KUALA LUMPUR, Mar 03 – The National Heritage Department has announced that certain newspapers that played key roles in Malaysia’s history and have made significant contributions to protecting the heritage of the communities they served have been placed under the protection of the National Heritage Act with immediate effect.

“The Heritage Department is very disturbed over the recent ill-treatment of newspapers by provocateurs who seek to disrupt the papers’ exercise of their constitutional right of free speech. We wish to remind would-be rabble-rousers that under the provisions of the National Heritage Act 2005 , the destruction or obstruction of property under protection shall make the offender liable of an offence punishable by imprisonment of up to five years as well as a fine of up to RM 50,000,” the Heritage Commissioner Professor Emeritus Datuk Zuraina Majid told the press yesterday.

“It also means that these newspapers cannot be used in any other way than what is considered fair public use – one can only choose whether to read or not to read them.”

In one of the first raids conducted by PDRM to enforce the new Heritage status of certain newspapers, at least 60 people in Selangor have been caught yesterday afternoon misusing their newspapers for purposes other than to obtain news and have been subjected to a warning as well as a summary fine of RM 100. They include a pisang goreng seller who was using pages from Utusan Malaysia to wrap his product for customers, a rag-and-bone man who haphazardly threw a bundle of assorted newspapers that he was planning to send to the recycling company into his lorry, as well as a glassware retailer who wrapped his wares in newspapers as a precaution against breakage.

The guidelines laid down by the National Heritage Department also mentioned other unorthodox uses for these newspapers that have been forbidden, including using pages as rough paper for jotting down notes as well as the use of newspapers as emergency toilet paper. Even the disposal of the papers in a “less than respectful” manner is verboten.

Lamented a long-time Star reader: “I have piles and piles of Star papers that I have neglected to dispose of since 6 months ago, and now what am I to do with them? I can’t keep them forever!”

The newspapers that have been granted Heritage protection include Utusan Malaysia, Berita Harian, The New Straits Times, The Star, The Malay Mail, China Press, Nanyang Siang Pau, Tamil Nesan and Makkal Osai.

The Petai cannot help but observe that the newspapers’ Heritage statuses have been granted not too long after the insulting actions of Malays burning Utusan Malaysia have been brought to the public’s attention by a Member of Parliament.

UNDISCLOSED BUNKER SOMEWHERE, Feb 5 –The Petai’s legal ape has this message for the kind people at the Communications and Multimedia Commission (SKMM), in particular His Excellency the Minister for Information, Communications, Culture and Arts, Datuk Seri Dr Rais Yatim:

Please don’t sue us. We are already broke as it is trying to maintain the web host, and the ad revenues are not coming in like our marketing chimpanzees said it would. If we have to settle, we can only offer bananas.

To reassure the ministry (and the Attorney-General’s Chambers’ watchmen) that the Petai practices responsible reporting, our writing monkeys have been issued guidelines as well as special Pavlovian training using peanuts and electric shocks. Every time they flout the guidelines, a non-lethal electric current will be allowed to flow briefly through the tasers we’ve installed on the base of their chairs, reminding them in a civilised manner that what they’ve written is wrong and anti-Malaysian. On the contrary, a writing monkey that submits a compliant report will be rewarded with a single peanut that will be dropped onto its desk through a hole in the roof.

Essentially, we will be following procedures that our colleagues at Radio Television Malaysia (RTM) have put in place to ensure that their writing monkeys produce Malaysia-friendly reports.

Although we cannot say more about what these guidelines may be (since RTM might sue us for revealing their trade secrets), loyal readers would notice that some rather unnecessary self-censorship have taken place recently here at the Petai. These include altering pictures to protect the identity of a (racist) special officer, proper accreditation of sources, and even close cooperation with a SKMM operative to ensure that we do not cross the line on the passing of the Sultan of Johor.

Our readers would expect to see more of this censorship responsible reporting in the coming weeks in our coverage of Sodomy II to ensure that sensationalism do not get the better of our writing monkeys.

As such, we would like to ask that SKMM withhold from any legal motions against the Petai, for we really do not want to be held accountable for cruelty to our writing monkeys.

So what does all this mean for you, our readers? For one, it means the news will come to you later stuffed full of interesting factoids about what makes our country great. For example, the story on Friday’s protest at the Federal Territory Mosque had been placed on the Petai too late to matter, but now contains 100% more mockery of the opposition, as approved by our SKMM operative. We understand that the delay was caused when our SKMM operative really had to take a leave of absence to relief stress at Port Dickson after spending many late nights at our bunker and RTM’s. He also mumbled something about ‘striking a deal with the devil’ and ‘selling my soul.’