KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 7, 2010 – MIC President Sany Vellu today blamed the Anti-Samy Vellu Movement (GAS) for instigating a problem that has plagued him ever since.

“Ever since GAS starting blowing stinky wind in my direction, I have been placed in numerous embarrassing situations that have tarnished my image as MIC leader,” Samy Vellu said when at an MIC members event in which we noted that onion naan was served during lunch. When probed further, he refused to elaborate on what those embarrassing situations were.

The Petai Times however managed to speak with some MIC members who had recently interacted with Samy Vellu and spoke on condition of anonymity. Rajoo (not his real name) claimed that he noticed Samy Vellu had bought a large amount of air fresheners for his office and car. Anthony (not his real name) also claimed that he noticed several people standing near Samy Vellu were wincing and took a step back after a loud noise on the verge of sounding like a motorcycle revving up was heard.

After the MIC members event was over, The Petai Times understands that secret orders were given never to serve any food containing copious amounts of onions at any future MIC events as they could produce “dangerous gases” that were detrimental to the olfactory system.

Kuala Lumpur, 4 Jun 2010 – It was reported in the local papers that MCA chief Viagra Chua Soi Lek has raised the matter of 1,304 high achieving and deserving students to PSD director-general Tan Sri Ismail Adam who were left out of the scholarship award. VC (Viagra Chua) stated that students from all races should be treated equally without a fixation of the quota for the different races.

The Petai feels that this is a very noble and innovative (as far as Malaysia is concern) thought – for the MCA chief to raise this. We at The Petai were so amazed by it that all our reporters gathered around the article and scrutinesed it word by word. After about ten minutes, we dropped everything and walked out to the car-park and looked at the sky. Because we knew that we would have a better chance of seeing a Pig Fly, than see PSD giving a level playing field for children of all races. Oink-oink!