KUALA LUMPUR, 07 June 7, 2010 – MIC President Sany Vellu today blamed the Anti-Samy Vellu Movement (GAS) for instigating a problem that has plagued him ever since.

“Ever since GAS starting blowing stinky wind in my direction, I have been placed in numerous embarrassing situations that have tarnished my image as MIC leader,” Samy Vellu said when at an MIC members event in which we noted that onion naan was served during lunch. When probed further, he refused to elaborate on what those embarrassing situations were.

The Petai Times however managed to speak with some MIC members who had recently interacted with Samy Vellu and spoke on condition of anonymity. Rajoo (not his real name) claimed that he noticed Samy Vellu had bought a large amount of air fresheners for his office and car. Anthony (not his real name) also claimed that he noticed several people standing near Samy Vellu were wincing and took a step back after a loud noise on the verge of sounding like a motorcycle revving up was heard.

After the MIC members event was over, The Petai Times understands that secret orders were given never to serve any food containing copious amounts of onions at any future MIC events as they could produce “dangerous gases” that were detrimental to the olfactory system.

Los Angeles, 31 March 2010

Puerto Rican Singer Ricky Martin has declared to the world that he is gay. Martin wrote on his website that it “help(ed) me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time”.  He added that it had become “too heavy for me too keep inside” and that he is joyfully free now. It is always a good thing to come out with the truth; for one, you will feel lighter, you don’t have to worry that people will stumble upon your skeletons, and the most beneficial part is, it is very healthy. We at Petai, also wish that more people would come out of their closets and be free. And for that, we wish that our politicians would also come clean. If they were to come clean, this is what we would probably hear from them:

Najib – Yes, it is true, Rosmah is the one running the country.

Muhyiddin – I am dumb.

Hishamuddin – I am dumber.

Khir Toyo – I am as corrupt as any Malaysian politician can be.

Nazri – I say stupid things at stupid times.

Rais – I am an old fart – far due for retirement.

Koh Tsu Koon – I do not know how to run a state.

Samy Vellu – It is true, my hair is fake.

Ong Tee Keat – I hate womanizers….oh you mean my shortcoming…I am perfect.

Chua Soi Lek – I love Viagra.

Anwar – Ok, ok, ok, don’t push me, I like Ricky Martin.

Azmin Ali – And yes, I like Anwar.

Tian Chua – I don’t know who I like anymore. I like everybody.

Zambry – I feel dirty as the MB of Perak, I feel like I am sleeping with someone else’s wife.