Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak offers to use Malaysian Maritime Enforcement Agency’s Amfibi Bombardier CL415 to carry out water bombing and help Indonesia put out its forest fires. We ask Malaysians on their opinion of this story

Ahmad Zakaria, 28 (Rembau, Negeri Sembilan) - “Yes my company was awarded a RM3 million contract to put out the forest fires but as we have no planes or trained personnel, we welcome the government’s efforts.”

Alex Lim, 25 (Nilam Puri, Kelantan) - “I hope we charge them more than 3 sen per gallon.”

Z. Sathyaseelan, 77 (Santan, Perlis) “I thought relations are getting worse. We better ask for permission first if not they might shoot our plane down.”

Abdul Sitawak, 12 (Bintulu, Sarawak) - “Bomb them back to Stone Age, I have enough of those Indons coming in and stealing our camp fires.”

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PM Najib hints that economy is back on its feet

By Mat Rempit

(TP) – KUALA LUMPUR: Several leaders during the BN’s Supreme Council meeting last week mentioned that the decision of not contesting at the Penanti state by-election was a wise move as now they can concentrate on economy.  UMNO VP Datuk Seri Mohd Apdal revealed that the decision has allowed BN to concentrate on the country’s administration and the global economic gloom and added that “We want to run the country efficiently, we cannot be facing elections every now and then”.

However, this week, PM Najib has announced that with the vacancy of Manek Urai State Seat with the death of Ismail Yaacob, BN would field a candidate there to contest. They are waiting for proposals from their representatives in Kelantan.

This clearly shows that within a span of one week, the Malaysian economy has revived remarkably. What ever else can be the reason for not contesting one week and contesting a week later?  Tua Peh Kong, a 62 retiree mentioned, “wah! that is why i tell you ah, sometimes give the government space good ah, see, don’t contest one by-election, they are so free, the can make the economy bagus”.  Echoing him his wife, Nonya Kong chipped in, “saya ingat ah, lagi bagus jangan kasi BN tanding di PRK lagi, kasi dia free terus”.

“Perak turns to entertainment industry in face of economic downturn”

(TPT) – Ipoh: DVDs of the latest long-running melodrama pertaining to the Perak government have been selling like hotcakes, local video vendors have revealed. And talk of a golden age in cinema has created a buzz amongst Perakians.

Melodrama “The Perak Chronicles” has captured the Malaysia public by storm since it started airing in February this year when Nizar lost his grip on the state government. Co-starring Nizar “The Loser” Jam and Zambrony “The Usurper”, Perakians have been totally absorbed with its twists and turns.

“Oh yar, they have been selling like crazy. Now Zambrony is talking about a sequel and making double DVD versions”, a local video vendor tells this paper. “He says he wants viewers to get both sides of the story”, the vendor adds on.

The latest DVD concerns the return of Zambrony to his patriarch seat against all expectations, with Nizar bawling and shouting in tears at the end of episode 97. Viewership ratings were the highest yet for this episode. Vendors were left scrambling to record the episode with DIY audiovisual equipment brought to the Perak State Assembly.

“Two version double-episode DVD to be released”

It has been revealed that a double-episode DVD with comments from the director Zambrony and behind-the-scenes dialogs would be released soon by Filems UMNO Sdn Bhd. An up-close and personal interview with Hee “The Pepper Spray” Foong would also be included.

Rumours of the two-episode DVD were already making its rounds last night when Zambrony made his way back from Kuala Lumpur after he managed to stay on as the Menteri Besar for no explainable reason at all. The two-part VCD would consist of an edited, raw-and-real seven hour version and an edited, bogus one-hour version.

It was understood that, Sivakumar who has recently catapulted to national fame with his supporting role would be one of the interviewees in the DVD. His tear-inducing, Siva-refuse-to-budge character had viewers singing his praises. A best-newcomer award was reportedly in the works for him in this year’s Perak Actor Guild Awards.

“Upsurge of DVD sales good news amidst economic downturn”

Perak authorities have also voiced support for the on-going political struggles, saying that gains from sales of the DVDs would be beneficial to the state.

‘This is good. The upsurge of DVD sales is good news as we go through an economic downturn”, Zambrony boomed to the crowd on arrival for an autograph session in Perak Mall, just located beside the heavily guarded Perak Assembly. “There is no need for panic, the economic situation is under control”, he said as reporters of this paper queried him on the drastic drop of investments in Perak.

“Now the only issue is how to counter DVD piracy”, Zambrony enthused. “But that is only a small matter we would like to have”.

The country’s most powerful lady-in-waiting makes her rounds on the PR and damage control circuit

(TPT) – KUALA LUMPUR: There is a vast centre-left wing conspiracy to discredit her family. So says the woman at the heart of a new public relations campaign launched last week to prepare the ground for her husband’s imminent takeover, rumoured to take place on April 3.

However, the campaign was not merely an attempt to give Malaysia’s next first lady a human face.

“This is also part of Abang’s economic stimulus package. This way, not only do we get to improve our image, but the Malaysian economy benefits as well,” Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor told the press on Thursday afternoon while gesturing to her publicists and image consultants, who were on hand to keep a leash on wayward pressmen. “We’re just borrowing a page from the multibillion-dollar 2008 US Presidential Elections and doing what we can to ensure a smoother transition between Pak Lah and my Sweety Bumpkins.”

“I cannot tell you how shocked I was when I heard that vulgar man accuse my husband of murder in Parliament. Can you imagine how it’s like when the father of your children gets verbally abused, over and over again, right in front of your children’s eyes? It was so traumatic for all of us. I even choked on my kacang putih!

“These people are so vicious! They will do anything to take away Najib’s birthright. If they can’t take that away, they will go after our children. Oh the poor, poor children! But they are so evil, they might even go after poor old me! Me! Who has not harmed a single ant in this world! Oh what did I do to deserve this? I’m just an every-woman! No different from the Mak Ciks you see at the pasars every morning trying to make a living selling kueh!

Our correspondent notes that the campaign’s theme song, which blasted over the PA system on a never-ending loop, seemed to be Karyn White’s “Superwoman.” (http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNzI3NDU0NzI=.html)

“Najib’s cake is baked. His peanuts roasted. His fries fried and salted. His roti canai tossed. His yee sang loh heyed. His nasi campur campured. It is long overdue that the lame duck – not the metaphorical lame duck mind you but a real duck that was actually lame, from stepping on too many landmines since March 08 – limps aside and make way for a new Malaysia.”

Datin Seri Rosmah was speaking to reporters after visiting a Malaysian Red Crescent Society collection center. She is also the patron of the Humanitarian Appeal Fund.

Soon-to-be PM Najib announces he will join with Mahathir to take on Abdullah / Anwar

(TPT) – PUTRAJAYA: Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak announced this morning in a joint conference that he will be tag-teaming with former Prime Minister Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad and will officially throw down a challenge to Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Badawi and PKR de facto leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim to appear in a regulated match on the World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) network.

When asked for the reason for this sudden decision, DPM Najib replied that the match will bring economic benefits to Malaysia, much as the decision to bring Formula 1 racing to Malaysia had put Sepang on the international events calendar. He also stressed that the wrestling match was in no way related to the lunch that PM Abdullah had shared with Datuk Seri Anwar on Tuesday in Hulu Langat, Selangor, as part of the Maulid Rashul (Prophet Muhammad’s birthday) celebrations.

“I know some people will say that this match is in retaliation for the lunch in Hulu Langat.

“While I feel saddened that the Prime Minister has decided on a policy of rapprochement with regards to the Anwar clique, and while I will not say that I do not feel spurned by the fact that I was not invited, what I do know is that this match is an essential part of the stimulus package that my ministry has come up with to fight this recession,” said DPM Najib, while emphasizing the word “fight.” The DPM is also the Minister of Finance.

Also present were DPM Najib’s teammate Tun Dr Mahathir and WWE chairman Vince McMahon, who put on a supportive front throughout the conference.

“I want to say that I’m grateful to the Deputy Prime Minister for giving the WWE an opportunity to expand into Asia,” drawled McMahon. “Certainly the beautiful country of Malaysia is known for mud-slinging that is increasingly commonplace since March 2008, and this gives us plenty of recruitment possibilities for colorful participants that are necessary for our kind of entertainment.

“We’ve had discussions with the Malaysian authorities and we agree that if this exhibition match turns out to be a crowd pleaser, we will set up a permanent venue outside the Dewan Rakyat where contestants, fresh from exasperating sessions at the Dewan, can vent their frustrations at each other in the arena. You could be looking at matches such as Karpal “The Lion” Singh vs. “The UMNO Punks” Ungku Mat Salleh and Megat Zulkamain Omardin. We are planning to call this venture World Wrestling Malaysian Maniacs (W2M2) and I’m sure it’ll awe anyone in the region who tunes in to this show.”

Tun Dr Mahathir “Old Horse” Mohamad noted that he was happy to assist his former protégé DPM Najib and that he was looking forward to the match. “I’ve been working out more often now, and I’m preparing some moves that just might surprise you. It will be great to step into the ring with Anwar again and try out my “Sodomy Piledriver”.”

The DPM revealed he will assume the stage name “The Prince of Darkness,” but has kept silent on what his specialty moves will be. According to our sources, a lot of noises could be heard outside his residence in the wee hours of the morning, and this led our correspondent to speculate that his trainer could be none other than the former Women’s World Heavyweight champion Rosmah. Whether the noises were made by the DPM or Rosmah could not be discerned.

‘Saiful announces “STIMULUS Package”’

(TPT) – PUTRAJAYA: The federal government will be unveiling a STIMULUS  Package worth up to RM23 billion in a bid to prevent its people from sliding into depression, Mohd Saiful, aide to incoming DPM Najib Abdul Razak, revealed to the press yesterday.

“The government wants to ensure our citizens are stimulated. We want to prevent the country from slipping into a depression,” he said, as journalists waylaid him at the Malaysia Center for Communicable Diseases.

“It could be between RM23 billion and RM35 billion. It is inclusive of everything, including budgets for videos and stimulating paraphernalia,” he said while informing journalists that he was in only for a routine annual body examination.

Last month, the government said 130,000 Malaysians lost their jobs due to the global slump. Morale has been low and sporadic outbreaks of violence has been noted amongst healthy young malay adults.

Malaysia unveiled its first INTENSE Package worth RM7.4 billion last year. It is expected that this STIMULUS Package would replace the INTENSE Package as soon as it is announced.

The second stimulus package would include RM10 billion in spending announced last week, Saiful said. “The new package will be comprehensive in order to ensure everyone is happy and productive,” he added.

Earlier, Saiful had announced in a hastily-arranged press conference that he was in fact, not sick at all from any STD or illnesses. This is not related to his routine annual body examination in any way he clarified.