UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, Feb 22 – Mama Ape had a firm belief in the corrective abilities of the rod, and the editorial board here at the Petai has continued this tradition in its treatment of its writing monkeys albeit in a humane manner with electric shocks from tasers.

Hence it was quite a shock to us (pun intended) that modern civilisations view corporeal punishment as archaic and a relic of the past. Even more shocking had been how a certain advocacy group had professed to be of a certain faith and yet had strangely condemned the caning of the Kajang 3 who were deserving of punishment as prescribed in a certain law. This despite reports that all 3 women felt that their sentences had brought them to a higher state of enlightenment, and that the caning had strangely made them felt repentant and on the right path to salvation, or something to that effect.

The Petai’s faith in the effectiveness of corporeal punishment however extends beyond gender boundaries. In the Qur’an, the Sura Nur (24:2) specifically recommends the following: “The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes; let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the last day; and let a party of the believers witness their punishment.”

In other words, it is not only the Kajang 3 who should be punished under the law, but also the 3 men they were having illicit sex with. A literal interpretation of the Qur’an would involve the whipping (and not caning) of all parties involved with a hundred strokes.

Since time immemorial, females have been referred to as the fairer sex, and modern sensitivities, in part influenced by corrupting western practices, have dictated a more lenient treatment, which the Petai feels has led to a decay in the morals of our great nation. Even worse, 1 of the 3 women was caned only 4 times while the other offenders, including 4 men, were given 6 strokes. One wonders what sort of logic was used in deciding that one should receive fewer strokes than the others, when all were convicted of illicit sex and bearing illegitimate children.

The Home Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein assures everyone that the sentences did not injure the Kajang 3 since special measures were taken to protect their well-being, but “caused pain within their souls.” Being strict constructionists, we here at the Petai observe that such measures thwart the intentions of the Qur’an, which had commanded followers to “show not the slightest compassion in inflicting punishment, or else they will land nothing less than their Faith itself in jeopardy.” (Dr. Fazl-ur-Rahman Ansari)

No sir, if we are to protect the virtue and chastity of our maidens and young men, we need to bring back the long-forgotten traditions of flogging with a hundred stripes, such as is still practiced in certain Middle-eastern countries. Most importantly, we should show no mercy to both men and women, and if the western world interferes in our traditions, we shall satisfy their concern for gender equality by doubling the punishment for men (200 strokes of the whip). This would indicate to the international community that we are not discriminating by gender, and that Malaysia is still a moderate Muslim country.

Putrajaya, 18 February 2010

It was reported that 4 men and 3 women have been caned in Kajang Prison on 9 Feb 10 for committing illicit sex under the Syariah law.  The Petai is totally confused over the matter because the maths simply just does not add up – 4 men and 3 women? We in The Petai have come up with various permutations to give a little more resolution to the matter. Here goes:-

1. There were two couples and the last lady of the three was having the company of two men;
2. There was one couple, one guy with two girls, and two guys doing the Saiful thing;
3. There were only three couples, the fourth guy was a peeping tom;
4. The three girls were lesbians and the four guys were just watching;
5. There were actually four couples, but the missing girl for the last couple was actually a minister’s wife, so she got away scot-free;
6. It was supposed to be an orgy for eight, but one of the girl got stuck in the Bukit Bintang traffic jam;
7. They were filming a porn clip and the fourth man was actually a cameraman.

That is all we can come up with. We would like to ask our readers to contribute any other permutations they can come up with in helping matters to be a little clearer in our Malaysian landscape.

Shah Alam, 1 February 2010

Female students in higher learning institutes in Selangor are encouraged not to wear panties on Valentine’s Day as a sign of love for their boyfriends. This “no panties promotion” has gained popularity through word-of-mouth and other electronic forms with students there.

As usual, JAIS (Selangor Islamic Affairs Department) too got a whiff of this promotion and this has riled up its director, Datuk Mohammed Khusrin Munawi.  Using words such as “disgusting”, “not stylish”, “unhygienic”, “you might catch a cold”, Khusrin went on to state that his men would be looking into this matter very closely. He added that his men would go down personally to these institutes and ensure that girls would be wearing their panties this February 14. These JAIS officers would also be carrying spare panties and these panties would be handed out to girls who are not wearing any on that day and they will be forced to wear them on the spot.

Khusrin ended by saying that as long as JAIS is around, no girls will be without panties at these institutes of higher learning on Valentine’s Day.