CHERAS, Apr 05 – Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein assures the public that the Hulu Selangor by-election will be free from unruliness and that he personally guaranteed that the event will be carried out responsibly.

“Due to the high stakes involved and the importance attached to this district, the Home Ministry will be extra vigilant to ensure people do not take matters into their own hands.”

“Instead, FRU (Federal Reserve Unit) and UTK (Special Action Team) will take this matter into their responsible hands by means of a special deployment to protect voters from intimidation and to ensure that they vote responsibly. Hulu Selangor residents should know what I mean,” Datuk Seri Hishammuddin said ominously while giving a wink to reporters at a press session held after a shooting test at PDRM’s General Operations Force Central Brigade headquarters in Cheras yesterday.

The Home Minister then went into a long-winded tirade of sorts, touching on seemingly unrelated issues such as responsible driving, responsible spending, and responsible care for the aged and the under-aged. Brandishing a PDRM Walther P99 service pistol and gesturing excitedly with it (causing some reporters to wince just like when he once wielded the keris Panca Warisan when he was Chief of UMNO Youth), he also talked about how responsible voting is synonymous with responsible usage of firearms.

“Say if I were to put a live round into this pistol, cock it and mistakenly fire at a passerby. Not only would I be held responsible for a crime, but I would forever live in remorse of my mistake. Similarly, we advise Hulu Selangor constituents to choose responsibly in this by-election. Make sure you can sleep soundly with your decision.”

The Home Minister dismissed accusations that he was trying to assert undue influence over the upcoming by-election.

“I’m just fulfilling my responsibility as Home Minister to ensure there is law and order in this country.”

Shah Alam, 1 February 2010

Female students in higher learning institutes in Selangor are encouraged not to wear panties on Valentine’s Day as a sign of love for their boyfriends. This “no panties promotion” has gained popularity through word-of-mouth and other electronic forms with students there.

As usual, JAIS (Selangor Islamic Affairs Department) too got a whiff of this promotion and this has riled up its director, Datuk Mohammed Khusrin Munawi.  Using words such as “disgusting”, “not stylish”, “unhygienic”, “you might catch a cold”, Khusrin went on to state that his men would be looking into this matter very closely. He added that his men would go down personally to these institutes and ensure that girls would be wearing their panties this February 14. These JAIS officers would also be carrying spare panties and these panties would be handed out to girls who are not wearing any on that day and they will be forced to wear them on the spot.

Khusrin ended by saying that as long as JAIS is around, no girls will be without panties at these institutes of higher learning on Valentine’s Day.