Ong Tee Keat and Ong Ka Ting – MCA’s lifebuoys

The dust has settled and Malaysia’s most famous porn star politician is at the head of MCA. Yes, Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soi Lek is now the one responsible for leading MCA into the new era.

But it’s not goodbye for former MCA presidents Datuk Seri Ong Tee Keat and Tan Sri Ong Ka Ting yet. Powerless but not forgotten, the two Ongs felt they could continue to contribute to the party without needing to hold any posts.

Even the MCA president agreed, telling reporters that the two men could help to stabilise and keep the party afloat. With the two Ong life buoys by his side, it seems to be fair sailing days for MCA.

Los Angeles, 31 March 2010

Puerto Rican Singer Ricky Martin has declared to the world that he is gay. Martin wrote on his website that it “help(ed) me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time”.  He added that it had become “too heavy for me too keep inside” and that he is joyfully free now. It is always a good thing to come out with the truth; for one, you will feel lighter, you don’t have to worry that people will stumble upon your skeletons, and the most beneficial part is, it is very healthy. We at Petai, also wish that more people would come out of their closets and be free. And for that, we wish that our politicians would also come clean. If they were to come clean, this is what we would probably hear from them:

Najib – Yes, it is true, Rosmah is the one running the country.

Muhyiddin – I am dumb.

Hishamuddin – I am dumber.

Khir Toyo – I am as corrupt as any Malaysian politician can be.

Nazri – I say stupid things at stupid times.

Rais – I am an old fart – far due for retirement.

Koh Tsu Koon – I do not know how to run a state.

Samy Vellu – It is true, my hair is fake.

Ong Tee Keat – I hate womanizers….oh you mean my shortcoming…I am perfect.

Chua Soi Lek – I love Viagra.

Anwar – Ok, ok, ok, don’t push me, I like Ricky Martin.

Azmin Ali – And yes, I like Anwar.

Tian Chua – I don’t know who I like anymore. I like everybody.

Zambry – I feel dirty as the MB of Perak, I feel like I am sleeping with someone else’s wife.

Chua Soi Lek’s sudden resignation on 04 March as MCA Deputy President surprised many of us, including myself. While I promote myself as one of Malaysia’s best and most accurate fengshui master, I had not predicted such an outcome from the MCA leadership crisis. But that is not to say that my skills are lousy and that I should quit writing this column. Allow me to clarify my stand on the issue.

1. Chua was born in the Year of the Dog. According to the Chinese zodiac, people born in the Year of the Dog are known for being loyal yet unpredictable. It should be noted that while Chua has resigned, he has not completely washed his hands off the party.
2. All bad things should have been resolved before the Chinese New Year. Leaving things unresolved before a festive occasion is clearly not in line with the 1Malaysia spirit.
3. I can only give a general guidelines that will help people lead their lives. I am no God who can dictate what each and every person should do. The “chi” of each person is changeable over time this affects his or her destiny. In this case, the “chi” emanating from recent defections from the opposition created an atmosphere conducive for handing in the pink slip.
4. What’s my advice for the MCA? Just three words – Manage, Calm, Absolve.

MCA Deputy President Chua Soi Lek recently called for a meeting with MCA President Ong Tee Keat and MCA Vice President Liow Tiong Lai to resolve the sticky MCA leadership crisis. At the same time, Petaling Jaya Selatan MCA Chairman Lim Siang Chai called for a resolution before Chinese New Year on February 14 (coincidentally also Valentine’s Day).

Speaking to Petai at an MCA function yesterday, Chua said that it was not good to begin the Year of the Tiger on a sour note. According to his personal fengshui and Chinese almanac consultant Master See Bey Zun, the Year of the Tiger was a particularly bad year for squabbles which could potentially split the party up. Separately, Lim explained that Master See, who was widely consulted by MCA members in Petaling Jaya, had predicted that a failure to resolve the crisis would mean an unromantic Valentine’s Day for all married MCA members.

However, an insider source for Petai revealed that there could be another more embarrassing reason behind Chua’s wish to solve issues before the Chinese New Year. Reportedly, DVD pirate syndicates in Johor are planning to release a Valentine’s Day cum Chinese New Year special of Chua’s infamous sex DVD together with a guide on how to catch cheating spouses.

The source said, “At least if Chua managed to do something for the MCA, he could distract attention away from the new DVD release and prevent his wife from rejecting his roses on Valentine’s Day.”