UNDISCLOSED BUNKER SOMEWHERE, Feb 5 –The Petai’s legal ape has this message for the kind people at the Communications and Multimedia Commission (SKMM), in particular His Excellency the Minister for Information, Communications, Culture and Arts, Datuk Seri Dr Rais Yatim:

Please don’t sue us. We are already broke as it is trying to maintain the web host, and the ad revenues are not coming in like our marketing chimpanzees said it would. If we have to settle, we can only offer bananas.

To reassure the ministry (and the Attorney-General’s Chambers’ watchmen) that the Petai practices responsible reporting, our writing monkeys have been issued guidelines as well as special Pavlovian training using peanuts and electric shocks. Every time they flout the guidelines, a non-lethal electric current will be allowed to flow briefly through the tasers we’ve installed on the base of their chairs, reminding them in a civilised manner that what they’ve written is wrong and anti-Malaysian. On the contrary, a writing monkey that submits a compliant report will be rewarded with a single peanut that will be dropped onto its desk through a hole in the roof.

Essentially, we will be following procedures that our colleagues at Radio Television Malaysia (RTM) have put in place to ensure that their writing monkeys produce Malaysia-friendly reports.

Although we cannot say more about what these guidelines may be (since RTM might sue us for revealing their trade secrets), loyal readers would notice that some rather unnecessary self-censorship have taken place recently here at the Petai. These include altering pictures to protect the identity of a (racist) special officer, proper accreditation of sources, and even close cooperation with a SKMM operative to ensure that we do not cross the line on the passing of the Sultan of Johor.

Our readers would expect to see more of this censorship responsible reporting in the coming weeks in our coverage of Sodomy II to ensure that sensationalism do not get the better of our writing monkeys.

As such, we would like to ask that SKMM withhold from any legal motions against the Petai, for we really do not want to be held accountable for cruelty to our writing monkeys.

So what does all this mean for you, our readers? For one, it means the news will come to you later stuffed full of interesting factoids about what makes our country great. For example, the story on Friday’s protest at the Federal Territory Mosque had been placed on the Petai too late to matter, but now contains 100% more mockery of the opposition, as approved by our SKMM operative. We understand that the delay was caused when our SKMM operative really had to take a leave of absence to relief stress at Port Dickson after spending many late nights at our bunker and RTM’s. He also mumbled something about ‘striking a deal with the devil’ and ‘selling my soul.’

Kuala Lumpur, 4 February 2010

There have been jokes circulating in the Internet about the age of our Information Communication and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Rais Yatim. Being a nosey website which we are, The Petai could not resist jumping onto this bandwagon. The following are contributions from us on jokes about Rais being so old, together with some of the notable ones floating on the net since eons back.

Rais is so old…

• Rais is so old, he could be a guest on National Geographic as a witness for the programme “How was the Earth made?”
• Rais is so old, he negotiated with William Farquhar on the British Settlement in Malacca
• Rais is so old, he could have stopped the “pendatang” from coming to Malaysia
• Rais is so old that when he watched Jurassic Park, it brought back memories*
• Rais is so old, archeologists found paintings of him in caves in Australia*
• Rais is so old, he is the only person on earth who had a Sabre Tooth Tiger as a pet
• Rais is so old, that when he farts, scientists capture it and study it as “ancient gas”*
• Rais is so old, he fought alongside Hang Tuah against the Portuguese
• Rais is so old, his Kad Pengenalan nombor is 00000001*
• Rais is so old, when he dreams, it is in black and white*

* You’re probably thinking you’ve heard these before, and you’re probably right. We did however add the usual Petai twist.

Kuala Lumpur, January 18, 2010

Plans to create a bad-ass Internet blocker to protect the fragile minds of Malaysian have been dropped, says Minister for Information Communication and Culture Rais Yatim.

The minister however cautions that popular Internet applications such as Facebook and Twitter will and can definitely erode whatever culture this country has left, leaving citizens brainwashed and subservient to Western values such as freedom and democracy.

“The government cares, we care. That’s all. As do all concerned parents for their children, this government is just doing all we can to protect our citizens”, Rais explains in a slow and steady, word-by-word manner. Reporters and journalists gathered at the press conference duly appreciated the minister’s need to speak slowly and clearly, giving them time to write down every single word in their little notepads.

Indeed, Malaysia’s culture in recent months has appeared to undergo a revival and transformation of sorts as more dishes have been added to the national palate. The elevation of Hainanese chicken rice to the national menu by Tourism Minister Ng Yen Yen is a particularly proud moment for the country. Citizens polled by this paper have been quietly ecstatic with the hard-fighting moves enacted by this government since they were formed last year.

When asked if Malaysia culture would be devastated with plans to drop the bad-ass Internet blocker, Rais shook his head and this paper saw tears shimmering in his eyes. “Malaysia culture is strong, my fellow citizens! I will do everything I can to save this country of innocent children!”