Kuching, 18 Mar 2011 – With his ruddy cheeks, balding crop of silvery hair, and rotund figure, it’s not surprising that speculation is rife that a visit by Prime Minister Najib Razak will be akin to a visit from Santa Claus. We ask people for what they expect from an early visit by the jolly fat one:

Baru Bian (Leader of PKR Sarawak): I promise to be a good boy this year just like how I was a good boy last year and every year before that, unlike some other person with white hair. So I hope Santa will remember me this year instead of stuffing stockings with coal for his power plant in Sabah which, thanks to PKR, has ceased to exist. I also hope Santa will tell his white-haired elf to shelve the Bakun dam project and leave our Sarawak alone and in the dark. He can leave his presents for us here, but he is personally not welcomed to loiter around here just like drunkards are not welcomed around the Jalan Main Bazaar waterfront.

Dato’ Sri Peter Chin (Energy Minister and SUPP secretary): I wish for Santa to resolve the meltdown crisis in Japan so I can ask Santa for billions of ringgit to build my atomic toy. I spoke to Santa just the other day via telegram and he said he will gift Sarawak the nuclear plant project so we can reap the rewards. Low white blood cell counts are collateral damage that will be more than paid for in the bucket loads of electricity tariffs we will harvest from the Peninsular.

Dato’ Sri Idris Jala (Minister in PM Dept and committed Sarawak Christian): I’m not saying Santa should belong to any religion or anything, but I just wished Santa would spread his goodwill to all men of all religions and let us have our Bahasa bibles.

Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz (Yet another Minister in the same PM Dept and de-facto Law Minister): Santa should only allow Sarawak to have its Bahasa bibles and withhold the Selangor ones, unless he wants to violate the North Pole Enactment. Yes we are still living in the same country and decisions are still made in the same cabinet, even if we may have different laws in different parts of the land.

Dato’ Seri Hishammuddin Hussein (Home Minister): (twiddling his thumbs, with his eyes darting around nervously) … … … Oh were you looking at me? Sorry I can’t comment on this since I don’t have anything I want from Santa. Here, my Publications Secretary can answer any questions you have (pushes a lady forward and runs off).

Datuk Zaitun Ab Samad (Publications and Quranic Text Secretary): (rolling her eyes while clearing her throat) The Home Ministry has decided to release certain religious materials, but they must be stamped to clearly show they are not violating any laws, customs or sensibilities… What I want from Santa? Really? (Whispers) Between you and me, actually I really want Santa to give me a new boss. I can’t stand the old one anymore.

Tan Sri Dr George Chan (Sarawak DCM): I already have my present from Santa. He has given me a secret weapon last week for the election, and SUPP will deploy it as soon as nomination day is announced. It is a really nice and shiny weapon that I polish everyday whenever I come back from work. I just love caressing it… oh yes… my preccciousss… (goes into a daze)…. Huh? Where was I? Oh yes – love. We need to learn how to love and not make war… hey wait where are you going? Come back here!

Edmund Stanley Jugol (SNAP Secretary-General): I wish Santa will come to Kuching more often than just once every election cycle. He should build a Puterijaya here in Kuching and divide his time here with Putrajaya. So he can spend Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays in Putrajaya, while Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays are spent in Puterijaya. After all, if Sarawak is BN’s fixed deposit, shouldn’t Santa spend as much time here as he does in his cabin? Also I wish Santa would bring more jobs with him for the Dayaks. I know many will want to work in his workshop. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have access to all those toys?

Sibu, Sarawak, Mar 2 2011 – Rumour mills in the East Malaysian state of Sarawak have been working overtime the past week speculating on the status of Sulaiman Abdul Rahman, son of Sarawak Chief Minister Taib Mahmud. Rumour and truth has been so intertwined that it has become almost impossible to ascertain if Sulaiman is dead or alive. We in The Petai are not even going to make a stand on how he died (if he is really dead) – because that is opening up a whole new can of worms, with conspiracy theories so varied and mind-boggling that these would provide science fiction writers a treasure trove of inspirational material.
(We hear plans are afoot in the Taib household to sell the rights to an eventual tell-all book to John Carpenter of The Thing and Assault on Precinct 13 fame.)

Going back to the matter of Sulaiman’s alleged death, there is still no clear indication if he is truly dead. According to some eyewitnesses who have come forward to share their accounts, Sulaiman had last been seen skiing in the Italian Alps – though they could not confirm if he was still alive at that point. Some speculated the figure seen in Turin was merely a diversionary tactic in which Sulaiman’s mummified body was propped up on skis and allowed to slide down the slopes. Given the wealth of the disgustingly rich Taib clan, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to expect such an elaborate deception to distract onlookers from the demise of the notorious scion and black sheep of the family.

Another story making its rounds in the grapevine is that the man thing staggering around downtown Kuching (especially its pubs and clubs) is either a zombie, a vampire, or something else equally unholy created by one of the many Bomohs kept on the Taib family tab. Sulaiman, as the story goes, has had the dead blood sucked out of his body, and is kept alive by constant injections of “new and fresh” blood from unwilling “donors.” And this has somehow caused Sulaiman to be schizophrenic (as if the raving maniac needed more personalities in him), and the man thing walking around town supposedly has so many personalities that nobody can quite tell if they’re talking to the real Sulaiman Abdul Rahman Taib.

The third, equally far-fetched, theory that only a tabloid like The Petai will even mention (we are being honest here, unlike the old media), is that Sulaiman has been an alien all this while, and he had come to earth (Sarawak, of all places) to mingle with humans (during which he has had intense “interpersonal communications” with fine female specimens of our species) and to study us. With the end of his study and experiments, he has departed hastily for his home planet after a brief (and cryptic) call with the Director of the UN’s Outer Space Affairs (and Malaysian) Dr Mazlan Othman. Sulaiman’s sudden departure had caught the Taib clan off-guard, and they have been left with few options other than to churn out rumours on Sulaiman’s death.

As for the validity of these stories, we leave it to our esteemed readers to be the judge. Better still, we would like to call on our readers to share any information on the status – dead or alive – of Sulaiman Abdul Rahman Taib.

If he is dead, may his soul rest in peace; if he is alive, may Tuhan save Sarawak’s women.

PUTRAJAYA, Oct 20 – It was a special day for Mohammad Nor Khalid Omar today as the 10-year-old boy with Muscular Dystrophy was treated to a breakfast by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak and his wife Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor.

Mohammad, who hails from Kuala Lumpur, was diagnosed with the ailment five years ago. He finds it difficult to partake in normal activities that most boys of his age enjoy, such as basketball and soccer.

He was accompanied to Seri Perdana by his parents and grandmother. During the one-hour event, Najib showed Mohammad his library and pet kitten. The Prime Minister also gave the boy “Duit Raya”.

After the visit, Mohammad talked to reporters about how he was cosseted by the Prime Minister and coddled by Rosmah, whom he described as “cuddly”. When asked by reporters about how he enjoyed his visit, he candidly confessed that he preferred his breakfast with Ah Meng in the Singapore Zoological Gardens more, as Ah Meng was “more fun”. Consequently, Najib and Rosmah adopted an Orang Utan as a house pet. Reporters understood that this was to prove to the rakyat that the Prime Minister would respond to the people’s feedback.

The Petai recently caught up with Kelantan Menteri Besar and PAS Spiritual Leader Tok Guru Nik Aziz for an interview in his office in Kota Baru, Kelantan on his remarks that all Malays are to be in  one party. The following is the transcript of the interview with Nik Aziz.

The Petai (TP) : Tok Guru – can I call you TG? We would like to thank you for accepting our request for this interview. So TG, how have you been lately?

Tok Guru (TG) : Ok lah. Tak apa-apa. Only that when I get up in the morning, I have this terrible headache, I think I am tying my turban too tightly. Age is catching up, and we cannot expect everything to be as tight as it used to be (here TG winks at us and throws a glance at his very matured female clerk). You know what I mean, so it is time to loosen things up hehe…

TP: Oookaayy, so TG, what do you do to keep fit?

TG: I berlari 2 miles everyday, then berenang sedikit di Sungai Golok. After work, when I come home at about 3pm, again I go for a short jog, take my bath, do my prayers, have my meal – and do my husbandly duties with my wife later that night. That is probably one of the thing that is keeping me healthy, you should try it too but of course, not with my wife but with your own wife

TP: Again, oookaayy, so TG, what do you read to keep abreast with what is going on in Malaysia, the region and the world?

TG: (after about 10 seconds replies) I only read one thing, the Koran, everything that has happened, is happening, and going to happen is in the Koran, no newspaper, magazine or any other reading materials can beat the Koran…..and please do not use the word abreast again, it just threw me off, did you notice that I took some time to reply to your question. I want to keep my spiritual mind clean, use other words like “keep up” ohh, “keep up” also cannot, it will throw my mind off also – I will think of something later to replace such words… keep going! oouccchhh! I did it myself this time.

TP: Oookaayy, so TG, lets cut the chase and go straight for the jugular – in an interview today with Bernama, you mentioned that you want all Malays to be in one party, and that the party should be PAS. Would you like to comment on that?

TG: We do not want to confuse things too much for the Malay people –they are already a confused bunch. You have Umno, you have PBB (Parti Pesaka Bumiputera Bersatu), than you have PKR – so confusing, actually it’s very simple, no need so susah… (waves his hand in front of me like some Jedi) we alllllll shoulllldddd beeeeee under one bannnnnner, and thaaaatttt bannnnnnnner is PASssssssss…

TP: Ok TG, please stop waving your hand in-front of my face, I can still smell the belacan from your lunch on your fingers. So you are saying you want to keep it simple for the Malays?

TG: (now waving his fingers in-front of my face) Yyeeessssss…

TP: Than would it not be like in Indonesia during the Suharto era, where only 3 political parties were allowed to function and all the other parties had to choose among these 3 to function  – would not there be more in-fighting?

TG : Betul! Now we are talking baby. Nowadays the young ones don’t know how to fight. Like Ibrahim Ali and Nazri Aziz. What “you dare me I dare you?” “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine?” Sound like small boys comparing their wee-wees in the toilet. How to take them seriously? We need to go back to simpler times. When we can close the door and settle with our fists. You put me in the ring with Dr. M, give me gloves and let’s see who is the last man standing. That Dr. M he’s a tough one. He knows “Look East” karate. But I have my Kelantanese silat-muay thai hybrid khas! I am going to whack Dr. M into a pulp. His stupid face is just begging me to whack and slap him until he cries for mercy.  Did you ever notice that Dr. M does not have any emotions – when he gembira, he has that stupid look on his face, when he sedih, that same look is on his face, when he is reporting about something exciting, that same stupid sullen look is still on his face. At times I wonder if Dr. M is really alive, or he died and all his cronies have somehow kept his body alive and are pulling the strings from the back. Anyway, if we can get all the Malays into one party and if Dr. M is still alive, I would love to slug it out with Dr. M. The next person I want to slug it out with is Rais Yatim – that old fart needs to be sent to the mortuary and I will be doing all Malaysians a favour by sending him there.

TP : But TG, isn’t it better to have more parties, then there is diversification, and competition and more energies and ideas will flow because of this diversification.

TG: Who the hell cares about diversification and energies and idea and all these stupid crap.. I just want to slug it out with Dr. M and that old fart Rais. Or… oh-oh-oh we can have a threesome, Dr. M, the old fart Rais and me in the ring at the same time – it will be like killing two birds with one stone, more like two stupid birds. And one person who is stoned from the excitement of killing two birds. Ohhh, I am getting so raunchy thinking about it.

TP: So your idea is to get everybody under one banner – so you can fight?

TG: Yes yes yes, how else on earth can we kill all these corrupt, filthy, dirty, unspeakable Umno politicians – get them into one place and nuke them!!

TP: Do you think God will approve of this?

TG: Hai, we in PAS have rules that we play by. In PAS, we have the Ulama who decides if God approves or not – who are we to approve such things. We leave it to the Ulama to decide. But God is always forgiving. So inilah begitu, you know what I think.

TP: Going back to the Umno guys, how are you going to convince them, and the other Malay parties to join you.

TG: I have this elaborate plan, use money.

TP: What part of using money is elaborate?

TG: For Umno, money is enough elaboration, no need to explain anymore. They will come in droves to join PAS. And seeing that, all the other Malay parties will also join us HAHAHAHAHAHA (pauses for awhile with a strange faraway look on his face). Once Umno has joined us, we will kill all their stupid leaders, in Umno’s case, that means killing all the leaders – then together with the Umno ground guys – we will rule Malaysia as One Country Under Islam.

TP: But what if the Umno guys who join PAS kills off all the PAS leaders and take over the whole of Malaysia – I mean, that is a possible scenario you guys in PAS might want to ponder.

TG: Please lah, we are talking about Umno. When they join PAS, we will give them a door gift – which is actually a small bag of goodies like biscuits, sweets, kuih-muih inside  – but at the same time, we will also place some arak inside the bag – and being Umno guys, they will definitely go for the arak, that is when we go and finish them off! HAHAHAHAHAHA (has a strange faraway look again).

TP : But TG, isn’t that evil?

TG: There is nothing evil about killing evil – it is okay (munches on his keropok).

TP: Do you think you will succeed?

TG: Of course I will succeed – my horoscope last week stated that I will succeed in whatever I do, so you see, I will succeed.

TP: Ok, lets say for argument’s sake you succeed – and you get all the Malays in one party and you kill off all your opponents, or in your words, the evil Malays – what then?

TG: Ahhhhhh, that will be Syurga – and then we will straight go to a goldsmith, recycle some of the gold dinars to make a crown, and I will wear a crown and rule Malaysia – that will solve my stupid morning headache problem J

Faced with falling support from everybody but ex-Umno-ites, former civil servants, generals and senior police officers who incidentally are not his constituents, Ibrahim Ali shows his cards in a plan to go all-out on “4 birds.”

PASIR MAS, Oct 7 – Ibrahim Ali is an embattled man. He is surrounded on all four corners by enemies, real and imagined. Take for example a previously thought of ally, his constituents from the town of Pasir Mas. They have now turned their backs on the man who has faithfully devoted more than 20 years of his life to protecting their Bumiputera rights.

Says a constituent: “I have only (one) thing to describe Datuk Ibrahim. He has a very short attention span and only knows how to talk. You can see for yourselves. What has he done? Only knows how to talk. He talks about the Malay community, (about) unity. But in the end, (there is) no change.”

Needless to say, Ibrahim was angered by the ingratitude on display in his home town, much less his birth village of Kampung Kasar (a very befitting name for the birthplace of Ibrahim, we may add). Bearing the brunt of his rage were the unfortunate wife, children, cook, cleaner and sweeper residing in his home who, in his words, “have all the rights, but their rights differ from one another,” in particular his own.

Now a revitalized Ibrahim, calmed after venting his frustration, has come out with his secret plan to “kill 4 birds with 1 stone.” He revealed this at a closed-door meeting during which he huddled with close advisers and Perkasa supporters, all of whom are either wearing starched shirts or service uniforms in a sea of green, blue and white.

“Ada empat burung kecil yang kita mesti musnah. Burung pertama hingga ketiga ada yang dinamai Nazri, Khairy dan Ku Nan. Apa yang paling bahaya ialah burung keempat. Itu dipanggil pengundi sesat Pasir Mas!”

After an uproarious hoot of approval from the audience, Ibrahim went on to present his strategy to make good on his promise to reveal the secrets of Perkasa’s public enemies number 1, 2 and 3, while at the same time win back support from voters.

In order to deal with all four problems at the same time, Ibrahim will follow the footsteps of his long-time ally and mentor Tun Dr Mahathir, and announced that, like the latter, a musical will be staged to present Ibrahim’s story to the masses in Pasir Mas.

Aptly titled “Muzikal Pahlawan Ibrahim,” the production is loosely based on Ibrahim’s life story, and takes creative liberties with the Sejarah Melayu as well as draws inspiration from the beloved Hikayat Hang Tuah. Amongst scenes that are planned for inclusion are parables from Ibrahim’s childhood and a grand Wayang Kulit segment showing how Ibrahim, armed with a mythical keris, overcame local rivals to become an MP, before conscientiously making the jump from Umno to Semangat 46 to PAS, where after a brief struggle between his beliefs and his loyalty to his comrades, he came to the conclusion that the only way forward was to become an Independent who fights for Life, Liberty and the Bumiputera Way. The show will also feature a mini-drama depicting Ibrahim as a troubled young man who found enlightenment in NEP and vowed to defend justice as an indefatigable policy maker by day and the vigilante “Bumi man” by night who strikes fear in all who dare question the policy of affirmative action.

One of the highlights of the musical will be a dance sequence reminiscent of The Full Monty in which Ibrahim himself will make an appearance on stage to “reveal” the secrets of Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz, Khairy Jamaluddin and Datuk Seri Tengku Adnan Tengku Mansor. Apparently Ibrahim will go on stage wearing 3 pieces of clothing, each of which is inscribed with the DNA of Nazri, Khairy and Ku Nan. In tandem with appropriately raunchy music, Ibrahim will slowly reveal their DNA secrets.

Most importantly, Ibrahim will begin and end the show with a pledge of allegiance to King and Country. This is in line with his declaration that loyalty to the King was utmost ahead of country or race, which contrasts greatly with Nazri’s “Malaysian first, Malay second” and Deputy Prime Minister Muhyiddin Yassin’s “Malay first, Malaysian second.”

On the whole, the audience at the closed-door meeting appeared to respond enthusiastically to this strategy that will be a keystone of Perkasa’s salvation, and reacted positively to every twist and turn proposed by Ibrahim on the musical’s plot. There were however a couple of grimaces from stony-faced military men when Ibrahim was highlighting his Full Monty dance sequence. They appeared to have recovered when Ibrahim noted his intent to declare pledges of allegiance to the King.

Says a four-star military man who refuses to be named: “It is unfortunate that Datuk Ibrahim has to incorporate the dance sequence. But we accept that it is sometimes necessary to use evil to fight evil. The future of Perkasa rides on the success of this production, and we supporters will back him however we can, even if we have to take off our uniforms in the process.”

It is understood that some of the stony-faced military men will play supporting roles in the musical, including featuring as extras during the Full Monty dance. Would-be actors are said to be undergoing training in specially-choreographed drills influenced by the famous YMCA music video originally filmed by the Village People.

KUCHING, OCT 6 – It’s official: Sarawak plans to buy over the Bakun hydroelectric dam from the Federal Government. The state intends to turn the 215 meter high dam into an exclusive “Water Theme Park in The Rainforest.”

Sarawak Chief Minister Tan Sri Abdul Taib Mahmud announced yesterday in a special press conference in Kuching North City Hall on how the Sarawak state government will convert the much maligned hydroelectric dam into what he calls an “eco-friendly tourist trap in a tropical setting.” A top level Sarawak official who we spoke to after the press conference told us that “the water theme park will showcase scenes of Malaysian life.” Also stressed had been rides that are “so extreme, nobody else has been insane enough to think of them before.”

Amongst the proposed rides include one called “Illegal Immigrants” where theme park visitors will be crowded onto a small sampan which will then be chased by PDRM and MMEA boats across the Balui River before the visitors are pushed off in the middle of a pool and told to swim quickly to shore. The first ten visitors who reach the shore will get a MyKad replica with their names embossed on it.

Also previewed was a ride called “The Unsinkable RMN Submarine” where park visitors will ride aboard a RMN submarine replica into the middle of the Bakun Reservoir. The vessel, specially built in France, will then submerge to allow guests to enjoy the view of the dam floor from special glass windows. All will seem fine for five minutes and then the pipes and valves will start to leak before sprouting into geysers that threaten to sink the vessel. Visitors will then have a choice of whether to stay and face certain death or to try to reach the surface through emergency hatches. We were informed that park workers will use a salvage boat to retrieve the replica for recycling after each ride so as to lessen the environmental impact of operating such an immersive and realistic ride. Visitors who survive the ride will also be given commendation letters from the Ministry of Defence, while a Navy representative will be on hand to recruit survivors aged 18 to 35 for the submarine force. The official did not talk about the fate of visitors who do not survive the ride. When queried, he noted that it was not an issue as Sarawakians were known to be excellent swimmers.

The final cost of the Bakun dam was estimated to be upwards of RM7 billion after numerous delays and had forced thousands of locals from their ancestry homes. It had been touted to be able to provide for all of Sarawak’s future electricity needs. However the worsening economic situation in Sarawak meant that the increased electricity supply will not be needed for at least another twenty years.

Minister for Energy, Green Technology and Water Datuk Seri Peter Chin Fah Kui commented that Tan Sri Abdul Taib’s transformation plans for the Bakun Dam were unorthodox but admitted that “well we can always build another dam if we need more money… I mean… electricity”.

Deputy Chief Minister Dr. George Chan endorsed the water theme park plan and added that this plan was truly 1Malaysia as the size of the park would enable “all 29 million Malays, Bumiputeras, Chinese and Indians and 1 million Filipino and Indonesian illegal immigrants in East Malaysia to play together”.

Sources inform us that the Sarawak government has additional plans to include the revamped water theme park as part of the RM1.3 trillion Economic Transformation Programme, and more money has been earmarked for its development. The timeline for the programme was “anytime as long as it is before the next Sarawak State Elections.” According to an anonymous source, it was unlikely that the renovation works
Sungai Asap Angin, 36, a Beluga local who was forced to evict because of the building of the former Bakum Dam, told us of his disappointment.

“The exact site where my ancestors headhunted is now going to be where thousands of kids are going to wee-wee in! How can I face my bapak?” asked an unnerved Sungai Asap who was concerned about the proposed location of the child wading pool.

More disappointing to Sungai Asap perhaps is that the proposed price of a 1-Day Family Economy ticket (2 adults & 2 children), at RM 140, is actually slightly more than the total compensation that his entire longhouse received when it was evicted.

Some consolation for Sungai Asap could be found in the hundreds of jobs the park is expected to generate, including ride operators, costumed performers (the park’s mascot is an androgynous, weirdly lovable headhunter hauling shrunken heads), food and beverage hawkers and trinket peddlers selling, yes you got it, shrunken heads.

PUTRAJAYA, 17 Aug 2010 – Malaysians have in recent times been reading about the horror of babies being dumped. Going by what we have been reading, this is usually done by teenagers, who get caught up in the moment of things, or heat of the passion, and are unable to cope with the consequences. The government is mulling on whether to charge these baby dumpers with murder. Is this really going to solve the problem? Since 2004, Datuk Seri Shahrizat Jalil has been telling people not to discard new-borns, but that has not changed anything. Everybody knows that dumping a baby is wrong – but why does this keep on happening?
This problem, which is not only peculiar to Malaysia but is a world wide phenomenon, can never be eradicated; it can only be minimized. The only way to do this is to approach the problem with a “multi-prong attack”.

Education
First there must be education, that sex is a part of life. It is as important as breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping etc – and the sexual energy that is in all of us is intertwined with our DNA. As such, we have to accept that people have sex. Teach our children to protect themselves.

Shelters
Half-way houses must be set up to help girls who are pregnant but want to give up their child for adoption. These houses must be located far away from prying eyes so that there is privacy.
The easiest way out of this child dumping problem would be to sentence to death a few dumpers and the message would get across. However, the wiser thing to do would be to educate and provide facilities for our children so that they can take the necessary measures to protect themselves. Let’s give POWER to life!

“We need to fix him (Ibrahim Ali). Permanently. How about a gender change?”

Khairy Jamaluddin has always been described as one of the more astute and malleable political creatures of the Dewan Rakyat. We examine Khairy’s psyche in this exclusive…

Thurs, Aug 5, 2010

A year is a long time in politics. Just look at Khairy “call me KJ” Jamaluddin. The scion of the admittedly lacking Abdullah Badawi legacy, KJ has, since his father-in-law’s departure in 2009, become something of a black sheep in UMNO. We see this in his epic battle over the Pemuda leadership when KJ, mucked by accusations of corruption, went on to be shunned by Najib. Tengku Razaleigh accused KJ of inaction, and some in Pemuda agree that the latter was licking his wounds and failing to keep his eye on Malay rights. There are already sporadic accounts of revolts, first at a February exco meeting when some expressed their displeasure with their new chief, and then more recently with rumors of mutiny, plots, and intrigues. Strangely, there seems to be a shortage of coverage on this revolt in KJ-friendly media, most notably The Malaysian Insider and The Nut Graph. Joining an elite group comprising only Free Malaysia Today (for now), The Petai speaks to Khairy on his political survival and gets some surprising answers that no one expects him to say in public.

TP: Do you feel any pressure to swing a keris around at exco meetings?

KJ: Everyone asks me that and they always give me a strange look when I tell them I don’t like swinging kerises around. Look I know you all think this is what Pemuda does but you’re wrong! Before (Home Minister and former Youth Chief) Hisham started this nonsense, Pemuda chiefs only had to threaten to use a keris. Just look at Ops Lalang. All Najib had to do was threaten to soak a keris in Chinese blood. Things have gone downhill since Hisham took over and swung an actual keris around. I don’t blame him for it though. He was under a lot of pressure in 2005 to vindicate his leadership to the hardliners. I can still remember that day as if it was just yesterday. He broke down in tears during an exco meeting and begged for mercy before conceding to the keris waving proposal. I swore then that I would never bow down to such embarrassment.

TP: That was really insightful. A lot of people don’t realise the stresses faced by Pemuda leaders. It’s that bad huh?

KJ: It is! You always have to play to the faithful and appear overly-enthusiastic on matters you could care less about. And then there is this feeding frenzy mentality from the young wannabe ikan yu. All these hounds who are braying for blood, nipping on your heels, pestering you to go further, faster and louder, and they are all hoping that when you’ve gone too far, too fast and too loud you’ll fall from grace and they can replace you. And when your instincts tell you to moderate the more extremist demands, they go the other way and say you’re lesu. And they still plot behind your back to replace you.

TP: But why are you so stubborn on the keris waving? Isn’t it easier to concede? Many past Youth leaders have given in and yet went on to bigger and better things.

KJ: When you give them a hand, they’ll take an arm. They even tried to make a conciliatory gesture by asking me what other weapon I am willing to swing at meetings. I told them I will only swing a real M-16 around. This, I said, was because keris swinging is too humdrum in UMNO and has lost its shock value. If I had a real M-16 with real rounds, I think I can do better at exciting UMNO delegates. A few shots and they will be crying for mommy and crapping their pants. Of course they couldn’t get me an M-16. (KJ had spent a month training in the Territorial Army.)

All those years grinning and bearing as Hisham’s deputy taught me that waving a keris has other implications too. Like polishing the blade for too many hours instead of doing something more productive like rousing a mob in the streets. Or preparing press releases to convince people that Hisham has not gone bonkers. I’m so glad Hisham took the Panca Warisan with him to Home Affairs. I hear he’s developed a taste for swinging it and now uses it to cow people like (Attorney-General) Abdul Gani Patail and (Inspector General of Police) Musa Hassan into submission. I’m afraid the keris has changed him irreparably and meetings at Home Affairs are never the same again. I hear they are now S&M sessions with whips and latex costumes.

I know a lot of Malaysia’s leaders made a name for themselves as pretend-ultras. The only exception was (former Prime Minister) Mahathir, who was a natural-born ultra. That one didn’t need any encouragement to soak kerises in anyone’s blood. He will not only tikam someone, he will twist the keris and smile while doing it. But I’m convinced we need change. And to all who doubt Pemuda can change, I only have nine words for you: Yes we can, and that’s because I say so.

TP: You described yourself as a “centrist radical” to Malaysiakini. Care to explain what that means?

KJ: A centrist radical is someone who will lead protests against the Great Satan America and its Zionist Pakatan spies and at the same time encourage free trade with the world’s biggest economy while sending your military to participate in peacekeeping missions to develop international goodwill.

TP: Isn’t that contradictory? First you attack America and then you want to trade with it.

KJ: That’s just like how I attack Anwar and Pakatan vehemently and then I borrow ideas and sound bites like “Little Napoleon” from them. If you didn’t know already, I’m a politician. This is what we politicians do. We look at which way the wind blows and we try to lean in the right direction. Grow up man. It’s just business. If you don’t have the stomach for it, get out of the kitchen.

TP: You mentioned that there’s a lot of pressure on Pemuda leaders. One recent source of pressure is Tengku Razaleigh…

KJ: I think Ku Li is getting old and has lost his marbles. How can he say Pemuda is responsible for the Perkasa goons? Has he even seen some of the reports the Youth Lab has prepared? Does he even know how modern Malay youths think? Unlike old timers like Ku Li, Mahathir, Ibrahim Ali and Khir Toyo, I know everything about how Malay youths think. Facebook, Twitter, MSN, Maple Story and DotA. I’ve spent every waking hour tinkering with these… things. So I can say I know everything about youths. I know youths nowadays are only concerned about parties, money, and branded goods. It’s all about consumerism. Anything that has ‘i’ in it will get their passions up. You know, like iPhone, iPad or iPod. Only old fogies think that youths use Blackberry, or have time for intellectualism or existential questions like Malay rights. Malay youths look at all these arguments and ask “Just what is this Malay rights thing and what’s in it for me?” Can Malay rights ensure that the iPhone 4’s antenna is fixed before it’s released by Maxis? Or that the white iPhone will be on sale in Malaysia? Can Malay rights ensure that StarCraft 2 multiplayer servers will not suck? Can Malay rights lower the prices of Gucci and Prada handbags? Or Jimmy Choo shoes? Youths live in the present, and think of the future. For them, the past is irrelevant and tomorrow couldn’t come sooner.

If Ku Li thinks he can do a better job, he should try contesting Pemuda’s leadership next year. Unfortunately, he’s too old. He’s better off trying to start a “Warga Emas UMNO” to run as his personal fiefdom instead of butting into Pemuda’s business. His ex-Semangat 46 comrades can join him too.

TP: So it’s true you’re stepping down as Pemuda chief. Why?

KJ: I will always be a youth at heart. Even when I’m very old, I will still get on a bike and terrorise the Rembau ‘hood. I think Pemuda is generally made up of nice people. First you need to know the secret handshakes and gang signs. And get a couple of tattoos and a rap sheet with the MACC so you can build your reputation. But it’s worth all the trouble when you get into the family. It’s just the old troublemakers that spoil the fun. They always pile the blame on convenient scapegoats like me for their performance issues. I think they should take some Viagra before they talk about other people’s performance.

TP: Does this have anything to do with the mutiny reported by Free Malaysia Today that is going on behind the scenes against friendly state chiefs?

KJ: I don’t understand what these people want from me. They say my branch leaders are underperforming. Just what kind of performance do they expect? A Dusun song and dance ceremony with a spear and shield, replete with threats to dip the spear in the blood of certain races?

I have a message for troublemakers in Selangor, Perak and Johor: You think you can take me on? Try me. I’m waiting for you. Give me your best shot. My ass is dangling out here, waiting for you cowards to make your move. If you can’t muster the courage to come out of the closet, get the f*** out of my Pemuda.

TP: I think Ku Li and the Pemuda rank and file are concerned that the organisation’s traditional responsibility is being challenged by Perkasa.

KJ: Here we go again with the Malay rights thing. When will you people understand that Malay youths are apathetic about Malay rights? With a 65% Bumiputera majority that is growing exponentially given the decreasing numbers of Chinese and Indians, just what is this concern about Malay rights? If emigration and falling birth rates keep up, there won’t be any Chinese or Indian left. Then what will UMNO do when everyone’s a Bumiputera? Fight for only “Malay” Malays against Orang Asli, Penan, Ibans, Kadazan-Dusun, and the like?

Besides, defending Malay rights isn’t just Pemuda’s job. It’s not for Perkasa or UMNO to say that oh we’re the knight in shining armor for the Malays. Malay rights is something that all Malaysians – Malays, Indians and Chinese – play a role in.

TP: … huh?

KJ: Indians and Chinese have an interest in defending Malay rights too. Because when we Malays feel secure, they too are secure. This requires a mindset change to accomplish. My youth lab is looking into how MCA and MIC Youth can persuade Chinese and Indian youths to believe that Malay rights are also their rights.

TP: But can the Indians and Chinese –

KJ: We love all, we don’t discriminate.

TP: You can’t expect them to agree to –

KJ: Oh yes we can.

TP: … moving on –

KJ: Let this be a warning to any turncoat in Pemuda. My people are looking into the FMT report. My Worldwide Loyalty Team is looking into the FMT report and will submit a lab report on any mutinous or seditious influences on the ground. When we’re done with the investigation, spies caught will get to sleep with the fishes. With concrete boots. This stinks of a Khir Toyo stay-behind operation and we’ll get to the bottom even if there’s collateral damage.

TP: That sounds ruthless even for you.

KJ: When dealing with Brutus, one can never be too careful.

TP: In the past month you’ve found an unexpected ally in Wee Ka Siong.

KJ: I’m surprised how close I’ve become to Wee. We started cautiously, both trying to feel the other out. I mean, you never know which orientation the other guy bats for. Someone could be straight as a whistle and yet secretly harbour a longing for forbidden pleasures. That’s exactly how Wee is. I started by sending a message to test the waters during the scholarships fiasco and he reciprocated. One thing led to another and before we know it, we were exchanging regular messages both on Facebook and Twitter. We even started making arrangements for intimate rendezvouses, and this one time, we made reservations for a room at –

TP: Glad you two have a good relationship. Let’s talk about Ibrahim. I’m sure Petai readers are going to be interested in your take on your formidable adversary.

KJ: Ibrahim formidable? That’s a joke right? He’s a turncoat and an attention hog leading a flock of vultures. Just because he has a fly-by-night NGO at his beck and call he thinks he can hold UMNO hostage. And the worst thing is, he actually believes he is popular. That’s what you get when you have a worm eating too much s*** for too many years. Somebody should fix this abomination. Permanently.

TP: What do you think should be done to fix him?

KJ: I can’t tell you offhand what should be done to him without being impolite. Let’s see… how about a gender change? I’d love to hear him sing like a girl after that. Or surgery to shut his trap?

TP: (Clears throat) Right. You said Ibrahim is an attention hog. Aren’t you in the news very often too?

KJ: Unlike him, I only say something to the press when I have reason to. Like when I need to sling muck at Ibrahim for example, or when I’m trying to gain political mileage. I even told my Pemuda members that hogging attention of any kind is very annoying. They should only speak when they’re spoken to. They should sit down and listen to their leader. Or they can leave Pemuda. We have to end this “entering the frame” culture. Malaysian politics is not a 24-hour CNN news cycle.

TP: Ibrahim had some unkind things to say about you in a recent interview . What do you have to say about his allegation that your only qualification to run Pemuda is your relationship with former PM Abdullah?

I’ve read that interview. Of course being the son-in-law of Abdullah helps. Let’s be frank here. If I had not known Abdullah or my wife, I wouldn’t have joined politics. I’m an Oxford man with certifiable bumi qualifications. I could’ve been out and about swimming in billions of ringgit, wine and dine with Paris Hilton, party in socialite New York clubs and living it up with Hollywood starlets on Cristal champagne like Joh Low, who isn’t even bumi. Instead, I am here dealing with jaguh kampung like Ibrahim. Sometimes I think life isn’t fair.

TP: Is this what we can expect from Khairy Jamaluddin in the coming months? A shift to the middle and quick punches against the right?

KJ: I don’t think there’s a shift. It’s more a coming of age. I’ve cleaned up my act. I had to get rid of my thuggish past and pray people forget about the whole Mat Cemerlang fiasco. And then there’s those “fourth-floor boy” accusations. There’s also plenty of tough self-introspection. You know one of the advantages of stepping down as Ketua Pemuda is I can finally be my own man. No more Jekyll and Hyde transformations between bleeding-heart liberal and cold-heartless ultra. There were moments when I honested didn’t know what I was doing. Wielding placards and swearing bloody murder at people I didn’t know were one of the more illogical things I had to do as a card-carrying member of Pemuda. Now I’ve decided that I’ll stay true to myself. You may call me names now. But I don’t think you’ll find many changes in my politics 10, 20 years down the road. As for the punches, yeah I do sometimes find I need to work off steam against certain people. Speaking from personal experience, having a knuckle duster really helps.

TP: So what’s the difference between old Khairy and new Khairy?

KJ: I think the old Khairy would be very puzzled by the inconveniences taken by the new Khairy. The old Khairy would’ve preferred to work silently to double- or triple-cross his enemies. He would certainly hold onto the Pemuda leadership post for as long as his cold dead hands can hold. New Khairy had been accustomed to things like not getting favours from Bapak Mentua, groveling for positions after being left out, and being snubbed by just about everyone. The new me is more resilient for it, and doesn’t hold grudges as easily as the old me.

TP: Where do you go from here? A lot of people are interested in the post-Pemuda Khairy. Some speculate you might be targeting a supreme council post. The skeptics seem to think you’re angling for a better job by attenuating your message to be 1Malaysia friendly.

KJ: I take that you’ve read the report in The Star . They’re very kind to me you know? They even said I was tall, dark and handsome.

TP: Well you are tall and dark. I’m sure many women would consider you handsome.

KJ: Don’t let my wife hear that! Otherwise Bapak Mentua will have my head on a platter. I’m serious, don’t laugh. You all think Abdullah is a sleepyhead who’s out of touch with people around him. Actually these people around him are being had! Abdullah is the Godfather of Penangite politics before the young upstart Lim Guan Eng stepped into the picture. Even now, Abdullah is plotting and counter-plotting against Mahathir. It’s a chess game played out over the generations, and people like Najib, Hisham, Mukhriz and me are pawns on the board. The only difference is Mahathir is noisier than Abdullah, who prefers the silent kill. Don’t make the same mistake I made and underestimate Abdullah.

Despite what you hear, even I don’t know where I’m headed. I know many people think this departure is some strategic ploy to buy time for some grand master plan. But the new Khairy doesn’t have time for strategy, unlike the old Khairy. It’s all shooting from the hip like the Wild West from here on out.

An earlier interview with Khairy when he was moonlighting as a taxi driver can be found in the following video clip. In it he describes his enthusiasm for Malaysian football, the English language and party-hopping.

PUTRAJAYA, 8 July 2010 – According to the Star, a total of RM10 billlion was overpaid by over 800,000 Malaysian taxpayers. And now Mr. Taxman wants to return the money to all those who have overpaid (yeah rite!).
The Petai would like to advise all good tax-paying Malaysians to go immediately to the Inland Revenue Board office in Pandan Indah to re-claim your excesses. Going by what has been learnt from the Internet, it is not going to be an easy affair. As such, it will be a good idea to bring along your receipts, your proof of spending, your explanation, your mother’s KP, your father’s KP, your neighbor’s KP – be prepared for anything and everything when visiting them.
It is a well known fact that most UMNO politicians do not read the papers, let alone reading itself – so it will take some time before the UMNO guys get wind of this “golden windfall”. So please do go down as soon as possible and get your hands on your money before they get their hands on it. Good Luck!!!

SIBU, May 17 – First it had been campaign billboards with not-so-subtle hints that electing a DAP representative would mean the end of kampua mee as locals know it. Then came the rebuttal from DAP candidate Wong Ho Leng (while tucking into a plate of the delicacy) that he was committed to defending the “Sibu way of life” and that his family loves kampua mee. We assume, of course, that Wong meant that the Sibu way of life equates to non-halal kampua mee and that non-halal kampua mee equates to the very heart of Sibu.

Now it seems both sides are slugging or, dare we say, pigging it out to convince voters that they can keep their favorite foods once the dust settles and Sibu returns to its quiet normalcy.

“Sibu voters are smart enough to know that a vote for me is a vote for kompia done right,” proclaimed SUPP candidate Robert Lau Hui Yew as he demolished a stack of the pastries stuffed with savory meat filling.

“With SUPP, you may keep your kueh cap, but will you enjoy it? DAP will ensure the portions stay the same and your stomach stay satisfactorily full,” trumpeted DAP campaign director Chong Chieng Jen who helped himself to heaps of pig offals braised in dark sauce.

Even independent Narawi Haron is getting into the act by endorsing a chikuteh joint.

“As someone who is half Malay and half Chinese, I’m very disappointed in Barisan and Pakatan for espousing subliminally discriminatory messages. What’s wrong with the taste of halal kampua mee? It doesn’t matter what the ‘proper’ taste of food is so long as people like it.”