KUALA LUMPUR, Feb 8 – The masterminds behind Friday’s protest against the trial of the de facto leader of an imploding Opposition Coalition have declared the event a success, despite an abysmal turnout of a little over 30 participants, most of whom had been party cadres.

“What do you mean ‘if we are satisfied about the turnout’? Today’s turnout is great! This is just the beginning of a new lineup of events we have planned to free our leader,” replied Tian Chua, the party’s Communications Czar, in response to a question from a reporter.

He also dismissed another reporter when she remarked that the protest, which took place outside the Federal Territory Mosque, lasted a mere 10 minutes before participants retired to a nearby mamak stall to wrap up the event with rounds of teh tarik.

“We ended early because we found out the case was adjourned to Monday. We needed to conserve our energy as this is a long and grueling battle for truth, justice and the Malaysian way. The future is being fought over in this trial, and it is important that we ration our resources so that we do not succumb to fatigue like the evil UMNOputras want us to.”

The Czar also revealed that Monday will see another round of protest, and that reinforcements will be bussed in from outside Selangor, as ‘city people are just too apathetic.’

Update on 8/2: Since the case had been adjourned indefinitely after the Opposition Leader’s legal team moved to dismiss the judge, the Petai understands that the planned protests had been called off and in its absence the Coalition will be hosting muck-slinging matches to accommodate its infighting members. One wonders if there is still a Coalition left for the Leader to lead should he ever get out of his legal mess.

MCA Deputy President Chua Soi Lek recently called for a meeting with MCA President Ong Tee Keat and MCA Vice President Liow Tiong Lai to resolve the sticky MCA leadership crisis. At the same time, Petaling Jaya Selatan MCA Chairman Lim Siang Chai called for a resolution before Chinese New Year on February 14 (coincidentally also Valentine’s Day).

Speaking to Petai at an MCA function yesterday, Chua said that it was not good to begin the Year of the Tiger on a sour note. According to his personal fengshui and Chinese almanac consultant Master See Bey Zun, the Year of the Tiger was a particularly bad year for squabbles which could potentially split the party up. Separately, Lim explained that Master See, who was widely consulted by MCA members in Petaling Jaya, had predicted that a failure to resolve the crisis would mean an unromantic Valentine’s Day for all married MCA members.

However, an insider source for Petai revealed that there could be another more embarrassing reason behind Chua’s wish to solve issues before the Chinese New Year. Reportedly, DVD pirate syndicates in Johor are planning to release a Valentine’s Day cum Chinese New Year special of Chua’s infamous sex DVD together with a guide on how to catch cheating spouses.

The source said, “At least if Chua managed to do something for the MCA, he could distract attention away from the new DVD release and prevent his wife from rejecting his roses on Valentine’s Day.”

Kuala Lumpur: Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s sodomy charge cannot stand as medical reports do not suggest that there was any penetration, the High Court heard yesterday. We ask Malaysians on their opinion of this story.

Fadzil Kamarudin, 42 (Lipis, Pahang) - No penetration?? How come?? You mean Saiful planned everything so painstakingly but he forgot to penetrate himself? Alamak, how, like that? Is it too late to do it now?

Lim Tua Tao, 26(Kerian, Perak) - I don’t care whether got penetrate or not. I don’t care whether Anwar is gay or not. I will support anyone who remembers that we cina are Malaysians too! If Anwar wants my backside, I will give it to him! If Anwar wants me to penetrate him, I’ll do just that!! I sacrifice for my bangsa cina!!!

Ekagrah Sulek, 65 (Sungai Pelek, Selangor) - Oi, give him chance lah, maybe he really can’t help it. If Anwar can save our temples, I don’t really care whoever or whatever he penetrates in his free time.

Sheridan Maksak, 81 (Kapalai Island, Sabah) - What is penetration? … Oh, you mean it’s salah ar, to do that? Ai yah, since they love each other, just let them penetrate lah. Doesn’t hurt you right??