Los Angeles, 31 March 2010

Puerto Rican Singer Ricky Martin has declared to the world that he is gay. Martin wrote on his website that it “help(ed) me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time”.  He added that it had become “too heavy for me too keep inside” and that he is joyfully free now. It is always a good thing to come out with the truth; for one, you will feel lighter, you don’t have to worry that people will stumble upon your skeletons, and the most beneficial part is, it is very healthy. We at Petai, also wish that more people would come out of their closets and be free. And for that, we wish that our politicians would also come clean. If they were to come clean, this is what we would probably hear from them:

Najib – Yes, it is true, Rosmah is the one running the country.

Muhyiddin – I am dumb.

Hishamuddin – I am dumber.

Khir Toyo – I am as corrupt as any Malaysian politician can be.

Nazri – I say stupid things at stupid times.

Rais – I am an old fart – far due for retirement.

Koh Tsu Koon – I do not know how to run a state.

Samy Vellu – It is true, my hair is fake.

Ong Tee Keat – I hate womanizers….oh you mean my shortcoming…I am perfect.

Chua Soi Lek – I love Viagra.

Anwar – Ok, ok, ok, don’t push me, I like Ricky Martin.

Azmin Ali – And yes, I like Anwar.

Tian Chua – I don’t know who I like anymore. I like everybody.

Zambry – I feel dirty as the MB of Perak, I feel like I am sleeping with someone else’s wife.

Putrajaya, 25 March 2010

Malaysian politics is really getting scary in recent times, there is a revelation that there is a “third force” present – it has interfered in Malaysian politics, and has even dared to penetrate the Royal Malaysian Police force. This matter about the “third force” is getting louder and louder, so much so that even DAP stalwart Lim Kit Siang has called on the PM to look into it.

What is this “third force”? Is it something that is really present and alive around us, or is it just a convenient and clever excuse used by the politicians and the IGP alike to blame something that is of supernatural in nature so that nobody can go and investigate?

The Petai wanted to get to bottom of this and we scoured through the internet, ploughed through hundreds of books at the Perpustakaan Negara and even visited some spooky spots in KL like the Puchong House, Highland Towers and Bukit Tunku. Nope, we did not come across any hantu.

A glimmer of hope was given to us from the most unlikely source, Independent Kulim  Bandar Baru MP Zulkifli Nordin. He has raised in parliament about him being tasked to link PM Najib and his beautiful wife, Rosmah Mansor, to the murder of Mongolian model Altantuya. Zulkifli than rammed through PI Balasubramaniam’s SD (where it was stated that PM Najib knew Altantuya) and added that PI Balasubramaniam is “an opportunist who took advantage of the rapacity of a DEVIL in the guise of a human”.

Who can doubt Zulkifli’s words? From now on, The Petai will be looking very closely at Balasubramaniam, watching for signs that will betray him. We hope our readers can help us too on this matter. Please do look out for the following:

1. a pitchfork in his bag or any other concealed place in his house;
2. signs of horns growing on his head;
3. smiles when he sees a funeral;
4. avoids garlic;
5. gets turned-on when he sees a pontianak;
6. avoids walking by or near places of worship like mosque, temple, church etc
7. feet does not touch the ground;
8. always makes appointment to see you after dark;or
9. any other peculiarities that a normal human being would not display.

It was reported that several shops selling sex toys and illegal sexual stimulants in Johor Baru and the Klang Valley were raided recently. At one shop along Jalan Wong Ah Fook, more than RM100, 000 worth of toys and stimulants were seized.

What The Petai could not help but notice is the raiding party – in Johor Baru, Deputy OCPD Supt Zainal Baharom lead a team in the raid on the Jalan Wong Ah Fook shop while in the Klang Valley, Deputy Supt Razali Abdul Samad and DBKL Deputy Director-General (Services) Datuk Amin Nordin Abdul Aziz were involved in the raid there.

And now the question – do we really need such a high powered team for the raids? What were our top cops worried about – the sex toys and stimulants out-witting our rank-and-file cops if they were to conduct the raid? And it should not be that hard (pun intended) to conduct such raids?

There are a number of other crimes taking place daily in our country – from Johor Baru up to Bukit Kayu Hitam, like snatch theft, murder or rape cases etc. But our cops, Superintendents and Deputy Director-Generals no less, had to focus their energy and time on these small and petty misdemeanors.

And we wonder why our crime rate is so high…..

Bayan Baru MP Datuk Seri Zahrain Hashim recently announced that he is leaving Parti Keadilan Rakyat (PKR). This piece of news had caused mixed reactions among his peers.

While PKR adviser Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim is reportedly very upset at Zahrain’s decision and was seen crying into his hanky, the reactions of others are more calm.

PKR deputy president Dr Syed Husin Ali shares none of Anwar’s sentiments and actually felt relieved that the little man has left. He said Zahrain had finally done something good for the party – by leaving it.

DAP chairman Karpal Singh said Zahrain’s departure was not a loss to Pakatan Rakyat. “He is not a giant of a politician, more like a dwarf. He should join a group that fits his stature.”

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak agreed and said he was not surprised that Zahrain could not play the game anymore and wanted out. “It is hard for the little Zahrain to survive in the political arena, which is why Malaysia needs big and bold people!”

Not all were negative reactions as former PKR youth chief Mohamad Ezam Mohd Nor heaped praise on Zahrain. Describing Zahrain as a matured man with sharp observation skills, Ezam praised Zahrain for his honesty and courage in facing his own limits. He believed that Zahrain finally saw that he had overstretched and decided that quitting the party was the best option.

JOHOR BARU, Feb 13 – Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi has the following message for renowned rogue Datuk Seri Zahrain Mohamed Hashim:

“You belong to the dark side. Search your feelings young one. Feel it in the Force. You know it to be true. Join us, and together we shall end the rebellion and bring order to this galaxy.

“The Emperor has long foreseen this, and preparations are underway for your welcome. We have been waiting for this. Soon, the rebellion will be no more.”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also lamented the weakness in dark side leadership in the intervening years since the fall of Darth Sidious.

“The chosen successor to Lord Sidious had been ineffective and had a tendency to let Dark side affairs go astray with animal spirits. He also had a peculiar disposition for losing himself in his thoughts while deliberating on important affairs of the Empire. Fortuitously for us, he was deposed by a True Sith who now graces the throne. What we need now is another to take the role of apprentice, so that the Rule of Two shall once again be fulfilled as it was ordered in Darth Bane’s commandment in antiquity: ‘Two there should be; no more, no less. One to embody power, the other to crave it.’

“However, too many millennia of inbreeding have left the dark side unable to produce a heir capable of usurping power from his master should the current Emperor grow too weak to continue his ascendancy. We need new blood. New blood like Datuk Seri Zahrain and Tan Tee Beng who will reinvigorate the dark side with their ambition, their fear, their anger, their hate, their thirst for victory.”

Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad also distributed pamphlets bearing what he dubbed “tenets of power.” The Petai has reproduced its content below:

Peace is a lie; there is only passion.

Through passion, I gain strength.

Through strength, I gain power.

Through power, I gain victory.

Through victory, my chains are broken.

The Force shall free me.

- The Sith Code

In other news, Tan Tee Beng had repeatedly denied he was planning to join the dark side, explaining that his allegiance was with the Republic for now, but that he felt it was his responsibility to jointly manage the stay-behind operation against the tyranny of the majority with fellow collaborator Zulkifli Noordin.

KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 8 – The masterminds behind Friday’s protest against the trial of the de facto leader of an imploding Opposition Coalition have declared the event a success, despite an abysmal turnout of a little over 30 participants, most of whom had been party cadres.

“What do you mean ‘if we are satisfied about the turnout’? Today’s turnout is great! This is just the beginning of a new lineup of events we have planned to free our leader,” replied Tian Chua, the party’s Communications Czar, in response to a question from a reporter.

He also dismissed another reporter when she remarked that the protest, which took place outside the Federal Territory Mosque, lasted a mere 10 minutes before participants retired to a nearby mamak stall to wrap up the event with rounds of teh tarik.

“We ended early because we found out the case was adjourned to Monday. We needed to conserve our energy as this is a long and grueling battle for truth, justice and the Malaysian way. The future is being fought over in this trial, and it is important that we ration our resources so that we do not succumb to fatigue like the evil UMNOputras want us to.”

The Czar also revealed that Monday will see another round of protest, and that reinforcements will be bussed in from outside Selangor, as ‘city people are just too apathetic.’

Update on 8/2: Since the case had been adjourned indefinitely after the Opposition Leader’s legal team moved to dismiss the judge, the Petai understands that the planned protests had been called off and in its absence the Coalition will be hosting muck-slinging matches to accommodate its infighting members. One wonders if there is still a Coalition left for the Leader to lead should he ever get out of his legal mess.